RIP Steve Wilkinson

This week was challenging. I reflected on past thoughts. I sometimes wonder if everyone doubts their humanity, as I have. Mentors shape our lives and identities. In this blog, I wrote about my only mentor until I was a teenager: my grandfather. In high school, Mr. Gary Clark and Mr. Larry Anderson influenced me to take life seriously. I wonder if I’d be where I am today or in jail without them.

Until my son was born, I believed I naturally wanted to raise him to have a whole, emotional, yet stable life. I discovered a difference between accepting a boy should express his feelings freely and having one who does. In 1984, I attended Tennis and Life Camp, which left a lasting impact. I partially implemented its lessons in my life.  

Raising a child is challenging, and due to my emotional flaws, I became a single father. I wanted my son to have positive role models. His wise grandfather, a lawyer, raised a fine young man. The other role model was Steve Wilkinson, the founder of the Tennis and Life Tennis Camp. I decided my son should attend the camp.

Steve took my son under his wing because of his perceived handicap. He emphasized the importance of the three crowns in tennis and life.

1. The first crown symbolizes choosing positivity, focusing on controllable factors, and releasing control over uncontrollable ones. For instance, in competitions, winning or losing isn’t controllable, but your attitude is.

2. The second crown signifies a commitment to dedicating your utmost effort, irrespective of academic performance, feedback, or regrets.

3. The third crown embodies sportsmanship, and we consistently seek avenues to reinforce this principle. Consequently, I teach sports ethics, which harmonizes my interest in religion with sports—a profound intersection.

Therefore, I firmly believe my son had three fathers. Apart from his biological father, me, he also had his grandfather and Steve Wilkinson. Regrettably, Steve passed away this past week, leaving an indelible void in the hearts of many, including mine and, undoubtedly, my son’s.

If the readers of this post are unfamiliar with Steve, I recommend reading his memoir titled “Let Love Serve,” which he published before his demise. I highly suggest you take the time to read it, as it will provide you with a comprehensive understanding of the essence of living life to the fullest.

We will attend Steve’s funeral next week, and I anticipate that I, for one, will experience a profound sense of difficulty. I believe my son will share in this sentiment as well. Losing such a revered figure is a profound and arduous experience. However, more than ever before in my life, we must reflect upon the invaluable lessons Steve imparted to me three decades ago and, in this moment, actively implement them.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

More thoughts

Recently, I read an article by Steve Cole, Professor of Medicine and Behavioral Sciences at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), on how chronic stress, poverty, loneliness, and fear endemic in crime can alter gene activity and contribute to disease. Cole examined how psychological experiences influence immune systems and human health. He is mapping the biological pathways through which social conditions change the expression of traits or tendencies encoded in genetic material.

This article resonated with me as I analyzed my life over the past 40 years (as I am currently 52 years old, and I am uncertain if there were any issues before my teenage years). I recall instances when my father was dismissed from his job, and we were concerned about affording the necessities of life. At the age of 13, I misrepresented my age and was employed as a dishwasher to help support the family’s needs. Balancing school and work while writing about the family was a significant source of stress, and I experienced weight gain and a decline in my health.

At the age of 16, the family’s financial situation was stable, and I had few, if any, worries. I had learned to manipulate my father’s emotions, which resulted in him ceasing physical abuse of my mother and sister. I developed a strong memory and ensured that everything conformed to my father’s controlling nature. This created a sense of harmony, thereby reducing stress and fear. Consequently, I naturally became physically fit and had minimal health issues.

At the age of 20, a significant disruption occurred in my life. My sister’s relationship with an African American individual led to a severe reaction from my father, resulting in the ostracism of my sister and me within the family. This incident stemmed from my support for her relationship, which was reciprocated by her. Consequently, I experienced substantial weight gain and various health issues.

By the age of 23, I had achieved a state of contentment, with no familial ties other than my sister. I had successfully lost weight, participated in Division II tennis, and completed a 35-minute 10K run. Life appeared stable, and I was free from significant worries or stress.

Upon graduation, I embarked on a challenging journey into the external world. Securing employment proved difficult, even with a degree in hand. I subsequently married, relocated multiple times, and now faced the stresses, fears, and anxieties associated with being a husband and a father.

Reflecting on the past three instances of weight loss and improved health, it is evident that these periods coincided with periods of minimal stress and fear in my life.

The study had a profound impact on me, surpassing my initial expectations. I recognize the need to develop strategies for managing stress, fear, and anxiety. While I am uncertain about the specific knowledge I will acquire, I would appreciate any recommendations you may have regarding books, techniques, or other relevant information.

One undeniable truth is that life is a journey. For some, it is a brief one, as exemplified by my nephew Aaron Swanson, who passed away at the tender age of three. For others, it is a protracted journey, as witnessed by my grandfather, who succumbed to the ravages of time just short of the century mark. Currently, I find myself situated between these two extremes.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

The power of positive thinking

How many times have you heard that phrase? I once believed that health was the most essential aspect of life, including physical well-being. However, it has become a part of everyday vernacular that has almost lost its meaning. We all agree that positive thinking is beneficial. Nevertheless, it is challenging to express my own positive feelings, such as “I like myself. My life is enjoyable. Things are going well.”

However, what about when things are difficult? What about those days when I experience such stress that my veins protrude from my forehead? What about those times when I dislike my job? What about the days when I feel overwhelmed by a series of unfortunate events?

