Where is the man I used to be?

The man I once was, when I was carefree, happy, and confident, has been absent for decades. Gradually, he has been eroding my inner self. I apologize for my grumpiness, my lack of enjoyment, my inability to see the positive side, and my infrequent sense of humor.

Occasionally, after working over 60 hours a week for years to make ends meet, to do my best, and to ensure the well-being of others, it becomes challenging to find humor and maintain rational thinking.

I am not making excuses. I do not intend to make excuses. However, along with my apology, I want you to know that the sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient, and snappy man you now encounter is not the man I envisioned or aspired to be.

I yearn to be the man who smiles spontaneously or because there is something within me that prompts it. I yearn to be the man who does not work himself to exhaustion and discovers something he enjoys. I yearn to work without the constant fear of repercussions for a simple decision. I yearn to be the man you laughed with as if nothing else mattered but my amusing joke. I yearn to be the man who possesses the confidence to believe in himself and accept that everything will unfold as planned. I yearn to be the man with the energy, patience, and creativity to infuse life with joy. I yearn to be the man who was difficult to criticize, unlike now, when most people persistently point out my flaws!

Perhaps, one day, I will rediscover him.

However, at present, I am at a loss. I am lost in a job that pushes me to the brink and makes me feel inadequate. Lost in a life that consists solely of sleep, work, sleep, work… Recently, I discovered that I have only had nine days off this year. This includes weekends and holidays. (There have been four holidays and twenty-six weekends, totaling fifty-two days so far this year.) Therefore, out of the seventy-eight days, most individuals have had off, while I have had nine… I acknowledge that this is my responsibility, but I am uncertain of what else to do!

Please continue to be patient with me. I am uncertain if I deserve such patience, but I implore you to remain with me for a while. In time, I hope the man we all cherished will return.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

RIP Grandma's Marathon 1984-2014 - for me anyway!

I’m near job burnout. I’ve worked 70-hour weeks, but I’m ready to work a 40-45-hour week, and people will have to wait. This job stress has been a unique blend of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion, coupled with doubts about my competence and the value of my work.

Have you become cynical or critical at work? I drag myself to work, struggle to get started, and become irritable with coworkers, customers, or clients. I have low energy, need more satisfaction from my achievements, and have terrible sleep habits. I’m troubled by unexplained headaches, backaches, or other physical complaints.

I have no control over my job. I can’t influence decisions like your schedule, assignments, or workload. We also lack the necessary resources to support your work. Work takes up so much time and effort that I don’t have the energy to spend time with my family and friends.

I identify strongly with my work, which causes an imbalance between my work and personal life. I need to stop trying to be everything to everyone. The consequences are excessive stress, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, and obesity, all of which increase my stroke risk. I must change before it’s too late.

I won’t finish the 31^st consecutive Grandma’s Marathon. There are a few reasons for this decision.

• Firstly, the forecast predicts severe thunderstorms. At the age of 52, I do not require six hours of exertion to complete a marathon in adverse weather conditions.
• I’ve had severe ankle pain since last fall, and physical therapy helped temporarily.
• Lastly, my health is a concern. As I had mentioned on May 29, the doctor diagnosed a bleeding ulcer. Although I have made an effort to improve my health, I have yet to achieve significant progress. Consequently, I decided to schedule a follow-up appointment before the race. The results were unfavorable, and the doctor strongly advised against participating. 

Long-term fatigue has many causes, but my hemoglobin level is now very low. I cringe when he calls it anemia. Low hemoglobin may be temporary, but it’s more likely due to internal bleeding that I can’t control. My job is the primary source of stress. I’ve never experienced this level of stress in the past six months, and I don’t see it getting better.

I had held on to Grandma’s Marathon for months, but I ignored the doctor's advice and did it anyway. I want to fail, as the thought of not going is depressing. It makes me wonder what else is there.

All streaks end, but I feel empty. My heart feels ripped from my chest. Maybe it’s my heart that bleeds, not my stomach.

My consecutive finishes at Grandma’s Marathon are over. RIP to the last consistent part of my life.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

Mike W.

A heckuva streak, sit back and reflect on all the good years and a few of the struggle years and take pride. Well done. I missed you this year, and I hope to see you there next year.  Mike. Monday, June 29, 2015 at 3:47:12 PM CDT