I HATE the floods! Careful what we wish for!

I’m really curious about the weather forecast! I’m not a fan of extreme cold, especially when it comes to riding a bicycle in spring rain and floods. Then there’s the heat of summer. But hey, there are three months between early August and the middle of November when I can really enjoy biking. So, looking at the bright side of winter, at least in the tundra, it can’t flood, right?

Even with the not-so-great weather, I’ve managed to complete 59 rides (28 of which were to work) and racked up 1,006 miles! The mileage is high now because the flood has made the trip 5 miles longer each way, adding 10 miles daily, for a total of 36 miles compared to the shorter 26 miles. A week ago, the river was just low enough. I had hoped to take the shorter route, but after a week of rain, the river is up about 2.5 feet! Check out the chart below, which shows the river levels from the last time I could ride the short route, on March 19, through today.

I await the weather and look forward to the day when I can take a shorter ride.

In terms of my health, I was experiencing significant improvement following the previous iron infusion. However, after a few weeks, I began to experience sleep deprivation once again. I am aware that I was still experiencing gastrointestinal bleeding, which, coupled with other symptoms, led to this realization. Last week, my average sleep duration was approximately four hours. Despite my efforts to address the issue, insomnia is the first symptom I notice when my iron levels are low. I intend to increase my consumption of tofu, sesame seeds, and spinach, which have been beneficial in the past. However, these combinations can become monotonous relatively quickly. I have scheduled tests for June 4th, and another infusion is imminent.

Regarding my work situation, there are still unresolved issues. We are currently operating at approximately 20 percent below the levels achieved in 2006, during the peak of the economic boom. Our workload has increased significantly since then. Consequently, I am required to work almost every weekend, which has resulted in the loss of 32 vacation hours and an average workweek exceeding 50 hours. This figure only accounts for the time spent at the office, which includes a limited number of remote hours. The stress levels have reached an all-time high. If I were not nearing retirement (in a few years), I would consider leaving my current position to prioritize my health.

My son has been traveling a lot for work lately, and it feels like ages since I last saw him. He spent most of the spring in Germany. I’m trying to figure out where he’s headed next. Fingers crossed it’s back in the US so he can catch up on life! His girlfriend works in Alaska, so he’s working remotely from there.

That’s great because he can finally spend some time with his mom. Alaska is a long flight, but he manages to make it work sometimes. I know his schedule is crazy, so for the past year, he’s been in Alaska as much, if not more, than Minnesota. I hope he can keep visiting Alaska more often, especially since he loves the sunshine there, especially when there are 20 hours of it a day!

My girlfriend has been super busy with work, and we’re spending less time together each year. She leaves for work about three hours after I do and gets home two hours later. So, I have breakfast at the office and dinner for about an hour before she gets home. It’s funny how, during the week, we only see each other for about four to five hours, and we live in the same house!

Then, I work every Saturday, and she’s busy with the grandchildren on weekends. That’s just the way it is now with three little ones (nine months, 18 months, and four years old). She’s amazing with kids; if she could, she’d see them as much as possible, but work gets in the way.

So, Porter and I often hang out, which is good.  He has a very odd personality, so we get along just fine!

He owns the bed!

Husker necktie

 

That's an update!  Carry on my friends, carry on!

745.4 – Good? Bad? Not ugly!

Hey there! As of May 6, 2019, I’ve racked up a total of 745.4 bicycle miles each year. Most of these miles have been for commuting to work. I’m still determining whether 745.4 is a suitable goal or if I need to increase my pace, so I’ve been reviewing data from the past few years.

For 2017, I hit 1,763 miles, and for 2018, it was 1,659 miles. That seems pretty low, and I’m wondering if I should have been tracking more miles since my bike computer shows over 4,000 miles and is two years old. So, based on the data, I’m almost halfway to the 2017 and 2018 totals, which sounds like a fantastic achievement! I’m really crushing it this year compared to my 760 miles in 2016. I could do even better, though. The mind can be a real challenge to battle! I’ll keep going and hope we get some rain soon.

