Here we go again!

If you have read this blog, you may have encountered my customary late November post detailing my Christmas wish list. I typically enumerate several items, and each year, I would receive one or two of them. However, one week before Christmas, I would revise the post and eliminate the items. Some individuals perceive this as unkind, while others are unaware of their presence. Conversely, some believe that I should disclose my desires. Nevertheless, why does Christmas predominantly revolve around the concept of gifts?

It is more convenient to envision celebrating Christmas in the contemporary world when considering the act of giving gifts. However, have you ever contemplated the underlying reason for the tradition of gift-giving during Christmas? In certain aspects, this tradition is deeply rooted in history, while in others, it represents a relatively recent development.

In Christianity, giving gifts at Christmas is linked to the gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh given to the Christ child by the three wise Magi. Originally celebrated on January 6th, the Feast of Epiphany, giving gifts became more associated with Christmas. The period from December 25th to January 6th is now known as the “twelve days of Christmas.”

The ancient Church observed Christmas as a holy day rather than celebrating it. Gift-giving to loved ones has become popular in the modern era, with various countries and people incorporating it into their holidays. By the time the Americas were settled, exchanging gifts at Christmas was a common practice. The early Dutch settlers introduced St. Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus, to the New World, whereas the early French and English colonists were more likely to give gifts at New Year’s or Epiphany.

A common Christmas tradition emerged, where gifts were exchanged on Christmas. In the 19th century, O. Henry, Charles Dickens, and Thomas Nast helped shape our modern concepts of Santa Claus and other holiday traditions.

Today, we give gifts for various reasons. Some celebrate the Christian holy day, while others express care for family and friends. Sometimes, giving gifts becomes mechanical and a chore. In such cases, it’s worth reflecting on the true meaning of Christmas.

Recently, I’ve seen the real meaning of Christmas in my girlfriend’s daughter’s actions. She works hard to create meaningful gifts. I hope the recipients understand their specialness. It’s not just about putting down and wrapping them. I’m not sure she’ll ever know how my heart expanded when I saw her create the gift, not just purchase and wrap it. If I’m present when they open the gifts, I’ll be happy, as I believe she’s captured the true meaning of Christmas!

The purpose of disclosing one’s Christmas wishes is not solely centered around material gifts, but rather on fostering love and camaraderie. When a gift is genuinely heartfelt, it encapsulates the essence of Christmas.

I find myself increasingly concerned about this tradition. Last year, I refrained from adding any items to the “list” as I desired Christmas to be a celebration of emotional connections rather than material possessions. This year, I have already acquired three items that I desired (the cost was worth it to obtain them). I intend to add a few more items to the list, but I would rather prioritize engaging in human activities.

• In February, a friend who was abused called me scared. When I picked her up with blood on her face, I took her to a battered women’s shelter. I didn’t know what else to do. I saw her a few weeks ago; she’s still emotionally down but doing better. If you want to purchase a gift for me, donate to http://www.bwlap.org/donations. 
• People should smile as they help an elderly neighbor shovel the driveway.
• I would like a Banjo Brothers Large Frame Pack
• There is a new photo-editing device that seems really cool. I am hesitant because it is high-priced, but it looks cool.
• It would be cool to have a bike taillight that can be mounted on the frame rather than the seat post, like the Cyrgolite Hotrod 50 USB at Amazon or REI or the NiteRider Sentinel 40 Rear Bike Light.
• This item is unusual, especially for some, but listing it is odd due to the author. Some background may help. Seeing that the departed one is truly happy and better off than you can help one get through a divorce. It stings, but understanding reality isn’t my weakness. My ex-wife seems happier, and I’m glad. She married a talented nature photographer who wrote a great book. It’s better than Tony Northrop and Scott Kelby’s books. The book can be found here!
• I need a better bike mirror. This one works nicely. I had this one, but my son needed one, so I gave it to him. Which is best?
• And last? Nice bike socks like these...  I would need XL as they run small, and I am size 11.5.

I hope someone dear to me finally gets their wish. Relationship problems have been tough. It’s hard when a long-term relationship ends and someone coldly turns away. I wish that person finds peace and understanding when there’s no answer.

I’d be happiest if you were kind to everyone you meet and yourself.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Loved one in pain and charades

Halloween has arrived, and this year it falls on a Saturday, making it the perfect day for everyone to celebrate.

Yesterday, I was asked about my plans for the holiday. I had been contemplating a short trip next weekend. After a brief exchange, the man wished me a pleasant journey. However, he then remarked, “But then again, why wouldn’t you? Your life is truly golden!”

