Annual difficulty

We have an election tonight. I’ve been nervous about America’s state. Both major parties are extreme. Excessive anger and hatred over political beliefs are common, especially among people who used to hate each other over religion. The world is changing in ways I fear.

I’m also near an anniversary of a traumatic event that reactivates my thoughts and feelings. Each November, I experience peaks of anxiety and depression. I remember events clearly and feel emotions intensely. While reliving sadness is natural, it’s been over two decades, and I realize there’s no one right way to heal.

I try to cope with stress and distress in healthy ways. Writing helps, but I don’t share my memories and feelings with someone I trust. Activities that focus my mind, like my job, are also helpful. However, my job’s stress exacerbates my frequent chest pains and impulsive eating, leading to weight gain. I’m at my heaviest ever. I feel trapped. I sleep an average of 4 hours a night and work nearly 60 hours a week. Below are my typical sleep patterns as recorded by my sleep monitor software.

In an effort to combat the challenges of November, I have adopted contemplative activities, including reading, reflection, and walking. While walking can be physically demanding, I am fortunate to abstain from alcohol and drug use, which are common choices for many individuals. As a means of overcoming the physical limitations of November, I intend to engage in water workouts. Although I acknowledge the importance of exercise, I am currently experiencing fatigue and soreness that hinder my motivation to exercise. To overcome these obstacles, I must cultivate strength and determination. My goal is to endure the next six weeks, despite the potential difficulties. However, I have been reminded that fear is an ineffective emotion. Therefore, I must prioritize focusing on this fact.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Skip this post!