Due to the flooding, my commute to work is almost 18 miles one way. It’s 13 miles through the Old Cedar Avenue bridge route, but that route is about 10 feet underwater on the Burnsville, MN side. I wait, and, of course, add 10 miles to my daily commute. That means I’ve already added 190 extra miles today, as I finished my 19th commute. There’s a chance the floodwaters will recede next week, but we have heavy rain forecasted for two days later this week.

I’m still struggling with fatigue, primarily because of anemia. I’m getting infusions less often, but I can tell when things start to get bad because four hours of sleep is a good night when I’m low on iron. After the infusions, I sleep like a baby and feel much better! I wish we could figure out exactly what’s going on.

Anyway, I’m still alive and doing better. Increasing the miles is nice, but the weight and body stiffness are still issues. Time will help with those, as long as I keep exercising, so I definitely can’t give up anytime soon.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

wildknits said

Londell,   That is impressive mileage for 2019! Especially as this has been a harder winter/spring than in recent years. I am sorry to hear they still don't have any answers for you to explain the anemia and your ongoing health issues. That can be draining both mentally and physically.  I am sure you have been fully worked up and checked for issues like Celiac (it can cause weird symptoms, including unexplained anemia: https://celiac.org/about-celiac-disease/symptoms-of-celiac-disease/ Monday, May 13, 2019 at 11:49:00 PM CDT

Snow like no other!

Residing in the state of Minnesota, which I hold dear, for over two decades, I can confidently assert that it ranks among the most desirable states to call home. Despite occasional complaints from residents about the severity of winters, each season in Minnesota has its unique charm and allure.

Winter, in particular, presents a captivating spectacle. The quiet snowfall, the countryside transformed into a pristine white expanse, and the enchanting ambiance of a white Christmas create an unforgettable experience. However, it is undeniable that Minnesota winters can be challenging.

Last month, the temperatures plummeted to a wind chill of approximately -60 degrees, a truly extreme condition. Subsequently, a remarkable 97-degree swing occurred within three days, with temperatures reaching 37 degrees. Furthermore, the absence of snow for several decades has been a notable deviation from the norm, as evidenced by the recent snowfall in the past two weeks.

Despite these challenges, the anticipation of spring instills a sense of optimism and renewal. The prospect of warmer weather and the eventual return of snow fills me with hope and excitement.

Approximately two weeks ago, I contracted the flu, which incapacitated me for six days. The severity of the illness has increased each year. Is age a contributing factor?

Following my recovery from the flu, I have resumed light exercise. I have been able to complete two 6-mile bicycle rides each week. While the weather presented challenges, I am grateful for my efforts. I arrive at my destination 20-30 minutes each week, with the hope of improving my overall well-being.

I recognize that engaging in physical activity has a positive impact on my mood. However, it can be challenging to maintain motivation due to the demanding nature of my job. It is challenging to perform at my best daily and support the mental fortitude to resist the urge to seek solace until the end of my workday. Nevertheless, I must remember that our daily responses to them can determine whether we have adverse experiences.

I am still alive and well, with aspirations for a brighter future.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Time escapes faster as I get older!

It has been some time since I last posted, and I am uncertain as to why. Life has been quite busy, and I have neglected my writing responsibilities. I am eager to regain my writing momentum and establish a consistent writing schedule.

Last year, I set a goal to reduce my work hours. I successfully achieved this goal, with my average workday decreasing from 7.0 hours in 2016 to 7.1 hours in 2018. While this may seem like shorter workdays, it represents the average daily hours over the course of 365 days. Notably, I do not receive overtime pay despite a nearly 20% reduction in staff.

In November, I purchased a new car. While I did not require a new vehicle, I had never owned a car for comfort purposes. My previous cars were primarily used for transportation, and I had owned a few Smart cars that were under $15,000 and enjoyable to drive. I decided to invest significantly more in a vehicle, opting for a smooth-driving model with advanced features and excellent fuel efficiency. The car I purchased is a Kia Niro Touring Edition, a hybrid that provides approximately 50 miles per gallon.