I must admit that the act I portrayed was pleasant, as it allowed me to be perceived as living a golden life. Nevertheless, the words he uttered left me speechless. He was not being impolite, sarcastic, or insulting. I believe he was sincere. And that is the aspect that astounded me because here is the truth:

This individual had observed me on several occasions over the past year, for brief periods. Typically, I am dressed formally and employed full-time. He generally appreciates the photography I have displayed on the office wall. He holds a high regard for my expertise and confidence in my profession. Consequently, this is what he was aware of.

The truth is that there exists a darkness that I rarely reveal, nor do most individuals perceive. Particularly in the present era, when numerous of our connections occur only for a mere five minutes at a time—fully filtered or meticulously hashtagged. In our defense, however, it is not entirely our fault. The challenges we face and the difficult days we endure do not always translate effectively when there are twenty individuals eagerly awaiting our presence on a busy day.

What would I have conveyed to this individual to prevent the assumption of a golden image? I could have mentioned, “Yes, I am traveling to Colorado. My son is currently experiencing a particularly challenging period, and he is experiencing significant emotional distress. I could share with him the details of my heart condition, which was diagnosed last spring, and how I frequently encounter difficulty breathing—a terrifying health scare. I could also remind him of the intermittent nature of my post-traumatic stress disorder. Therefore, visiting Colorado to immerse myself in nature appears appealing, but it seemed like an ideal location to escape from life’s demands.”

No, I won’t tell him that because it would be really harsh and cruel to shock a total stranger into oblivion, especially since he looks up to me for my confidence and leadership.

But today, I was really thinking about my sense of authenticity, how vulnerable we all are together, and how polished we try to be. It made me feel like a total fraud because I’m not all the things this man sees when he looks at me.

If I showed up one morning looking like I’d been through the wringer…it would be a completely different person staring back at me. That’s not going to happen because I spend so much time worrying about what others think of me. Additionally, my biggest challenge is letting go of people, even when they have hurt me.

I feel like I’ve failed as a son. I try to avoid big groups so I don’t feel like the invisible one. I’m insanely self-conscious about my smile. I feel like I’m easy to walk away from in life…and it haunts me every single day.

I frequently assume that I care more about others than they do about me. I consistently feel like a poor father and despise emptying the dishwasher.

Every day, I fear that my girlfriend will eventually realize how irrational she is in our relationship. I am grateful for each day that she does not.

I aspire to write a book that is emotionally taxing. However, I am apprehensive about being told that my life was never worth sharing. I grapple with the daily struggle of feeling adequate and, ironically, good enough.

Additionally, I experience frequent bouts of crying, particularly recently, as I witness the pain my loved ones endure. The private nature of their struggles prevents me from offering any assistance.

I doubt that I would receive recognition for any of this. Scars serve as tangible reminders of survival, symbolizing my determination to confront challenges rather than flee from them. We all possess these scars, even the individual seated across from me. He, too, engages in battles, defends his position, and confronts his own struggles in his unique manner.

Perhaps it is not about accumulating accolades for the perceived reality we present to the world on social media, but rather about earning the recognition of bravery through our actions in the face of adversity. Life demands courage, bravery, and vulnerability.

Upon waking, I proceed to my workplace, effectively managing the significant stress that permeates my life, while proudly displaying my scars. Despite my efforts, I find it challenging to convey to my son that he is not facing this battle in isolation. However, having endured this struggle for over a decade, I am experiencing a profound sense of exhaustion. I continually fall short of expectations and strive to be a better person by attempting to maintain a facade of normalcy. The accompanying image eloquently encapsulates the essence of my current predicament.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Respect?

Every human is unique, with varying religions, loyalties, and temperaments. We all have quirks that bother others, such as body odor, which we often overlook but that others find bothersome.

One of my pet peeves is time. I value others’ time and expect the same respect. I always arrive 10 minutes early for appointments, but they often make me wait until 10 minutes after my scheduled time. I asked about it once, and they said the previous appointment was late, so I had to stay. They don’t seem to care about their behavior.

If you’re like me and are always late, you probably don’t mind inconveniencing others. Regular tardiness reduces my trust in you. How can I trust you to be punctual when I need you? If you say you’ll be there at 10 and arrive at 10:40, that affects other aspects of life.

For example, if you say you care for me, does that mean I care, but I’ll care less if something else comes up (like being late)? This is a significant blow to trust. I try to accept the unique nature of individuals who are chronically tardy, but I still feel betrayed and disrespected. I’m unsure how to overcome this feeling, but I’ll keep working on it. Otherwise, I’ll carry anger internally, which will cause more problems.

Some say chronically late people are not hopeless but hopeful. I see this too. Those who don’t respect others’ time are generally more optimistic, while people like me are less optimistic.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

I made 53!