Please navigate to a more uplifting post. I am writing to express my frustration and dissatisfaction, and I plan to use this platform to vent and alleviate my emotional distress. I’m fortunate to compare my situation favorably to others. My friend Richard Chrz was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) in July 2010 and Neuropsychiatric Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (NPSLE) in February 2011. His life has drastically changed since his diagnosis. Before his diagnosis, he had run 50- and 100-mile trail races. Now, he experiences extreme pain when standing, walking, sitting, or lying down. Despite numerous infusions and treatments, he maintains a positive attitude. Then there’s Jordan Schmidt, a Ramsey, Minnesota, runner who identifies himself as a runner. Running is crucial to his life, but it presents challenges, especially with strenuous marathons. Diagnosed with asthma as an infant, he managed it while remaining active. However, in his teens, he discovered an inoperable brain tumor. At 20, Schmidt doesn’t identify as having asthma or health issues. He views himself as a runner and refuses to let the tumor and asthma control his life. With that, I will persist in battling and enduring this health challenge, eventually growing old. Both of these inspiring individuals have battled health issues for much longer than I have, and their diagnosis is a far more significant challenge than mine. I get frustrated with everything in my life, and I am exhausted; just trying to get through the day! I am so tired of internal bleeding and the pain. It is driving me crazy. It wakes me up at night, and I have been sleeping about four hours a night, while I wake up and sometimes drop a tear in pain. It is just so hard to deal with the issue, and it seems like I will never cease being anemic. I expend a significant amount of emotional energy solely on concealing the pain and challenges surrounding me, leaving me mentally drained by the end of each day. Naturally, this situation is exacerbated by the feeling that my job is draining my soul. Despite this, I dedicate approximately 55-60 hours weekly to giving my all to excel in my current position. In the first six months, I logged a staggering 1,603 hours, and unfortunately, I don’t receive overtime pay. To put this into perspective, consider the typical full-time employee who works around 2,080 hours annually, which is reduced to approximately 1,920 hours during vacations and holidays. I anticipate reaching a total of 3,000 hours. While I take pride in working regular hours and don’t mind the lack of immediate progress, I recognize the importance of managing my workload effectively. My physician, whom I consult regularly due to my severe chest pains, emphasized the need for me to reduce my stress levels. I am acutely aware of my high stress levels and have considered early retirement as an option. However, financial constraints make it an impractical choice at this time. I must wait approximately four more years before I can retire at the age of 60. Even then, I should be financially secure in retirement, but I must adopt extremely frugal habits. Ideally, I would prefer to delay retirement until I am 62 or 63 years old. However, given the nature of my job, attempting to extend my working years beyond this point could be detrimental to my health. So many times a day, I want to scream right now to "grab myself from the bootstraps" and pull my rear end off the ground. As soon as I wrote that quote, I thought, "What does that mean?" During a web search, I found that the origin of "grab myself from the bootstraps" isn't unknown. Much speculation! It refers to boots and the straps that some shoes have attached to help the wearer pull them on, and to the imagined feat of lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one's bootstraps. This seemingly impossible task exemplifies the achievement of overcoming a problematic situation through one's own efforts. It was known by the early 20th century. James Joyce alluded to it in Ulysses, 1922: "There were others who had forced their way to the top from the lowest rung by the aid of their bootstraps." More explicit use of the phrase comes a little later, from Kunitz & Haycraft's British Authors of the 19th Century: "A poet who lifted himself by his bootstraps from an obscure versifier to the ranks of real poetry." Some early computers used bootstrapping, which alludes to this phrase. This involved loading a small amount of code, which was then used to load more complex code progressively until the machine was ready. This led to the term 'booting' being used to start a computer. I digress! I’ve also been saddened (selfishly, so), yet I'm also happy for my son. He’s become incredibly independent and self-sufficient. He travels over 250 days a year. He has a girlfriend who I believe is an outstanding person, a true gem, and I hope he realizes how special she is to him! With this independence, he visits us occasionally for a three-day weekend, but about two-thirds of the time, he’s either working or sleeping. Then, he has activities he enjoys. I’m happy he visits his grandparents, and I usually spend three to four hours with him during the three days. While I may desire more, I’m delighted that he has his time occupied. I was concerned that if I don’t overcome these health issues and pass away, he won’t be well-prepared for life without me. That’s a comforting thought. Then there’s my girlfriend. She placed her mother, who has Alzheimer’s, in a nursing home. Her father is aging and facing numerous challenges. She has to be the guardian, providing so much care and concern for her parents. They live 300 miles away and travel often. She has never experienced death, and when the time comes for her parents to pass away, she will be at rock bottom. I need to be strong for her! I don’t discuss my health issues with her. I use the little energy I have to stay positive and hide the pain. At the same time, she now has two granddaughters and a grandson on the way. They often draw her away. Whenever we plan something, something inevitably comes up. She has a demanding and spoiled golden retriever that requires a lot of time and attention, especially since she’s busy. Her job is becoming highly challenging and stressful for her as well. Even though we live together, we’re fortunate to spend a few hours a week together when she’s stressed about aging, her parents, and the demands of life. I spend more time caring for her dog than with her. Overall, I’ve truly accomplished a great deal in my life. I’m at the point of feeling content in life, except for the constant issue of bloody stool, infusions, and pain. I’m not sure it can get any more fulfilling. I recently heard a Jason Aldean song, and when I hear the chorus, a part of it resonates deeply within me.

Found love, I thought I would never find

Sometimes, I cannot believe this life is mine

And I am not planning on leaving yet

But the truth is, you just never know

And if this is as good as it gets

Man, I think I am good to go

I am good to go

I also wrote a song in 2016 that is a good description of what I feel.  It is called Reflection and the lyrics are: 

Been gone so long, can't see where I've been

Faded signs and changed places, I'm a stranger again

Forgotten faces, as names drift away

I have no home or anywhere to stay

I wake up in the morning, face like a cracked windowpane

Years have drawn the lines, a story written in pain

Spent too many nights losing in this game called life

Now my reflection scares me, cuts through me like a knife

Every wrinkle is a chapter; each scar tells a tale

Of nights I fought my demons and the times that I failed

Bought myself some pain; my only friend when I’m undone

Life is better alone now, chasing the setting sun

(Chorus)

I tried to find my happiness in someone else's eyes

But the mirror doesn’t lie; it shows a man who’s compromised

Solitude’s a companion when you're living through my past

My reflection scares me; how long will this life last

I see the ghost of who I am in every field

Haunted by the choices and failing to yield

My mind replays sorrowful songs

Life is better alone when your heart is gone

I had dreams, once bright as summer skies

Now they’re just flickers in my weary eyes

Living in the silence, it’s where I find my peace

Though my reflection scares me, where will my pain cease

(Chorus)

I tried to find my happiness in someone else's eyes

But the mirror doesn’t lie; it shows a man who’s compromised

Solitude’s a companion when you're living through my past

My reflection scares me; how long will this life last

Living in the silence, it’s where I find my peace

Though my reflection scares me, where will my pain cease

With that, I will persist in battling and enduring this health issue, growing older, and attempting to live, which becomes increasingly challenging with each passing day!