So, health-wise, I had a bit of a rough patch over the holidays. I was dealing with chest issues for two whole weeks. Finally, on Christmas Eve morning, I popped into urgent care and found out I had pneumonia. They put me on a bunch of medicines that were a bit of a rollercoaster for my system. It took weeks to feel like myself again. I was a little worried because I had planned a trip to Texas to see Jordan and catch the FCS National Championship game. Plus, I was bringing him tons of stuff, so I drove.

The trip was definitely tiring, but it was also a blast. I was in care for just over 6 hours a day for the whole six-day trip. I even joined the Bison migration, which was a fun app. The game was absolutely unforgettable. NDSU beat Eastern Washington 38-24, but there were definitely some nail-biting moments. Jordan and I had a fantastic time. It was great because I haven’t seen him as much in the past few years, but that’s just part of growing up and kids getting busy with their own stuff.

In an effort to reduce my reliance on driving and increase my cycling activity, I have decided to purchase a fat-tire bicycle, specifically the Juiced Ripcurrent S. While the bicycle is expected to arrive in approximately one week, I anticipate being able to ride it in February. 

So, in general, it is the same old, same old.  I am alive with little time for relaxation!

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Annual difficulty

We have an election tonight. I’ve been nervous about America’s state. Both major parties are extreme. Excessive anger and hatred over political beliefs are common, especially among people who used to hate each other over religion. The world is changing in ways I fear.

I’m also near an anniversary of a traumatic event that reactivates my thoughts and feelings. Each November, I experience peaks of anxiety and depression. I remember events clearly and feel emotions intensely. While reliving sadness is natural, it’s been over two decades, and I realize there’s no one right way to heal.

I try to cope with stress and distress in healthy ways. Writing helps, but I don’t share my memories and feelings with someone I trust. Activities that focus my mind, like my job, are also helpful. However, my job’s stress exacerbates my frequent chest pains and impulsive eating, leading to weight gain. I’m at my heaviest ever. I feel trapped. I sleep an average of 4 hours a night and work nearly 60 hours a week. Below are my typical sleep patterns as recorded by my sleep monitor software.

In an effort to combat the challenges of November, I have adopted contemplative activities, including reading, reflection, and walking. While walking can be physically demanding, I am fortunate to abstain from alcohol and drug use, which are common choices for many individuals. As a means of overcoming the physical limitations of November, I intend to engage in water workouts. Although I acknowledge the importance of exercise, I am currently experiencing fatigue and soreness that hinder my motivation to exercise. To overcome these obstacles, I must cultivate strength and determination. My goal is to endure the next six weeks, despite the potential difficulties. However, I have been reminded that fear is an ineffective emotion. Therefore, I must prioritize focusing on this fact.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Skip this post!

