Tough

Why do I harbor such a profound fear of everything slipping away when everything appears perfect to others? Is this a sign of an illness? I am at a loss for answers.

What I know is that the younger generation appears to be incredibly self-centered. I have a late 20s child who makes me feel deeply inadequate. I cannot help but wonder how wonderful life would be if I were no longer here. While I doubt I would ever consider ending my life, this self-absorbed 20-something makes me strongly contemplate jumping off a bridge. As I ride my bike across the long bridge on my way to work, I cannot help but think about how much better life would be if I took that leap.

As previously mentioned, I have personally witnessed at least 20 individuals I know commit suicide in the past few years. One of these cases was likely caused by the lack of care from the 20-something individuals and their spouses, who were seeking a divorce. I have heard about the immense devastation they are experiencing due to his decision to take his life, yet I am aware that when he was still alive, they exhibited little care and were not particularly kind to him. Therefore, when we are present, they couldn't care less about us, but they are saddened when we are gone. It is simply that this generation is so self-centered and has unrealistic expectations of others.

Similar to my child, I will call or text him, and he will either answer or ignore it for several days. I may have been waiting to hear back on several calls and texts for weeks. However, when he attempted to call me in that manner, I was not in the office. Consequently, after a few attempts to contact (less than 30 minutes), he proceeded to take an action that resulted in a significant issue. He should not have done what he did.

Nevertheless, when I reached him, he used profane language, complaining that he had broken something and blaming me for not answering the phone. Can you believe that he berated me for his mistake? For the first time in my life, he made me feel so bad that I left work for the day and seriously considered ending my life. Fortunately, I am strong, but I fear that if this nearly commonplace disrespect from the one I gave so much for continues, he may drive me to the brink!

Enough of that, as I am preparing for a trip next week. It should be enjoyable. There will be extensive driving, and I am fatigued. Additionally, I have not weighed myself in over a month. I am diligently attempting to lose weight, but due to the negative emotions my child evokes in me, I do not wish to risk accumulating negative feelings.

Carry on my friends!

People are self centered

I’m amazed by my friends, but they seem ordinary. My girlfriend, who thinks she’s conscientious and dedicated, is unreliable. She said she’d be home at 6:00 PM, so I left work at 5:30 PM. I’ll be there when she arrives at 7:15 PM. I forgot something at home and asked her to drop it off on her way to work (a 5-minute detour), but she acts resentful. I drive 20 minutes home to pick it up and 20 minutes back.

This happens with most things. I get a flat tire on my bike and ask her to pick me up, but she complains. It’s frustrating because I think we support each other, but I don’t get any support. This is the same with my son. It breaks my heart.

I’ve been getting a little work balance. I’ve been below 50 hours per week in the past two weeks. I still dislike going to the office and struggle to manage my anger over the work and lack of support. Part of that is helping my girlfriend’s son-in-law build a wall and patio. It’s excruciating work, and my back hurts badly. One more weekend will finish the job.

I’m more frustrated lately because I want more time for photography and other activities I enjoy. Right now, I hate everything.

Carry on my friends!

I hate

There’s a George Strait song called “I hate everything.” It resonates with me, though I don’t hate everything. I like nothing, which is different. My life revolves around sleeping, waking, working, and doing things for others. I don’t feel sad, happy, or anything but muscle and joint pain.

I feel nothing, a void, an absence. I feel the blank page, silence, dark matter, and dishwater. I move through the world, expecting to feel, but nothing happens. It’s unsettling, like a car not starting.

Feeling nothing feels like not being human. I don’t think I’m depressed; I’m a shell alone on a beach. The human experience without emotion isn’t human. This numbness stems from worrying about caring for my son and others, neglecting my own needs. My self-induced stress worsens it. I don’t consider suicide, but I’m not afraid of it. The basic human I gave my life for seems less caring than I am. It hurts.

Since I lack insightful recommendations, I remind myself that the problem wasn’t always there and won’t always be. I must wait and trust. One day, I’ll feel emotions again.

Carry on my friends!