250th post! I question why I blog at all?

The motivation for this post stems from a conversation I had on Friday with a good friend from 2006-2008 who also has a blog. She asked if I still read her posts, and when I replied yes, she was unsure because I hadn’t commented in a while. I explained that I had little to comment on since she’s married, has two kids, and runs less than I do. We’ve lost some common ground, but I like to stay updated. She said she posts less now on Facebook, which I quit using last July.

I thought of my own blog. I started it in 2007 with three posts that year. Tonight would be the 250th post, averaging one post every two weeks. I posted more frequently, but between 2011 and 2013, I had 33 posts or once every five weeks. I had two surgeries and a significant bicycle crash in 2011, which resulted in a concussion. My highest post years were 2008 and 2009, with 73 and 62, respectively.

In this time of self-indulgence, I revisited my two-year-old question: “Why continue with this blog?” I wrote:

• “Bloggers have scant opportunity to collect our thoughts, to wait until events have settled and a clear pattern emerges.  We write about ourselves at a relatively fixed point in this constant interaction with the ideas and facts of the exterior world.  In this sense, the historical form closest to blogs is the diary. But with this difference, a diary is almost always a private matter. Its raw honesty, dedication to marking life as it happens, and remembering life as it was make it a terrestrial log. A few diaries are meant to be read by others, just as correspondence could be—but usually posthumously or as a way to compile facts for a more considered autobiographical rendering. But a blog, unlike a diary, is instantly public. It transforms this most personal and retrospective form into a painfully public and immediate one. It combines the confessional genre with the log form and exposes the author in a manner no author has ever been exposed.”

I don’t blog for others. Sharing my ride is a nice byproduct of documenting my thoughts, including fears and joys. Writing helps me sort out my complex life and makes my craziness seem routine. It gives me purpose and a positive emotional feeling. Unlike a diary, knowing it’s public provides accountability and improves my mental health. I’ll continue past 250 posts; they may become more interesting and allow others to share the ride.

Winter is gone! Regular bike rides to work will become a reality if I stay healthy. There are many benefits beyond financial ones.

 Carry on my friends, carry on!

Dedication, is it worth it!

Approximately six years ago, I experienced a shift in my mindset. On Sunday afternoons, I would begin contemplating the imminent arrival of Monday. This shift occurred after a fulfilling Saturday spent outdoors, devoid of work-related thoughts. I cherished weekends as a means of respite from the weekly routine.

The office employed a total of nine professional staff members and two administrative staff members. However, the economic downturn gradually led to the departure of employees from their positions. Consequently, the reasons for maintaining a fully staffed office diminished. In 2012, the office was able to return to a seven-staff and two-administrative position. Overall, the office was operating with two positions (approximately 20% fewer) compared to its peak in 2006.

In 2013, the economy experienced a resurgence, leading to an increased workload. Three long-term staff members departed after 2010, and the positions were filled by new, talented professionals who required substantial training. Consequently, I began working weekends.

I would track my working hours and divide them by the number of weeks. If I took a vacation week, I would have zero hours worked, but still include that week when dividing the total. In 2012, my average workweek was just over 74 hours, although that included my tennis work. In 2013, I no longer completed tennis work; the average decreased to 60 hours a week. In 2014, I managed to reduce my hours to 55 a week. So far, in 2015, my average is 53 hours a week. Recall that this is the actual average of hours per week, regardless of whether I was on vacation. I have taken 6 days of vacation so far this year for surgery and one for heart-related issues.

In 2013, I started working every other weekend. I lost track of the days of the week. I no longer felt stressed when the weekend ended, as it never started. In 2014, I had 19 of 104 Saturdays and Sundays off. This sounds crazy and embarrassing to admit. What good is that high-paying job if it is killing me from within? What do I mean?

My job entails a constant struggle against my desires. My mind is confined to the confines of the workplace. Is employee development a lost art, or has robot training become the norm? Employers care less and less about your personal growth and concerns. They prioritize their own interests, often stretching the truth a little to secure your employment. However, once you are in, they find there is too much “real work” to be done, and the only time available to work on projects I enjoy is on my own time.

My employer has good intentions, but they need to improve by reducing the workload for their understaffed team. They have yet to comprehend the value of our daily accomplishments. Additionally, there are the dreaded closed-door sessions to which only the top brass are invited, where they appear to keep secrets.