Please navigate to a more uplifting post. I am writing to express my frustration and dissatisfaction, and I plan to use this platform to vent and alleviate my emotional distress. I’m fortunate to compare my situation favorably to others. My friend Richard Chrz was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) in July 2010 and Neuropsychiatric Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (NPSLE) in February 2011. His life has drastically changed since his diagnosis. Before his diagnosis, he had run 50- and 100-mile trail races. Now, he experiences extreme pain when standing, walking, sitting, or lying down. Despite numerous infusions and treatments, he maintains a positive attitude. Then there’s Jordan Schmidt, a Ramsey, Minnesota, runner who identifies himself as a runner. Running is crucial to his life, but it presents challenges, especially with strenuous marathons. Diagnosed with asthma as an infant, he managed it while remaining active. However, in his teens, he discovered an inoperable brain tumor. At 20, Schmidt doesn’t identify as having asthma or health issues. He views himself as a runner and refuses to let the tumor and asthma control his life. With that, I will persist in battling and enduring this health challenge, eventually growing old. Both of these inspiring individuals have battled health issues for much longer than I have, and their diagnosis is a far more significant challenge than mine. I get frustrated with everything in my life, and I am exhausted; just trying to get through the day! I am so tired of internal bleeding and the pain. It is driving me crazy. It wakes me up at night, and I have been sleeping about four hours a night, while I wake up and sometimes drop a tear in pain. It is just so hard to deal with the issue, and it seems like I will never cease being anemic. I expend a significant amount of emotional energy solely on concealing the pain and challenges surrounding me, leaving me mentally drained by the end of each day. Naturally, this situation is exacerbated by the feeling that my job is draining my soul. Despite this, I dedicate approximately 55-60 hours weekly to giving my all to excel in my current position. In the first six months, I logged a staggering 1,603 hours, and unfortunately, I don’t receive overtime pay. To put this into perspective, consider the typical full-time employee who works around 2,080 hours annually, which is reduced to approximately 1,920 hours during vacations and holidays. I anticipate reaching a total of 3,000 hours. While I take pride in working regular hours and don’t mind the lack of immediate progress, I recognize the importance of managing my workload effectively. My physician, whom I consult regularly due to my severe chest pains, emphasized the need for me to reduce my stress levels. I am acutely aware of my high stress levels and have considered early retirement as an option. However, financial constraints make it an impractical choice at this time. I must wait approximately four more years before I can retire at the age of 60. Even then, I should be financially secure in retirement, but I must adopt extremely frugal habits. Ideally, I would prefer to delay retirement until I am 62 or 63 years old. However, given the nature of my job, attempting to extend my working years beyond this point could be detrimental to my health. So many times a day, I want to scream right now to "grab myself from the bootstraps" and pull my rear end off the ground. As soon as I wrote that quote, I thought, "What does that mean?" During a web search, I found that the origin of "grab myself from the bootstraps" isn't unknown. Much speculation! It refers to boots and the straps that some shoes have attached to help the wearer pull them on, and to the imagined feat of lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one's bootstraps. This seemingly impossible task exemplifies the achievement of overcoming a problematic situation through one's own efforts. It was known by the early 20th century. James Joyce alluded to it in Ulysses, 1922: "There were others who had forced their way to the top from the lowest rung by the aid of their bootstraps." More explicit use of the phrase comes a little later, from Kunitz & Haycraft's British Authors of the 19th Century: "A poet who lifted himself by his bootstraps from an obscure versifier to the ranks of real poetry." Some early computers used bootstrapping, which alludes to this phrase. This involved loading a small amount of code, which was then used to load more complex code progressively until the machine was ready. This led to the term 'booting' being used to start a computer. I digress! I’ve also been saddened (selfishly, so), yet I'm also happy for my son. He’s become incredibly independent and self-sufficient. He travels over 250 days a year. He has a girlfriend who I believe is an outstanding person, a true gem, and I hope he realizes how special she is to him! With this independence, he visits us occasionally for a three-day weekend, but about two-thirds of the time, he’s either working or sleeping. Then, he has activities he enjoys. I’m happy he visits his grandparents, and I usually spend three to four hours with him during the three days. While I may desire more, I’m delighted that he has his time occupied. I was concerned that if I don’t overcome these health issues and pass away, he won’t be well-prepared for life without me. That’s a comforting thought. Then there’s my girlfriend. She placed her mother, who has Alzheimer’s, in a nursing home. Her father is aging and facing numerous challenges. She has to be the guardian, providing so much care and concern for her parents. They live 300 miles away and travel often. She has never experienced death, and when the time comes for her parents to pass away, she will be at rock bottom. I need to be strong for her! I don’t discuss my health issues with her. I use the little energy I have to stay positive and hide the pain. At the same time, she now has two granddaughters and a grandson on the way. They often draw her away. Whenever we plan something, something inevitably comes up. She has a demanding and spoiled golden retriever that requires a lot of time and attention, especially since she’s busy. Her job is becoming highly challenging and stressful for her as well. Even though we live together, we’re fortunate to spend a few hours a week together when she’s stressed about aging, her parents, and the demands of life. I spend more time caring for her dog than with her. Overall, I’ve truly accomplished a great deal in my life. I’m at the point of feeling content in life, except for the constant issue of bloody stool, infusions, and pain. I’m not sure it can get any more fulfilling. I recently heard a Jason Aldean song, and when I hear the chorus, a part of it resonates deeply within me.