The past year has been challenging, as I have lacked the motivation to engage in physical activities such as running or cycling. I have been cycling for approximately half of the year, and it is more of a chore than an enjoyable experience. It is a task that I complete, similar to commuting to work or home.

On Saturday, September 19, I celebrated my 53rd birthday. I jokingly self-diagnosed myself as dyslexic, and I am currently 35 years old. Interestingly, I am in a period where living is not as arduous as it was in my earlier years. I do not harbor concerns about losing my job or being unable to provide for my family. I also lack the desire to improve myself. Some individuals attribute this to a common issue among middle-aged men, while others suggest that it may be a problem that led to my loss of interest in activities that once brought me great joy.

As I approached the weekend, my outlook was positive. This past week, I considered resuming running, albeit gradually and with small objectives, to get outdoors and alleviate my self-doubt.

My 53rd birthday was initially promising. Numerous colleagues at work extended their well-wishes on Friday, their sincerity being a refreshing experience. Saturday was equally enjoyable. During the day, my son and I visited the bicycle shop, the German festival, and the Apple Store. Later that evening, my girlfriend prepared a delicious dinner and a delectable carrot cake, my personal favorite.

However, Sunday morning dawned at 6:00 AM, prompting me to prepare for a group bike ride. This was a three-generational, 32-mile bike ride that balanced various interests. While it presented challenges and elicited some frustration, I managed to dismiss them and focus on enjoying my birthday weekend.

As the day progressed, I endeavored to maintain a positive demeanor in a particular situation, only to be met with harsh criticism reminiscent of a two-year-old. This unpleasant encounter severely dampened the positive emotions I had been experiencing. Instantly, the desire to engage in running dissipated, leaving me in a state of stagnation akin to the months preceding. I grappled with the profound impact of mean-spirited words on my psychological well-being, notably how they could diminish the joy I was beginning to experience. While I may never fully comprehend the reasons behind this, I recognize the error in allowing such negativity to persist.

In retrospect, I recall valuable lessons learned during my collegiate years. It is imperative to cultivate mental fortitude and refrain from dwelling on self-pity or the treatment I have endured. Instead, I must assume responsibility for my actions and comprehend that life is not always devoid of challenges or inequities. I must cease allowing others to exert control over me, as I did this evening. Tonight, I succumbed to an inappropriate sense of vengeance in my attempt to be benevolent, thereby granting someone else dominion over me.

Furthermore, I must cease complaining about uncontrollable factors, such as lost luggage or traffic congestion. Instead, I have focused on the aspects of my life that I can influence. I must recognize that I am not obligated to please everyone. I am empowered to decline requests or assert myself when necessary, and if this offends, so be it. While I strive to be kind, I cannot tolerate the anger that arises when my efforts to bring happiness to others are met with hostility.

Regardless of the outcome, I am weary of numerous burdens. I must conduct a thorough evaluation of my past and present circumstances to determine my future course of action. My subsequent post will likely convey a more optimistic outlook. My writing frequency has diminished due to the scarcity of favorable information to share. Let us join together in prayer for a positive transformation.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Budget Rent A Car - Use caution

Two weekends ago, I rented a car from Budget Rent-A-Car instead of Enterprise. I found a better rate by pre-paying. While the pick-up and drop-off locations were more convenient, I chose Budget. I arrived 30 minutes early and asked to wait until the rental visit. The worker agreed, and I left 15 minutes early. He offered again, but I declined.

I returned the car 90 minutes early the next day and noticed a 70% increase in total charges on my credit card. I questioned this, and they responded: “There was no issue.”

After reviewing our records carefully, we have determined that this happened in your case.  

When your rental circumstances changed and you returned sooner than 24 hours, 

a different rate (that accurately met your new rental parameters) was applied to your contract.  

We are sorry for any miscommunication or inconvenience.

I returned a car early, and the rental fee increased by 70%. If I had returned four hours early, the fee would have been lower. Budget Rent-A-Car often adds sneaky fees for returning cars early. I’d hate to see what happens if I was two minutes late.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

What's been happening?

I tried to take a much-needed vacation last week.  So far this year, I have lost 7 vacation days, as I am an idiot and not using them.  I was looking forward to a bit of time off.  Work has calmed a little.   We have filled the open positions, and they are very high-quality individuals.  The female we hired 6 months ago is one of the best I have worked with, and it is a pleasure to have such skilled workers.

The vacation started out well, but it just kept getting worse.  The worst part was early in the trip.  I was within seconds of seeing a bicyclist get killed by an alcohol-impacted driver.  It was in the mountains near Golden, Colorado.  I felt sick as they worked on the innocent bicyclist for at least 15 minutes, and it only looked worse.  Read about it here.  

The axle of the car I was driving fell off within 10 miles of careening down a mountain with significant drop-offs.  If the axle had not held as long as it did, I would undoubtedly be at the bottom of some ravine and, I am sure, dead.

