Goodbye 2013

Grandmas, 2013

Time flies when you’re young, but it seems to speed up as you age. A year once seemed like forever, but now it feels like a week. I’m not complaining because life is what we make of it, and 2013 was a weak effort. I won’t boast about achievements or complain about my health struggles. Instead, I would like to express my gratitude to all of you for being part of my life and for your friendship and support.

The highlight of 2013 was completing my 29th consecutive Grandma’s Marathon. It was an unusual race, with the fog so dense that I missed most of the mile markers. Surprisingly, I found the race easier, not knowing where I was, and continued pushing forward. The image below depicts the challenging conditions.

My workout effort and bike mileage were significantly reduced compared to the previous year. In 2012, I logged over 250 hours of workouts or exercise and nearly 3,000 miles on the bike. This averaged over 40 minutes of exercise daily, which was satisfactory. However, 2013 was a complete letdown. I worked over 110 hours (an average of 18 minutes daily) and only managed to log less than 1,500 miles on the bike. I need to prioritize self-care and find a better balance in my life.

In 2013, I faced numerous changes. In late 2012, I was promoted to a supervisory role, which included conducting performance reviews and administering discipline. This led to letting go of a staff member for minor issues. I also felt the need for personal growth, possibly due to self-pity.

I upgraded my camera equipment and was pleased with the result. I purchased a Nikon D600 (Full-Frame), a Nikon 70-200 mm f/2.8 lens, a Tamron 10-24 mm f/3.5 lens, and a Nikon 50 mm f/1.4 lens. I also got an Epson R3000 and printed many pictures at home. Some of my favorite images are shown below. 

Minneapolis, Stone Arch Bridge	Pearson's Falls, Tryon, NC
Colorado Sunset	Downtown Minneapolis, MN

Bloomington, MN Fireworks

My son achieved a tweener!

Passing 50 brought a moment of introspection. Reflecting on my life, I realize I made numerous mistakes and acknowledge that it’s impossible to go back and change them. Despite this, I’m grateful that my son is doing well and appears content. My ex-wife seems genuinely happy, which is wonderful. She remains one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and I often miss her. It’s amusing how things change when you marry a friend. She deserves happiness as she approaches her mid-40s. While I believe things happen for a reason, as I’ve mentioned before, I still search for explanations for certain things that don’t make sense to me.

I spent much of 2013 reflecting on dear friends who passed away too soon. It’s hard to believe my three-year-old nephew, who died almost 25 years ago, was nearly 25. I still mourn the loss of my running partner and great friend, Dana, in a bicycle accident in 2005-2006. I vividly recall the image of my high school friend, David Prudlick, who was killed in my senior year. I also often think of Cutis Arthur Almond, the professor who believed in me and gave me the confidence to pursue my graduate work. May they, and many others, rest in peace.

I genuinely hope that 2014 brings you all good health and immense happiness. I know that I will have to contend with the fluid in the brain issue and the recurring infection that has recently sidelined me. The Prednisone, Levaquin, and other steroids have been quite challenging for me. At times, I feel tempted to give up, but then I remember that that would not be an admirable choice.

Hey, remember we’re only here for a short while—sometimes not even a long one! So, make sure to soak up those runs and the fresh air. As we age, those unforgettable moments can become increasingly difficult to come by. But if everything were easy, what would motivate us to keep going? It’s the challenge and the triumph that make it all worth it, you know?

I still require goals for 2014. One idea is to celebrate my son’s graduation with his Master’s Degree and subsequently embark on a bicycle journey from Denver to his home. This endeavor would encompass a distance of approximately 1,440 kilometers. While it would present a formidable challenge, it holds the potential to create enduring memories.

Happy New Year, and Carry on, my friends.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

Wayne

Happy New Year, Londell!  Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 10:09:41 AM CST

But grandpa, he looks funny!