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Empathy?

In 2014, I wrote about five people over 50 who committed suicide within a short period. It’s hard to believe it was over three years ago! Two I knew well, two acquaintances, and one famous person all met their untimely deaths. Despite their financial independence and few life issues, they left this world. Recently, I’ve heard of three others who, I assume, would be content with their lives. Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, and Ines Zorreguieta. 

Yesterday, I read a New York Times article that stated, "In 2016, there were more than twice as many suicides as homicides." Why? I will never know, and we can’t ask the deceased. It’s not surprising; I can almost empathize. As we age, we can’t do what we like anymore. Our bodies and souls have worn out. The people we cherish have often moved on, and we’ve become an integral part of their lives, second nature. We lose loved ones around us regularly.

I recall a tragic incident involving a father of two girls who took his own life. His wife, who had been with him for approximately 20 years, was seeking a divorce. According to what I gathered, his relationships with women during his college years were distant. I had heard that he had called one girl the night before, but she deliberately ignored the call and let it go to voicemail. The next day, she received the call that no one should have received. Could she have prevented his suicide? It’s uncertain whether she would have taken the call and reminded him of his importance and her love for him. Often, such actions are attributed to stress or the accumulation of life’s challenges.

While I am not yet stress-free, I am currently experiencing an unprecedented level of stress. Our work environment has become increasingly demanding, and we have reduced our staff by 20 percent since 2007, before the financial crisis. On average, I work 55 to 60 hours per week. Recently, two millennial employees took paternity leave for several weeks, which resulted in me working every day for 32 consecutive days, averaging 8.6 hours per day. Although it may not seem like a significant amount, it was 32 straight days of work.

During that period, I had limited time to contemplate how miserable I might feel about aging or other issues that I assume contribute to suicide. Thoughts of it arise constantly, even when I’m not actively engaged in a task. "Why am I here" or "Who would even care if I was gone." However, this constant state of motion causes my mind to race, resulting in minimal sleep—an average of about 4.5 hours per night. If I were not always on the go, would I dwell on depressing thoughts and potential contributing factors to the actions of many?

Another consequence is that I recently visited the Heart Specialist, who made it evident that I won’t be here in the next few years unless I manage my stress effectively. We’ve discussed the necessary actions, but unfortunately, I’m not sure I’m motivated to take them. I’m not suicidal, but I’m content with my life. I’ve made many mistakes, but I’ve also received rewards. As we age, we continue to make more mistakes and lose the vibrancy we had when we were younger.

This also relates to body weight. The Doctor is clear that my high stress levels and low sleep levels significantly slow down my metabolism. Despite eating very healthily and carefully monitoring all my intake, including vitamins and minerals, I still gain weight. Often, I feel like I gain weight when I eat an apple or a banana. Looking back, I remember being in my best athletic shape when I had little stress and slept well. There’s a clear correlation.

Anyway, what’s the purpose of this post? I’m troubled because I think I understand the actions of those who ended their lives. That’s scary, and sometimes it’s better to write about our fears to help work through them. That’s what this post is about: reminding myself that quitting is not suitable for anyone. However, I need to stop some things to reduce my stress, or I’ll be committing suicide in a less-than-publicized way, naturally, through stress damaging my heart, body, and soul.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

Olga wrote -  

About suicide and other stuff. Being busy is one of the ways to not fall into a depressive mode. And being unselfish - suicide is a generally selfish move, leaving behind people who may struggle. But, of course, those who commit one think they are too lonely for anyone to care about them. It's a vicious circle. Basically speaking, pretty much each of us, at one point in our lives or another, has been at the moment of thinking "Why?". The statistic shows that the suicide rate has increased in the world, especially in developed countries. I say it's due to technology/social media—the false sense of having support, yet increased loneliness. And yes, I blame the news - the more it is spoken about, the more it shows those in a down state of mind, "the path, the escape". Again, it is a vicious cycle. We think we need to discuss it to prevent it, yet we give ideas to the weaker ones. I don't have answers. Just ruminating. I often deactivate Facebook and feel less alone than when I'm on it. Because the expectations are just for me to pick myself up, entirely "pull yourself by the hair".  Saturday, June 9, 2018 at 6:18:03 AM CDT

Odor - mental health trigger?

