Oh, New Year’s resolutions, huh? I only had one really important one and a few nice ones I’d like to achieve. Getting a good work-life balance was the most important thing for me. But guess what? I haven’t taken a single day off to kick off 2017! If it weren’t for my son’s accident, I’d only have had about 5 days off since November 1, 2016 (that includes holidays and weekends). My shortest workday of 2017 was today, only 5 hours! But that was because I couldn’t even function; I had a headache and needed to rest. I wanted to work out a little, but I was too exhausted. My average workweek for the first four weeks of 2017 is just under 70 hours each week. I’m hoping I can survive another 10 days, and things at work should settle down. I feel like I’m on the verge of burnout and totally in a fog. I don’t remember feeling this worried about my health and well-being!
It seems like the local press is all gloom and doom about January, but it’s been a bit of a blur for me. It’s dark when I get to work and home, and I wouldn’t even notice if the sun was hiding behind the clouds. I’m really starting to lose touch with reality. Everything feels like a fog, and I have to think twice about what day it is and what I should do next. I’ve been going for days without showering, and I have to think hard about what I eat. Even though I’m eating, I still haven’t lost any weight, so I’m convinced I’m overeating. Plus, I forget to drink, and dehydration can really mess with your body.
I know that burnout and stress can sometimes lead to heart problems, anxiety, and depression. For the past year, I’ve had moments where I thought I was having a heart attack. It started with a tingling sensation in my left arm, followed by a few sweats and a bit of shortness of breath. It usually happens when I’m stressed. When I try the four-square breathing method, the chest pain usually goes away. I also have a little issue when I’m working out, so one side of me thinks I’m fine, and the other side, well, let’s say it’s a bit more concerned!
Last week, I had another echocardiogram, and I’m waiting to hear the results tomorrow. The last time, I had a minor blockage, but it wasn’t a significant issue. Still, I’m hoping for more reassurance tomorrow. I’ll definitely get some sleep tonight! Additionally, I need to undergo some blood work because I’m unsure if my nutrition is adequate.
It’s also a time of unrest for America. I remember when President Obama was elected, there was a lot of violence, and I was really disturbed by that. Now, with President Trump in office, we’re seeing protests again. It’s peaceful and not too violent, like the far right after the Obama elections. I had fear both times. Not a fear of the President, but fear of the people who are so far left or right taking action. I fear this more recently as the general divide has increased, and only some are left in the middle, trying to make sense of it all.
I just saw a text today, and it hit me right in the feels—so spot on! I bet everyone in America has been through the same emotional ups and downs on Facebook. The person who sent it might just quit, but I think taking a break could be a great idea too. It feels like nothing good comes out of it anymore, with all the fake news and twisted opinions that I’d rather skip, instead of the info that really matters to me.
My son has made a remarkable recovery from his ski accident. He is scheduled to return to work tomorrow, which should alleviate the boredom he has been experiencing. Ironically, he will be returning to Peoria for work. I spent several years working in Peoria and still harbor mixed feelings about that period. It is a distinctive city.
On a somber note, I regret to report that another friend has taken their own life. This brings the total number of acquaintances who have ended their lives in the past few years to nearly twenty. It is important to note that these events are not specific to any particular gender or age group. The youngest female was fifteen years old, while the youngest male was sixteen years old. The oldest female was sixty-one, and the oldest male was sixty-four.
These occurrences deeply disturb me. One common theme I perceive among these individuals is a profound sense of loss or the fear of losing something precious to them. The fifteen-year-old was being bullied, and the boy who showed interest reportedly ended their relationship because she did not engage in sexual activity. The boy had high expectations, and his girlfriend of a year abruptly and rudely ended their relationship. In the older adults, the female discovered that her husband was having multiple affairs and subsequently left. She was in a state of financial distress. A man I knew lost his wife, and his children distanced themselves from him. The basketball player I mentioned in the previous post is another case where the reason for their suicide remains unknown. I find it difficult to cope with uncertainty.
In light of historical data, I empathize with individuals who succumbed prematurely. Furthermore, as one ages, the pursuit of altruism and personal growth becomes more arduous, often accompanied by a sense of failure. Over the past few years, I have observed an increasing level of criticism from my loved ones. Despite these challenges, I remain perplexed by the ultimate precipitating factor that leads individuals to end their lives. This uncertainty is deeply unsettling.
Despite my aspirations for a positive 2017, I acknowledge that significant improvements are still necessary. In fact, only a few months into the year, the situation has deteriorated. I am expending considerable mental energy to maintain my physical well-being. I recognize the urgency of taking decisive action to avert a potential collapse. However, this entails neglecting the responsibilities of those who depend on me and neglecting my professional duties. This realization is particularly challenging to accept and could lead to a catastrophic outcome. I sincerely wish for my well-being tomorrow.