My grandfather has been the subject of numerous blog posts. He recounted a story that defied logic, yet it profoundly underscores the love and care a parent provides to their child. It is a story that profoundly impacted my life.

My own son has faced numerous challenges, and if there were any way for me to emulate the actions of this father for his child, I would do so without hesitation. While I do not perceive the moral lesson conveyed in the following story from my grandfather, it prompted me to reflect on my own perceptions and the way I treat others. The story was of the following nature:

There was a farmer who had one eye. His son avoided him and thought his appearance was an embarrassment. He was always helping the neighbors in any way he could to raise a few more dollars to help his son.  One day during elementary school, he came to see his son. His son told his friend that the man wasn’t his father, but they knew.  He thought, “How could he do this to me?”  The next day at school, some of his classmates said, “EEEE, your dad only has one eye!” 

When the son came home, he told his father he wished he would disappear. His son exclaimed, “If you’re only going to make me a laughing stock, why don’t you just die?” 

The father did not respond. The son didn’t even stop thinking about what he had said because he was angry. The son was oblivious to his father’s feelings. 

The son wanted to leave that house and had nothing to do with his father. So, he studied really hard and earned the chance to study abroad.  Then, he got married, bought a house, and had kids.  The son was so happy with his life without his father.   

Then, one day, his father came to visit. He hadn’t seen him in years and had not even met his grandchildren. His son always told his family his parents were dead. The farmer was aware of his son's success and happiness but was concerned about the embarrassment he would have caused, so he stayed away. 

His children laughed at his father when the son stood by the door.  The son yelled at him for coming over uninvited. He screamed, “How dare you come to my house and scare my children! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!”   

And to this, his father quietly answered, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address.” Then he disappeared, telling the family it was an old co-worker.

One day, the son was informed of a school reunion.  After the reunion, he went to the old farm just out of curiosity.  The neighbors said that his father had died.  The son did not shed a single tear. The neighbors handed him a letter that his father had wanted him to have.

  

“My dearest son, 

I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.  I came to see you as I had liver failure and needed a donor.  If you read this letter, a donor was not found.  I think it is essential you know when you were very little, there was an accident, and you lost your eye.  As a father, I wouldn’t say I liked watching you having to grow up with one eye.  So I gave you mine. 

I am so proud of you!  You are seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye. 

With all my love to you, 

Your father.”

I vividly recall the initial time my grandfather shared this narrative with the grandchildren. We had recently encountered a child belonging to my grandfather’s neighbor. At the age of six that summer (the specific year is intentionally omitted), I was deeply affected by the child’s severe Down syndrome. The five grandchildren exhibited a lack of friendliness towards me, and I found myself feeling uncomfortable. I stared at the child and reacted rudely, uncertain of how to proceed. My grandfather then led the children into the living room, retrieved the Bible (a constant companion during his storytelling), and commenced the narrative.

Over the years, I have developed close friendships with individuals with Down syndrome, as well as with individuals who are overweight, unusual, or have other physical characteristics that may be considered different from the norm. I have come to realize that those who are less fortunate have an abundance of valuable qualities to offer everyone if we are willing to transcend our differences.

Thanks, Grandpa!

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Home Free

I’ve never been a big fan of a cappella music. I never quite understood or experienced its art form. To me, music needed a solid drumbeat and a great guitar riff to be truly enjoyable. That all changed on December 14, 2013, when I received a gift ticket to the Home Free concert at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota.

As I entered the theater, I was surprised to find the stage empty. There were only five stools and a few lights. How could they possibly rock the hall? How could we experience the music and the energy that only a skilled drummer and a guitar virtuoso can create? I was initially looking forward to a nap.

The concert started with outstanding percussion and a great stand-up bass sound. However, only two singers were present, while the other three created incredible instruments. I was amazed by their talent!

I bought all five CDs, as well as another by Tim Foust, a former solo musician. I was eager to get the songs on my iPod. To my surprise, the CDs were from when Austin Brown and Tim Foust weren’t in the band. The other three members are talented, but adding these two significantly improves the music. While the CDs were okay, I didn’t enjoy the new stuff; I couldn't listen to it all day.  