Spring has arrived, bringing warmth and a scent that instantly transports me back in time, both fondly and with a bittersweet nostalgia. Simple sensory cues, like the smell of spring air, a farm, or even rain, can trigger complex emotions and memories. I researched this because my mental health can be altered or triggered by smells.

Interestingly, incoming smells are first processed by the olfactory bulb, located at the base of the brain. It has direct connections to the amygdala and hippocampus. However, visual, auditory, and tactile information do not pass through these brain areas, which may be why olfaction successfully triggers emotions and memories more than any other sense.

Smells trigger vivid emotional memories and are more effective at inducing them. Scientists found that memories evoked by odors are linked to increased brain activity in areas associated with visual vividness. Smells can also trigger negative emotions, especially in individuals with PTSD. Growing up on a farm, I have some harsh memories that impact me mentally. I once cooked grass-fed meat and was emotionally ill eating it. I smelled the same smell of beef from my childhood, which challenged me mentally.

I recalled a Vietnam veteran who had issues with the smell of diesel. It brought back intense war memories, guilt, and helplessness. He vividly saw the burning vehicle, open doors, and billows of fire and smoke. I initially thought little of it, but now I understand the impact of smells on emotions.

As I discuss this, people tend to agree. Some say relationship attraction is more about appearance and aroma, which are crucial to relationships. A friend noticed that his desire decreased when his girlfriend changed perfumes, and the perfumes of other women didn’t smell like his. I’ve started recognizing smells that cause anger, helplessness, and similar issues. I need to document calming scents that increase happiness. Mastering the smells that benefit or hinder us will improve our lives.

I’ve been off blood thinners, but still have significant anemia. I get regular infusions and limit omeprazole due to side effects. I watch my diet for better results. I have another heart scan scheduled, which I assume is okay.

Oh my gosh, work is a crazy whirlwind right now! I’ve been working around 70 hours a week for the past couple of weeks, and it looks like we might be in for a few more weeks like that. Additionally, half the team is currently enjoying paternity leave. We’re still a bit short-staffed compared to 2006, and we’re really hoping to bring on one more person when everyone else reaches that level or even higher. Ugh! And then, when people can’t get the help they need quickly, it gets frustrating. It’s like they think I’m not doing my job when it takes a day to get back to them. As of this morning, while I’m waiting in a clinic for a medical procedure, I have over 150 work emails in my inbox. I’ve tried to sort them out, but some that came in five days ago are still waiting for a reply—it’s a bit of a bummer, but it’s the reality. I’m thinking about retiring, but that’s still over five years away.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

First ride to work

I embarked on a bicycle ride on Saturday, six days ago, covering a distance of 20.16 miles. It was a pleasant ride, but my backside was feeling the pain. On Sunday, I attempted to ride again but managed to cover only four miles before giving up. My bottom definitely needs some seat conditioning!

I had high hopes for this week, but the weather was freezing. With the wind chill, the temperature dropped below 20 degrees. Despite gaining enough padding to stay warm, it was not enough. On Wednesday, the temperature was around freezing, so I decided to go for a ride. I was able to maintain a steady pace, even though I had to be cautious of potential ice. I covered 17 miles in just under an hour. There were two locations where ice posed a challenge, and one mud hole!

The ride home was challenging. There was a slight breeze, and I was exhausted. This was only my fourth ride of the year, and I was struggling. However, I managed to maintain a pace of nearly 17 MPH for the ride home. So, I covered a total of 34 miles for the day and felt good about it. On Thursday, the temperature was 24 degrees, and it felt like 10 degrees. I am wondering if the winter will finally end!

I am eagerly looking forward to riding more. That’s a great feeling!