I have encountered individuals who maintain a positive outlook during challenging times. In all honesty, their Pollyanna “life is still beautiful” attitude when things fall apart is somewhat irritating. Although I fully comprehend that positive thinking can have a tangible impact on the brain.

Neuroplasticity, a scientific concept, posits that our thoughts can alter the structure and function of our brains. Initially introduced by William James in 1890, this idea was met with skepticism from scientists who held the belief that the brain was a rigidly mapped entity, with specific regions responsible for distinct functions. Damage or death to these areas would result in the loss or alteration of their associated functions. However, this notion has been proven erroneous. Neuroplasticity is now widely accepted as evidence of the brain’s boundless adaptability and dynamism.

The human brain possesses the remarkable capacity to undergo structural changes, even in individuals with severe neurological conditions. Individuals experiencing strokes, cerebral palsy, and mental illnesses can train other brain regions through repetitive mental and physical activities. These interventions can have profound and life-altering effects.

This concept leads us to the realm of positive thinking and its potential impact on the brain. Repetitive positive thoughts and positive activities can indeed rewire our brains and strengthen the areas responsible for generating positive emotions, as highlighted in the acclaimed book “The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science” by Norman Doidge. The brain has the remarkable ability to rewire itself and establish new neural pathways through consistent effort. Similar to exercise, this process requires repetition and active engagement to reinforce new learning. The book provides insights into specific actions that individuals can take to modify their brains during challenging times.

A crucial aspect is overcoming the fear of failure. I often harbor apprehension about undertaking new endeavors due to the apprehension of potential failure. This sentiment has only become evident in recent years. It is imperative that I consciously refrain from dwelling on the reasons that hinder my ability to accomplish tasks, even when I lack the necessary courage or self-assurance. Whenever negative thoughts arise, I must actively retrain my mind to adopt a positive perspective on my capabilities.

I frequently find myself ensnared in obsessive overthinking regarding a particular problem or experiencing prolonged periods of anxiety and worry that can span weeks or even months. This state of mind depletes my energy, disrupts my sleep patterns, and adversely affects my mood and outlook. Concentrating solely on my problem should inadvertently reinforce the worry function within my brain. When I find myself caught in this cycle of worry or compulsive thinking, it is essential to recall the three R’s: rename, re-frame, and redirect. Rename the issue by reminding myself that worry is not a tangible reality but rather a compulsive reaction. Re-frame my thinking by focusing on positive or distracting thoughts, even if I still experience anxiety.

Some individuals accuse me of experiencing a state of melancholy or disorientation, which is merely a transient haze that subsides and dissipates after a few days. However, certain mood disorders, such as depression or severe anxieties that evolve into phobias, can be debilitating and persistent. I have contemplated cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Indeed, numerous symptoms align with the principles of CBT. These include:

• Loss of senses — vision, balance, and hearing
• The aging brain and memory
• Issues related to love and sex
• Chronic pain
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Depress

In light of this, I must prioritize my mental well-being and refrain from self-criticism. My objective is to comprehend the concept and address the challenges discussed thoroughly. Time will reveal the outcome. One of my most effective motivation sources was Dennis Waitley’s “Psychology of Winning.” I must revisit this book and strive to improve my cognitive abilities and address detrimental behaviors.

This is crucial as I anticipate undergoing surgery in early February. My current physical condition necessitates a change. While I initially sought non-surgical alternatives, it appears that surgical intervention is the only viable option.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Welcome 2015

Regular exercise is essential for maintaining a healthy lifestyle, achieving effective weight loss, reducing stress, and enhancing productivity. Experts recommend 60 minutes daily for optimal health. However, excessive exercise can lead to serious health issues, even death.

I find it challenging to find 20 minutes daily for workouts. It’s surprising that I once prioritized exercise above all else, often pushing myself to burn every calorie. Is this a factor in my heart problems?

I often wonder if my periods of compulsive exercise are necessary for weight management. Despite running a 4-hour marathon at 230 pounds, a doctor labeled me obese at 35-40 pounds overweight. This was a blow to my self-esteem, as I felt tremendous despite my hard work.

I never engaged in exercise bulimia or excessive eating, but I recall giving up based on the doctor’s words. Now, at 70 pounds heavier, I’m not happy.

I’m trying to regain control. I recently bought an IHealth scale and plan to reach 230, content with being obese. I hope I succeed because I feel better, die with less stress, and enjoy life. This time, I won’t let my rude doctor lower my self-esteem by calling me obese.

In addition to addressing my work-life balance, I must also manage my health and well-being. In 2012, I consistently worked over 70 hours per week. However, I reduced this to 63 hours in 2013 and further decreased it to an average of 59.3 hours in 2014. It is important to note that these figures represent my actual work hours divided by 52 weeks. They include my two weeks of vacation for the bike ride, my trip to Vermont, and the time off for my son’s surgery. While my actual work hours may exceed 63 hours per week, I am actively working to limit myself to 10 hours per day and reduce the number of weekends I work. This approach is intended to address the misconception that overtime pay is advantageous, as my hourly rate is comparable to that of an administrative assistant.

To address both issues, I must prioritize my health and well-being, as I am currently experiencing ticker issues. I am committed to avoiding surgery, which will undoubtedly present challenges.

In the meantime, I continue to refine my photography skills. Here are some samples of my work:

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!