Here are some great videos if you have not seen them:

• Home Free doing Avicii - Wake me up
• The first night on the Sing-Off doing Cruise by Florida Georgia Line
• My Favorite - Ring of Fire

So, if you hear about them coming to town, spend some time experiencing the raw talent. It will be a wonderful experience.

Oh, as a side note, on December 23, they won the A Cappella competition (Sing Off), which was a very deserving win. Hope you get the chance to enjoy the talent. I know I did.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Being stupid and body pains

I often feel betrayed by my body, which seems to break down, leaving me frustrated and bitter constantly. Unlike others, I don’t have Arthritis, an inflamed gall bladder with stones that require surgery, chronic migraines, chronic hives, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Whenever I get sick, it’s never trivial; a cold can develop into bronchitis, and hay fever can lead to a sinus infection. The fact is, I’ve undergone a significant amount of healing. I’ve consulted with counselors, physicians, osteopaths, hypnotherapists, and more. I’ve become more in tune and aware of my body in many ways.

When I embarked on the journey of healing my chronic pain, I was disheartened to hear the familiar “poor me, why me?” thought pattern resurface. As I lay down, feeling a wave of self-pity, an epiphany struck me. There’s a lesson I need to grasp. What is my body trying to convey?

I said, “Excuse me, body, I feel betrayed. You’re always sick, sad, or sore. What are you trying to tell me?” “I’m not betraying you, but I have needs too. I try to let you know, but you’re too busy with your mind. You get lost when you’re together, and sometimes I have to scream at you to hear me.” I thought of the nights I ignored my body’s need for sleep and sugar, causing throbbing headaches and dehydration. I also thought of punishing workouts that pushed me to the brink of thinness.

I spent years overthinking, over-planning, and overtraining, enduring it all. I often ignored my body until it broke down. I don’t suggest that lack of awareness or ill-treatment causes all sickness or pain. Sometimes, illness is random and no one’s fault. So, I focus on what I can do. Focusing gives me peace, grounding, and inspiration. But how do I focus when my mind races?

I forget that being a martyr and pushing myself to appear less weak is a recipe for disaster. I need to understand if it hurts or will hurt. I need to stop saying “I should” or “Screw it, I’m doing it anyway.” This is irrational control. I may need to stop trying to heal. It may sound unusual, but hear me out. “Healing” implies sickness, brokenness, and inadequacy. What if I treated my body with absolute kindness instead? What would that look like?

I think of the power of meditation, along with focus, and the need to stop healing. I don’t think there is a person alive who couldn’t benefit from the intense mental skills that come from meditation. This is doubly true for those of us experiencing chronic pain. I am encouraged to find a style of meditation/relaxation that works, but it seems out of reach!

Nourishing myself is crucial. When I feel unwell, I tend to eat sugary foods for comfort, but they leave me feeling empty and drained. Choosing nourishing foods helps me heal. I could improve by finding joy in everyday activities. Illness hinders simple pleasures, but humor and pleasure are healing. I need to surround myself with joy.

I know this, but I struggle to change my attitude during pain or illness. I’ll try, but it seems daunting. I want a day with less than 50% of my body in pain. Then, I might be motivated.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

SteveQ

I could've written this same post, word for word. Thanks.  Sunday, December 22, 2013 at 12:04:19 PM CST

Anonymous

Londell- this is a great article with great info about chronic conditions. I'd like to ask you a couple quick questions, when you have a chance. Please email me at mtrucillo(at)recallcenter(dot)com. Thanks!  Monday, January 13, 2014 at 2:33:21 PM CST

Strange stories that make no sense, or do they?

My wise and respected grandfather told many strange, nonsensical stories. He said, “Someday you’ll understand my words, and they may not mean the same to you.” He made me think, and I credit him for my success. A proper father can make a difference.