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

SLOW progress and I hate my job

In February, I anticipated an improvement in my health, as I had undergone comprehensive scans that revealed the absence of Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) and Pulmonary Embolisms. Consequently, I discontinued the use of blood thinners. However, within a few weeks, I experienced debilitating pain in my right leg, which was subsequently diagnosed as DVT. I resumed administering blood thinners. Regrettably, this situation has been challenging. Additionally, I am scheduled for another full heart scan in the near future, as this remains a concern.

My iron levels have remained stable. To maintain this stability, I have been consuming a Tofu/rice meal supplemented with four tablespoons of organic Blackstrap Molasses daily. While this regimen is somewhat monotonous, the combination is exceptionally rich in iron.

I have eagerly anticipated the opportunity to engage in bicycle riding this year. However, the prevailing weather conditions have been consistently cold and unfavorable. I recall the last instance when I had to endure a prolonged wait, extending well into April, before I could resume riding. In February 2017, I completed over 50 miles; in March 2017, I covered 110 miles; and in April, I surpassed 200 miles. Regrettably, this year, I will be forced to wait until the middle of April before experiencing favorable riding weather. This is a significant setback.

Besides my health, the weather, and work, which is painful, work is a significant part of my life. I once loved my job and viewed it as a positive experience. Now, I feel completely trapped in it! This has made life less rosy. Working a disliked job harms my health, outlook, and attitude. I must stay positive. Even though I sometimes feel like I’m in a soul-sucking nightmare, I try to find something positive in it. What can I gain?

One benefit is my ability to tolerate stupidity and greed. My daily job duties leave me feeling groggy and sighing uncontrollably. Many people drive me insane, and I’m one snide remark away from flipping over the conference room table. Of all the things I hate about my current position, I try to remember that those annoying and cringeworthy moments are helping me master the critical trait of tolerance. I know there’s no such thing as a “perfect job.” I’m getting remarkably close to that elusive position, RETIREMENT. So, my refined patience and tolerance will come in handy—even when I finally break free from this terrible job.

There’s a lot to be said for a strong sense of commitment. When I think about it, who’s more committed than someone who shows up to the office day in and day out, even though they know they’re in for eight to ten hours of pure misery? Very few. However, I am committed. I have a job to do and will do it well, which is a matter of pride and loyalty. However, the most important thing is that I continue to show up and do my best work, without letting my negative emotions bring me down. Trust me, dedication is a quality that any employer should admire. But this is a new generation, and most employers see everyone as expendable if the greed (shareholders) is not satisfied.

I firmly believe that you learn something new every day, even if it’s something you hate. This detested job is an opportunity to figure out what I want (and, okay, what I don’t want) in my next position. Misery is an influential teacher. My current situation is far from ideal—sometimes, it takes the pain to reach the retirement position I would enjoy. But at the very least, I remember that I am learning a lot about what I should avoid. That information will undoubtedly be helpful as I approach retirement.

I understand. Putting up with the job may kill me before I retire, but it’s the best way to achieve a stable retirement. The situation is often intolerable. But I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am gaining something from this position. Even death is something.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

I need an answer!

I’ve come to realize that one of the most emotionally taxing and challenging healthcare decisions many individuals will ever encounter is disclosing their health concerns to others. This becomes even more difficult when the issue is terminal. Throughout my journey through the health battle and treatment path, I’ve encountered numerous people. 

While my medical condition hasn’t improved or worsened significantly in months, I’m grappling with severe pain that is almost debilitating. It’s incredibly challenging to walk, and getting up from a chair is a struggle. However, I often feign it because I don’t want to burden or worry those around me. Despite my general health indicators improving, I don’t feel any better.

Today, during my treatment, I had another conversation with terminally ill individuals whom I’ve befriended over the past few months. They casually sat in the room, engaging in discussions about life. I sat there, allowing the medication to take effect and listening attentively.

The topic of discussion today was whether terminally ill patients (or very ill patients) should disclose their prognosis to others. What surprised me was the profound insights shared by three terminal patients. One patient expressed their decision not to inform their family because they felt powerless and wanted to spare them from unnecessary worry. Another patient revealed that their spouse was aware of the prognosis, but their children and coworkers were not. The third patient admitted to informing most people, but wished she had been more cautious.

