Halloween has arrived, and this year it falls on a Saturday, making it the perfect day for everyone to celebrate.
Yesterday, I was asked about my plans for the holiday. I had been contemplating a short trip next weekend. After a brief exchange, the man wished me a pleasant journey. However, he then remarked, “But then again, why wouldn’t you? Your life is truly golden!”
I must admit that the act I portrayed was pleasant, as it allowed me to be perceived as living a golden life. Nevertheless, the words he uttered left me speechless. He was not being impolite, sarcastic, or insulting. I believe he was sincere. And that is the aspect that astounded me because here is the truth:
This individual had observed me on several occasions over the past year, for brief periods. Typically, I am dressed formally and employed full-time. He generally appreciates the photography I have displayed on the office wall. He holds a high regard for my expertise and confidence in my profession. Consequently, this is what he was aware of.
The truth is that there exists a darkness that I rarely reveal, nor do most individuals perceive. Particularly in the present era, when numerous of our connections occur only for a mere five minutes at a time—fully filtered or meticulously hashtagged. In our defense, however, it is not entirely our fault. The challenges we face and the difficult days we endure do not always translate effectively when there are twenty individuals eagerly awaiting our presence on a busy day.
What would I have conveyed to this individual to prevent the assumption of a golden image? I could have mentioned, “Yes, I am traveling to Colorado. My son is currently experiencing a particularly challenging period, and he is experiencing significant emotional distress. I could share with him the details of my heart condition, which was diagnosed last spring, and how I frequently encounter difficulty breathing—a terrifying health scare. I could also remind him of the intermittent nature of my post-traumatic stress disorder. Therefore, visiting Colorado to immerse myself in nature appears appealing, but it seemed like an ideal location to escape from life’s demands.”
No, I won’t tell him that because it would be really harsh and cruel to shock a total stranger into oblivion, especially since he looks up to me for my confidence and leadership.
But today, I was really thinking about my sense of authenticity, how vulnerable we all are together, and how polished we try to be. It made me feel like a total fraud because I’m not all the things this man sees when he looks at me.
If I showed up one morning looking like I’d been through the wringer…it would be a completely different person staring back at me. That’s not going to happen because I spend so much time worrying about what others think of me. Additionally, my biggest challenge is letting go of people, even when they have hurt me.
I feel like I’ve failed as a son. I try to avoid big groups so I don’t feel like the invisible one. I’m insanely self-conscious about my smile. I feel like I’m easy to walk away from in life…and it haunts me every single day.
I frequently assume that I care more about others than they do about me. I consistently feel like a poor father and despise emptying the dishwasher.
Every day, I fear that my girlfriend will eventually realize how irrational she is in our relationship. I am grateful for each day that she does not.
I aspire to write a book that is emotionally taxing. However, I am apprehensive about being told that my life was never worth sharing. I grapple with the daily struggle of feeling adequate and, ironically, good enough.
Additionally, I experience frequent bouts of crying, particularly recently, as I witness the pain my loved ones endure. The private nature of their struggles prevents me from offering any assistance.
I doubt that I would receive recognition for any of this. Scars serve as tangible reminders of survival, symbolizing my determination to confront challenges rather than flee from them. We all possess these scars, even the individual seated across from me. He, too, engages in battles, defends his position, and confronts his own struggles in his unique manner.
Perhaps it is not about accumulating accolades for the perceived reality we present to the world on social media, but rather about earning the recognition of bravery through our actions in the face of adversity. Life demands courage, bravery, and vulnerability.
Upon waking, I proceed to my workplace, effectively managing the significant stress that permeates my life, while proudly displaying my scars. Despite my efforts, I find it challenging to convey to my son that he is not facing this battle in isolation. However, having endured this struggle for over a decade, I am experiencing a profound sense of exhaustion. I continually fall short of expectations and strive to be a better person by attempting to maintain a facade of normalcy. The accompanying image eloquently encapsulates the essence of my current predicament.
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