The story I recalled this past week was:

This beautiful bluebird once had babies in the early part of winter.  The chicks were warm and all bundled together in the nest.  But one young chick was restless and wanted to enter the world early.  He flapped, shook, and did everything he could but could not fly.  He needed to be developed more.  One day, he moved just enough to fall out of the nest and dropped over 50 feet to the ground, which was cold from the snow.  He lay there freezing and did not know what to do, so he kept chirping as loud as possible.

Soon, up came the massive bull.  He looked at the bird and slowly positioned himself over the bird.  The bird thought he was going to be crushed.  Although the bull did not step on him, he just pooped on him.  The substantial warm pile of poop saved the bird from freezing.  The Bird was disgusted by the smell and being covered in poop and continued to make as much erratic noise as he could.  Then, up comes a wolf.  The wolf digs the bird out of the poop and uses the snow to clean it up a little.  Then, without hesitation, the wolf swallowed the bird and swallowed him whole.

I initially found this story unsettling when he shared it with me when I was about nine years old, and I’ve had similar feelings afterward. I always interpreted the moral as being prepared for life’s challenges. However, I’ve been enduring a particularly difficult five weeks, marked by excruciating pain, the recurrence of an infection that severely affects my balance, and debilitating headaches. I’ve exerted every ounce of mental strength to endure the pain and make it through each day. At night, I’m forced to wake up every few hours (or even sleep sitting up) to alleviate the pain. It seems that the medication has proven ineffective.

I woke up around 3:00 AM this morning, and my head was pounding. For some reason, I recalled the story my grandfather, which I mentioned above. As I thought about the story, I discovered two new moral lessons within it.

• The first thought was that in life, those people who throw shit on you are not always trying to hurt you (Cow shit kept the bird warm). Inasmuch, those who pull you out of a jam are not always trying to help you (wolf cleaned the bird up for lunch).
• A second moral could be when you are up to your nose in shit, keep your mouth shut!

So, I will not complain about the health issue too loudly. And Grandpa, if you happen to be reading blogs in heaven, you were already gone before I even started to get the hang of your stories. But honestly, I wouldn’t be the person I am today—the good parts, anyway—or who I am without you. You were truly the greatest, and you’re deeply missed, especially those stories that were a bit of a mystery to me when I was a kid.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Twas just weeks before Christmas

 A few years ago, I blogged more frequently, and people read my posts. I shared my ideal Christmas list, and someone read it because I had an interesting gift in mind for Santa on Christmas morning. The biggest surprise was that Santa actually read my blog; I must have been a good person! I never found out who it was, so I concluded that Santa must be real. What other logical conclusion could I draw?

So, this year, I’ll try again to see if anyone reads my posts. I know people read them, so let me rephrase it. I’ll see if anyone traditionally gives me the gift of reading my blog. Maybe Santa will reread it, and I’m not sure if I’ve been good this year.

Before I start my wish list, I wanted to share a few of my favorite Santa quotes. Some of you may have heard them before, but they’re always worth repeating. They’re just good reminders.

• "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." (George Carlin)
• "Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." (Victor Borge)
• "Santa was happily married, but his wife wasn't." (Victor Borge)
• "One of the problems we have in this country is that too many adults believe in Santa "Claus, and too many children don't." (Lee Lauer)
• " I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." (Bernard Manning)
• "You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger." (Robert Paul)
• Anyway, on to my list:
• Be pain-free!  For most of this year, I have had brutal headaches, and they progressively get worse.
• Be infection-free.  In October, I found I had the infection, which in 2010 resulted in major surgery.  I recently finished my Levaquin, Pro-Air, Q-Var, Fluticasone, and Prednisone routine.
• The ability to relax and wind down for a few days

This matter holds little significance if we spend at least one day together without any arguments. That would be the most wonderful Christmas gift of all. Peace and happiness are the things we cherish the most.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!