Despite their differing perspectives, all three patients agreed that sharing grim news can be beneficial and help others prepare for their departure from Earth. However, they also acknowledged that the truth can be devastating for some individuals. It’s a delicate balance, and I struggle to find the right approach. What if the person had never been informed and faced even greater difficulties? This is a complex issue, and I don’t have all the answers.

Many of you (at least those of us over 50) followed Dear Abby? She once had a song I enjoyed about her, I like John Prine. She is the advice columnist Abigail Van Buren. Alzheimer's disease ravaged her, yet her family decided not to tell her about the diagnosis. "Dear Abby," born Pauline Phillips, died at the age of 94, and her son, Eddie, believed that she instinctively knew she was dying despite the family's silence. 

I once came across an interesting story about Allen Ball, a realtor from Columbia, South Carolina. He attempted to reassure his spirited 94-year-old mother, who was battling an aggressive brain tumor. However, she responded with a firm, “Well, I certainly don’t feel better, so you’d better prepare yourself!”

This incident made me reflect on the significance of keeping loved ones informed, even when there’s nothing they can do to assist. Is there truly any benefit to this? While sympathy may not heal, excessive worry is unnecessary when there’s nothing they can do to help. The only positive outcome is the opportunity to spend more time with a loved one before they pass away. However, if they genuinely believed they had to do that, why did they avoid spending time with them before they fell ill? Life is too busy.

Nevertheless, I firmly believe that the loved ones of a terminally ill person should be informed. This allows them to prepare for their passing by organizing their affairs. They may want to record messages for family members or seek guidance from a clergy member regarding spiritual matters, including their beliefs about what happens after death.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. The decision to disclose or withhold information depends on the individual and the circumstances. I’m constantly amazed by terminal cancer patients, even at a young age, who openly discuss their impending death and express their emotions to their loved ones. If this approach can be adopted, it’s undoubtedly the healthiest way to proceed. However, the people I encountered today were all over 60. They appeared content to let life continue and didn’t want others to be concerned.

Today, I left treatment without any noticeable improvement and with a significant amount of mental confusion. I’m hesitant to disclose the severity of my issues to my loved ones, as I’m confident that I’ll overcome them. Today’s experience has made me question myself and wonder if I should discuss this with them. I’m uncertain about the right course of action, and I’m not sure what solution will be the most appropriate.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

One step up and two back?

I tried! Really, I tried. 

I failed! I really failed.

I began working out to address my health issues. I didn’t overdo it; I only went three days a week, using the elliptical or indoor cycling machine. It was challenging but refreshing, although I gradually felt more fatigued. I consulted a physician, who referred me to another doctor. This doctor then referred me back to the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist who performed my surgery about six years ago. He examined me and revealed more information than I was prepared to learn.

I discovered that an untreated sinus infection can lead to bronchitis, worsening asthma, and chronic coughing. Oh, so that’s why I’ve been feeling unwell? He explained that persistent infection causes swelling, obstruction, and mouth breathing of the nasal membrane. Nasal congestion can also cause snoring and lead to sleep apnea. I was aware of these issues.

The acute sinusitis I neglected to treat resulted in a low-grade chronic infection. The presence of nasal polyps complicates the treatment of sinusitis.

Here’s the unfortunate part. My sinuses have been causing me immense misery. I’ve experienced pressure, pain, drainage, and difficulty breathing. I’ve also learned that this could be the reason behind my stomach pains. As my sinus pressure affected blood circulation to my eyes, I’ve been experiencing sudden, patchy, blurred vision and even blindness. My sinus infection has spread into the bloodstream, impacting the brain and eyes.

My respiratory system was already weakened due to the Pulmonary Embolisms. Excess mucus production, which is significant, drains. This excess mucus irritated my digestive system, leading to nausea and loose stools.

I understand that this is quite personal information. I know I need to take control of my situation, find the courage to move forward, and make progress. Am I a weak individual?

I need to remember my tennis philosophy. In tennis, losing a single point doesn’t mean the end of the world. It happens to even the best players. If I can consistently win a few more points than I lose, I’ll succeed. I’ll be ahead of the game with healthy eating and regular exercise if I consistently outpace my setbacks. If I expect perfection (and many of us do), I’m setting myself up for disappointment and guilt. With my medical issues, I don’t need that to develop.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

A long road ahead!