Toward the end of the trip, I had an enriching experience.  My son decided to ride his bicycle up Mount Evens (just south of Idaho Springs, Colorado).  It was a 14-mile ride with just under a mile ascent, ending above 14,000 feet.  I'm still determining how he did it, but seeing him score the goal was nice!

For some reason, I am growing more distant from those I care about most and closer to those I do not care for.  It is such an odd experience.  It is easier to hide the intense pain I am experiencing from those I do not know well.

Another downer is I recently found out a perfect friend has stage 4 colon cancer.  He had stomach pains for a while and even had his appendix out recently.  Then, this was discovered.  He is working hard to get the house ready to sell and make sure his wife is going to be OK after he passes.  Just heartbreaking to see such great people stricken with this grief and a short time to live.

On the Mount Evens trip, I was able to take some snapshots of some critters as well!

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Increase from 9.8 to 12.6 and copper clappers

I used to run five days a week, but knee surgery led me to stop. I started biking instead. This year, I’ve tried biking to work more often than once a week. I made three days, one week and a half, and two days a few times. Just under a third of the weeks starting in April, I didn’t bike at all.

I’ve complained about work being stressful and long. We have fewer staff members than in 2006, but we are busier. Technology could’ve reduced one position, but we’ve been trying to fill it for a long time. A staff member quit over a year ago, and we’re just starting to fill that permanent position.

My work life will be tolerable again in November. I’ll take a vacation, but I need to figure out where. I lost over three weeks of unused vacation time in the past few years.

(THIS IS T.M.I., so feel free to skip two paragraphs). I recently acquired a new bicycle attachment and am eager to test it out. One aspect I miss about running is the ability to listen to music or audiobooks. While cycling, the wind noise is substantial, and it is crucial to remain vigilant of one’s surroundings. To address this, I have purchased an Ivation1000mAh speaker system for my bicycle and cat ears to mitigate the wind noise.

I would like to know if the weather conditions will be favorable tomorrow. For the first time in a considerable amount of time, I am genuinely enthusiastic about this low-cost purchase and anticipate that it will significantly enhance the enjoyment of my bicycle commute.

If you are not aware, I have started an extensive Root Beer Review blog.  I have purchased over 50 brands, and I review them little by little, based on my preferred enjoyment.  After the first 10, it is incredible how different the same product is in this world.  Imagine if a tomato had over 30 different tastes but was labeled and looked the same?

In conclusion, I recently viewed the Fruitcake Lady on YouTube. For those familiar with the show, it offers a delightful comedic experience. For those unfamiliar, it remains enjoyable nonetheless.

In addition, I would like to share one of my favorite Tonight Show clips. Notably, new staff members (typically younger) inquire about the identities of Joe Friday (Jack Webb) and Johnny Carson when they encounter them. The skit gains additional depth for viewers who have watched Dragnet.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Where is the man I used to be?

The man I once was, when I was carefree, happy, and confident, has been absent for decades. Gradually, he has been eroding my inner self. I apologize for my grumpiness, my lack of enjoyment, my inability to see the positive side, and my infrequent sense of humor.

Occasionally, after working over 60 hours a week for years to make ends meet, to do my best, and to ensure the well-being of others, it becomes challenging to find humor and maintain rational thinking.

I am not making excuses. I do not intend to make excuses. However, along with my apology, I want you to know that the sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient, and snappy man you now encounter is not the man I envisioned or aspired to be.

I yearn to be the man who smiles spontaneously or because there is something within me that prompts it. I yearn to be the man who does not work himself to exhaustion and discovers something he enjoys. I yearn to work without the constant fear of repercussions for a simple decision. I yearn to be the man you laughed with as if nothing else mattered but my amusing joke. I yearn to be the man who possesses the confidence to believe in himself and accept that everything will unfold as planned. I yearn to be the man with the energy, patience, and creativity to infuse life with joy. I yearn to be the man who was difficult to criticize, unlike now, when most people persistently point out my flaws!

Perhaps, one day, I will rediscover him.

However, at present, I am at a loss. I am lost in a job that pushes me to the brink and makes me feel inadequate. Lost in a life that consists solely of sleep, work, sleep, work… Recently, I discovered that I have only had nine days off this year. This includes weekends and holidays. (There have been four holidays and twenty-six weekends, totaling fifty-two days so far this year.) Therefore, out of the seventy-eight days, most individuals have had off, while I have had nine… I acknowledge that this is my responsibility, but I am uncertain of what else to do!

Please continue to be patient with me. I am uncertain if I deserve such patience, but I implore you to remain with me for a while. In time, I hope the man we all cherished will return.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!