Found love, I thought I would never find

Sometimes, I cannot believe this life is mine

And I am not planning on leaving yet

But the truth is, you just never know

And if this is as good as it gets

Man, I think I am good to go

I am good to go

I also wrote a song in 2016 that is a good description of what I feel.  It is called Reflection and the lyrics are: 

Been gone so long, can't see where I've been

Faded signs and changed places, I'm a stranger again

Forgotten faces, as names drift away

I have no home or anywhere to stay

I wake up in the morning, face like a cracked windowpane

Years have drawn the lines, a story written in pain

Spent too many nights losing in this game called life

Now my reflection scares me, cuts through me like a knife

Every wrinkle is a chapter; each scar tells a tale

Of nights I fought my demons and the times that I failed

Bought myself some pain; my only friend when I’m undone

Life is better alone now, chasing the setting sun

(Chorus)

I tried to find my happiness in someone else's eyes

But the mirror doesn’t lie; it shows a man who’s compromised

Solitude’s a companion when you're living through my past

My reflection scares me; how long will this life last

I see the ghost of who I am in every field

Haunted by the choices and failing to yield

My mind replays sorrowful songs

Life is better alone when your heart is gone

I had dreams, once bright as summer skies

Now they’re just flickers in my weary eyes

Living in the silence, it’s where I find my peace

Though my reflection scares me, where will my pain cease

(Chorus)

I tried to find my happiness in someone else's eyes

But the mirror doesn’t lie; it shows a man who’s compromised

Solitude’s a companion when you're living through my past

My reflection scares me; how long will this life last

Living in the silence, it’s where I find my peace

Though my reflection scares me, where will my pain cease

With that, I will persist in battling and enduring this health issue, growing older, and attempting to live, which becomes increasingly challenging with each passing day!

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Empathy?

In 2014, I wrote about five people over 50 who committed suicide within a short period. It’s hard to believe it was over three years ago! Two I knew well, two acquaintances, and one famous person all met their untimely deaths. Despite their financial independence and few life issues, they left this world. Recently, I’ve heard of three others who, I assume, would be content with their lives. Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, and Ines Zorreguieta. 

Yesterday, I read a New York Times article that stated, "In 2016, there were more than twice as many suicides as homicides." Why? I will never know, and we can’t ask the deceased. It’s not surprising; I can almost empathize. As we age, we can’t do what we like anymore. Our bodies and souls have worn out. The people we cherish have often moved on, and we’ve become an integral part of their lives, second nature. We lose loved ones around us regularly.

I recall a tragic incident involving a father of two girls who took his own life. His wife, who had been with him for approximately 20 years, was seeking a divorce. According to what I gathered, his relationships with women during his college years were distant. I had heard that he had called one girl the night before, but she deliberately ignored the call and let it go to voicemail. The next day, she received the call that no one should have received. Could she have prevented his suicide? It’s uncertain whether she would have taken the call and reminded him of his importance and her love for him. Often, such actions are attributed to stress or the accumulation of life’s challenges.

While I am not yet stress-free, I am currently experiencing an unprecedented level of stress. Our work environment has become increasingly demanding, and we have reduced our staff by 20 percent since 2007, before the financial crisis. On average, I work 55 to 60 hours per week. Recently, two millennial employees took paternity leave for several weeks, which resulted in me working every day for 32 consecutive days, averaging 8.6 hours per day. Although it may not seem like a significant amount, it was 32 straight days of work.

During that period, I had limited time to contemplate how miserable I might feel about aging or other issues that I assume contribute to suicide. Thoughts of it arise constantly, even when I’m not actively engaged in a task. "Why am I here" or "Who would even care if I was gone." However, this constant state of motion causes my mind to race, resulting in minimal sleep—an average of about 4.5 hours per night. If I were not always on the go, would I dwell on depressing thoughts and potential contributing factors to the actions of many?

Another consequence is that I recently visited the Heart Specialist, who made it evident that I won’t be here in the next few years unless I manage my stress effectively. We’ve discussed the necessary actions, but unfortunately, I’m not sure I’m motivated to take them. I’m not suicidal, but I’m content with my life. I’ve made many mistakes, but I’ve also received rewards. As we age, we continue to make more mistakes and lose the vibrancy we had when we were younger.