July 7, 2017, will forever be etched in my memory as the day I should have perished. It was a Friday, and I had returned to work after a nearly two-week absence. That day, I had to ascend the second floor, and as I reached the top, I felt a wave of dizziness and thought I might faint. 

Throughout the day, I continued to experience significant calf stiffness, a recurring issue that had persisted for 18 months and worsened over the two weeks preceding July 7. A week prior, I had almost been unable to walk due to excruciating calf pain. I had resorted to a deep massage with a massager to alleviate the discomfort. That night, I drove home feeling dizzy and unwell. I was wheezing and struggling to breathe, and I was drenched in a cold sweat on the couch.

With the worsening symptoms, I visited urgent care, but they refused to treat me. Instead, they promptly transferred me to the emergency room. As previously mentioned, upon my arrival, I was swiftly moved to the front of the line and underwent an EKG, ultrasound, and CT scan. The results revealed numerous blood clots in both my legs and lungs.

I find it perplexing that so many issues have arisen, yet I have managed to survive them. The Doctor even acknowledged that I should have perished. The medical community is perplexed by my survival despite the numerous clots in my lungs.

Due to the prolonged delay in seeking medical attention, I am concerned about the possibility of a pulmonary infarct, which would result in the death of a portion of my lung due to a lack of oxygen supply. Despite the administration of blood thinners, I continue to experience pain and may face lifelong challenges in managing my condition. In the event of an accident, I am at risk of severe complications, including internal bleeding or a brain hemorrhage. These potential risks are a constant source of anxiety for me. 

The date of July 7, 2017 (or the 8th when the gravity of the situation became apparent), will forever remain etched in my memory as the day I should have succumbed to my condition.

"Every year, more people die from preventable blood clots than from breast cancer, AIDS, and traffic accidents combined," said Dr. Samuel Goldhaber, Chairman of the Venous Disease Coalition. "It is so important to raise awareness about DVT and PE because although blood clots are common, few Americans have sufficient knowledge about blood clots and how to prevent them." The most recent statistics show that one person dies every 6 minutes in the United States from blood clots.

The Vascular Disease Foundation urges Americans to learn about the risks of venous blood clots to help prevent these deaths. DVT occurs when a blood clot forms in the deep veins, usually of the pelvis or leg. DVT can be dangerous in two ways.

First, DVT can be fatal if a blood clot dislodges from the leg veins, travels through the heart, and lodges in the lung arteries. This complication, known as pulmonary embolism (PE), results in approximately 100,000 to 180,000 deaths annually in the United States.

Secondly, blood clots can cause permanent damage to the veins, leading to long-term leg pain, heaviness, and swelling in as many as half of DVT survivors. This condition, referred to as post-thrombotic syndrome (PTS) or “chronic venous insufficiency,” can significantly impair an individual’s quality of life.

In addition to grappling with the persistent question of “why did God allow me to live,” I have experienced significant discomfort while walking. At times, it becomes exceedingly challenging to move my legs. I remain hopeful that there are no long-term complications, but my confidence is gradually diminishing. I must take each step one at a time. Furthermore, each step is becoming increasingly complex.

Fortunately, I recently had my Bionx D500 wheel rebuilt. This should alleviate my concerns during the summer riding season. Last summer, I had broken well over nine spokes, and the lacing was unreliable. Relaxing the wheel is exceptionally difficult due to the motor. Factory lacing should be stable.

I eagerly anticipate the opportunity to ride my bike to work. I felt significantly better when I could do so in August and September.

On another positive note, my son recently purchased a condo in a desirable location, Breckenridge, Colorado. This year, I plan to take two or three one-week trips to escape and relax. While I assume he would not request that I cover the expenses for these stays, I will treat them as if they were low-cost hotel accommodations, which he welcomes, as he rarely returns home from Monday through Thursday, and I am financially able to take these trips. Although it is not an inexpensive hotel, it is one of the finest in the city. The views are exceptional, biking is incredible, there are slightly inclined paths, and the town is open during the summer months.

 All you quiet dreamers, carry on!