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Please navigate to a more uplifting post. I am writing to express my frustration and dissatisfaction, and I plan to use this platform to vent and alleviate my emotional distress. I’m fortunate to compare my situation favorably to others. My friend Richard Chrz was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) in July 2010 and Neuropsychiatric Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (NPSLE) in February 2011. His life has drastically changed since his diagnosis. Before his diagnosis, he had run 50- and 100-mile trail races. Now, he experiences extreme pain when standing, walking, sitting, or lying down. Despite numerous infusions and treatments, he maintains a positive attitude. Then there’s Jordan Schmidt, a Ramsey, Minnesota, runner who identifies himself as a runner. Running is crucial to his life, but it presents challenges, especially with strenuous marathons. Diagnosed with asthma as an infant, he managed it while remaining active. However, in his teens, he discovered an inoperable brain tumor. At 20, Schmidt doesn’t identify as having asthma or health issues. He views himself as a runner and refuses to let the tumor and asthma control his life. With that, I will persist in battling and enduring this health challenge, eventually growing old. Both of these inspiring individuals have battled health issues for much longer than I have, and their diagnosis is a far more significant challenge than mine. I get frustrated with everything in my life, and I am exhausted; just trying to get through the day! I am so tired of internal bleeding and the pain. It is driving me crazy. It wakes me up at night, and I have been sleeping about four hours a night, while I wake up and sometimes drop a tear in pain. It is just so hard to deal with the issue, and it seems like I will never cease being anemic. I expend a significant amount of emotional energy solely on concealing the pain and challenges surrounding me, leaving me mentally drained by the end of each day. Naturally, this situation is exacerbated by the feeling that my job is draining my soul. Despite this, I dedicate approximately 55-60 hours weekly to giving my all to excel in my current position. In the first six months, I logged a staggering 1,603 hours, and unfortunately, I don’t receive overtime pay. To put this into perspective, consider the typical full-time employee who works around 2,080 hours annually, which is reduced to approximately 1,920 hours during vacations and holidays. I anticipate reaching a total of 3,000 hours. While I take pride in working regular hours and don’t mind the lack of immediate progress, I recognize the importance of managing my workload effectively. My physician, whom I consult regularly due to my severe chest pains, emphasized the need for me to reduce my stress levels. I am acutely aware of my high stress levels and have considered early retirement as an option. However, financial constraints make it an impractical choice at this time. I must wait approximately four more years before I can retire at the age of 60. Even then, I should be financially secure in retirement, but I must adopt extremely frugal habits. Ideally, I would prefer to delay retirement until I am 62 or 63 years old. However, given the nature of my job, attempting to extend my working years beyond this point could be detrimental to my health. So many times a day, I want to scream right now to "grab myself from the bootstraps" and pull my rear end off the ground. As soon as I wrote that quote, I thought, "What does that mean?" During a web search, I found that the origin of "grab myself from the bootstraps" isn't unknown. Much speculation! It refers to boots and the straps that some shoes have attached to help the wearer pull them on, and to the imagined feat of lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one's bootstraps. This seemingly impossible task exemplifies the achievement of overcoming a problematic situation through one's own efforts. It was known by the early 20th century. James Joyce alluded to it in Ulysses, 1922: "There were others who had forced their way to the top from the lowest rung by the aid of their bootstraps." More explicit use of the phrase comes a little later, from Kunitz & Haycraft's British Authors of the 19th Century: "A poet who lifted himself by his bootstraps from an obscure versifier to the ranks of real poetry." Some early computers used bootstrapping, which alludes to this phrase. This involved loading a small amount of code, which was then used to load more complex code progressively until the machine was ready. This led to the term 'booting' being used to start a computer. I digress! I’ve also been saddened (selfishly, so), yet I'm also happy for my son. He’s become incredibly independent and self-sufficient. He travels over 250 days a year. He has a girlfriend who I believe is an outstanding person, a true gem, and I hope he realizes how special she is to him! With this independence, he visits us occasionally for a three-day weekend, but about two-thirds of the time, he’s either working or sleeping. Then, he has activities he enjoys. I’m happy he visits his grandparents, and I usually spend three to four hours with him during the three days. While I may desire more, I’m delighted that he has his time occupied. I was concerned that if I don’t overcome these health issues and pass away, he won’t be well-prepared for life without me. That’s a comforting thought. Then there’s my girlfriend. She placed her mother, who has Alzheimer’s, in a nursing home. Her father is aging and facing numerous challenges. She has to be the guardian, providing so much care and concern for her parents. They live 300 miles away and travel often. She has never experienced death, and when the time comes for her parents to pass away, she will be at rock bottom. I need to be strong for her! I don’t discuss my health issues with her. I use the little energy I have to stay positive and hide the pain. At the same time, she now has two granddaughters and a grandson on the way. They often draw her away. Whenever we plan something, something inevitably comes up. She has a demanding and spoiled golden retriever that requires a lot of time and attention, especially since she’s busy. Her job is becoming highly challenging and stressful for her as well. Even though we live together, we’re fortunate to spend a few hours a week together when she’s stressed about aging, her parents, and the demands of life. I spend more time caring for her dog than with her. Overall, I’ve truly accomplished a great deal in my life. I’m at the point of feeling content in life, except for the constant issue of bloody stool, infusions, and pain. I’m not sure it can get any more fulfilling. I recently heard a Jason Aldean song, and when I hear the chorus, a part of it resonates deeply within me.

Found love, I thought I would never find

Sometimes, I cannot believe this life is mine

And I am not planning on leaving yet

But the truth is, you just never know

And if this is as good as it gets

Man, I think I am good to go

I am good to go

I also wrote a song in 2016 that is a good description of what I feel.  It is called Reflection and the lyrics are: 

Been gone so long, can't see where I've been

Faded signs and changed places, I'm a stranger again

Forgotten faces, as names drift away

I have no home or anywhere to stay

I wake up in the morning, face like a cracked windowpane

Years have drawn the lines, a story written in pain

Spent too many nights losing in this game called life

Now my reflection scares me, cuts through me like a knife

Every wrinkle is a chapter; each scar tells a tale

Of nights I fought my demons and the times that I failed

Bought myself some pain; my only friend when I’m undone

Life is better alone now, chasing the setting sun

(Chorus)

I tried to find my happiness in someone else's eyes

But the mirror doesn’t lie; it shows a man who’s compromised

Solitude’s a companion when you're living through my past

My reflection scares me; how long will this life last

I see the ghost of who I am in every field

Haunted by the choices and failing to yield

My mind replays sorrowful songs

Life is better alone when your heart is gone

I had dreams, once bright as summer skies

Now they’re just flickers in my weary eyes

Living in the silence, it’s where I find my peace

Though my reflection scares me, where will my pain cease

(Chorus)

I tried to find my happiness in someone else's eyes

But the mirror doesn’t lie; it shows a man who’s compromised

Solitude’s a companion when you're living through my past

My reflection scares me; how long will this life last

Living in the silence, it’s where I find my peace

Though my reflection scares me, where will my pain cease

With that, I will persist in battling and enduring this health issue, growing older, and attempting to live, which becomes increasingly challenging with each passing day!

Carry on my friends, carry on!