This also relates to body weight. The Doctor is clear that my high stress levels and low sleep levels significantly slow down my metabolism. Despite eating very healthily and carefully monitoring all my intake, including vitamins and minerals, I still gain weight. Often, I feel like I gain weight when I eat an apple or a banana. Looking back, I remember being in my best athletic shape when I had little stress and slept well. There’s a clear correlation.

Anyway, what’s the purpose of this post? I’m troubled because I think I understand the actions of those who ended their lives. That’s scary, and sometimes it’s better to write about our fears to help work through them. That’s what this post is about: reminding myself that quitting is not suitable for anyone. However, I need to stop some things to reduce my stress, or I’ll be committing suicide in a less-than-publicized way, naturally, through stress damaging my heart, body, and soul.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

Olga wrote -  

About suicide and other stuff. Being busy is one of the ways to not fall into a depressive mode. And being unselfish - suicide is a generally selfish move, leaving behind people who may struggle. But, of course, those who commit one think they are too lonely for anyone to care about them. It's a vicious circle. Basically speaking, pretty much each of us, at one point in our lives or another, has been at the moment of thinking "Why?". The statistic shows that the suicide rate has increased in the world, especially in developed countries. I say it's due to technology/social media—the false sense of having support, yet increased loneliness. And yes, I blame the news - the more it is spoken about, the more it shows those in a down state of mind, "the path, the escape". Again, it is a vicious cycle. We think we need to discuss it to prevent it, yet we give ideas to the weaker ones. I don't have answers. Just ruminating. I often deactivate Facebook and feel less alone than when I'm on it. Because the expectations are just for me to pick myself up, entirely "pull yourself by the hair".  Saturday, June 9, 2018 at 6:18:03 AM CDT

Odor - mental health trigger?

Spring has arrived, bringing warmth and a scent that instantly transports me back in time, both fondly and with a bittersweet nostalgia. Simple sensory cues, like the smell of spring air, a farm, or even rain, can trigger complex emotions and memories. I researched this because my mental health can be altered or triggered by smells.

Interestingly, incoming smells are first processed by the olfactory bulb, located at the base of the brain. It has direct connections to the amygdala and hippocampus. However, visual, auditory, and tactile information do not pass through these brain areas, which may be why olfaction successfully triggers emotions and memories more than any other sense.

Smells trigger vivid emotional memories and are more effective at inducing them. Scientists found that memories evoked by odors are linked to increased brain activity in areas associated with visual vividness. Smells can also trigger negative emotions, especially in individuals with PTSD. Growing up on a farm, I have some harsh memories that impact me mentally. I once cooked grass-fed meat and was emotionally ill eating it. I smelled the same smell of beef from my childhood, which challenged me mentally.

I recalled a Vietnam veteran who had issues with the smell of diesel. It brought back intense war memories, guilt, and helplessness. He vividly saw the burning vehicle, open doors, and billows of fire and smoke. I initially thought little of it, but now I understand the impact of smells on emotions.

As I discuss this, people tend to agree. Some say relationship attraction is more about appearance and aroma, which are crucial to relationships. A friend noticed that his desire decreased when his girlfriend changed perfumes, and the perfumes of other women didn’t smell like his. I’ve started recognizing smells that cause anger, helplessness, and similar issues. I need to document calming scents that increase happiness. Mastering the smells that benefit or hinder us will improve our lives.

I’ve been off blood thinners, but still have significant anemia. I get regular infusions and limit omeprazole due to side effects. I watch my diet for better results. I have another heart scan scheduled, which I assume is okay.

Oh my gosh, work is a crazy whirlwind right now! I’ve been working around 70 hours a week for the past couple of weeks, and it looks like we might be in for a few more weeks like that. Additionally, half the team is currently enjoying paternity leave. We’re still a bit short-staffed compared to 2006, and we’re really hoping to bring on one more person when everyone else reaches that level or even higher. Ugh! And then, when people can’t get the help they need quickly, it gets frustrating. It’s like they think I’m not doing my job when it takes a day to get back to them. As of this morning, while I’m waiting in a clinic for a medical procedure, I have over 150 work emails in my inbox. I’ve tried to sort them out, but some that came in five days ago are still waiting for a reply—it’s a bit of a bummer, but it’s the reality. I’m thinking about retiring, but that’s still over five years away.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!