Today, a crucial member of my team resigned. This news fills me with dread, as I anticipate a return to 72-hour (or more) workweeks. I already feel exhausted and depleted from several years of high stress and unrealistic expectations. I am uncertain about my next steps, but I have managed to complete 30 consecutive Grandma’s Marathons due to my unwavering determination. While some may argue that this attitude is detrimental to my well-being, I am too stubborn and unyielding to consider any alternative. Is any job or self-worth in a job truly worthwhile? I am uncertain, but we are pushed to the brink of exhaustion, leaving me no time to contemplate this matter. Can a job truly be fatal?

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

wildknits

I relate to this post. I never worked as many hours as you, but I left my job because it made me miserable and unable to enjoy life. I left behind wonderful colleagues and work that I enjoyed, even when challenging. When I started my previous job, there were six RNs between our two clinic sites. Over the past three years, that number decreased to two, including one administrative person with an RN degree who rarely assisted in daily work. There seems to be a disconnect between those who make hiring and firing decisions and those who perform the daily work. As a result, those of us who take responsibility and pride in our work often end up compromising our health and well-being. I chose to cut my losses. The first rule of ultras is “Do nothing fatal,” which could also apply to our work life. Saturday, April 25, 2015 at 8:08:24 AM CDT

LDP

Lisa, all so true. I really need to take your wise comment to heart!  Tuesday, April 28, 2015 at 9:16:00 PM CDT

Must start somewhere

In a previous post, I disclosed that at the age of 15, I stood at 5 feet 9 inches and weighed approximately 280 pounds. I proceeded to elaborate on my less-than-ideal childhood experiences. Currently, I am weighing 309 pounds, which is considered overweight. I am once again weary of being overweight and have reached my limit. I must embark on the journey I undertook in 2006 (when I was 44 years old). During that time, I successfully lost 100 pounds. I am determined to repeat this process.

Fitness and weight loss are perennial goals that individuals frequently discuss. We make New Year’s resolutions, watch television programs such as The Biggest Loser, purchase vitamins marketed as available at GNC, and observe advertisements for Weight Watchers. Everywhere we turn, we encounter suggestions regarding our appearance and activities. However, year after year, Americans are experiencing an increase in obesity and a decline in overall health.

One of the most significant obstacles to achieving success is the scarcity of time. My professional responsibilities are demanding and stressful, requiring me to work long hours at the office (averaging 55 hours per week) and endure the congestion of rush-hour traffic on my commute home. Consequently, I find it challenging to accomplish all my necessary and desired tasks, despite the constant need for additional time to complete them. Consequently, my exercise plans are frequently postponed, often several weeks into the following month.

I must prioritize a healthy lifestyle.  

Here are my reminders:

1. I did not get fat overnight. I cannot get fit overnight.
2. I have no trainer or support staff. I work a full-time job and live an everyday life.
3. Adopting a healthy eating lifestyle will have a significant impact on my life.
4. I will exercise with both weights and cardio activities.
5. I plan to help others through this account of my struggles and successes.

To monitor my progress, I plan to provide occasional blog updates. While I am not a fitness professional, I do not require one. My primary objective is to maintain motivation. Additionally, I have acquired another distraction to prolong my time. Amazon offered the Garmin Vivo Fit 2 at a discounted price of $59, so I decided to purchase it. It will arrive on Tuesday.

I conclude with a photograph that could have been enhanced, but it represents my initial attempt with my new 150-600 mm lens. I have been refining my bird or similar photography skills. I must remain proactive and prioritize my well-being by ensuring that my healthy activities take precedence.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Wait weight, don't kill me

Weight management has consistently presented a challenge for me throughout my life. During my formative years, I was often perceived as overweight, and my physical appearance was subject to ridicule from peers. At the age of 15, I stood at 5 feet 9 inches and weighed approximately 280 pounds. Despite my awareness of the importance of mindful dietary choices, I have encountered significant difficulties in achieving weight loss. I have come to accept my current weight as a permanent state. While I strive to comprehend the underlying reasons for my struggles, complete understanding may remain elusive.

For the past quarter-century, I have been grappling with a metabolic condition. To clarify, metabolism refers to the body’s biochemical process of converting food into energy that sustains life. Nutrition encompasses proteins, carbohydrates, and fats. Digestive enzymes facilitate the breakdown of these substances, transporting them to cells for immediate energy utilization or storage in the liver, adipose tissue, and skeletal muscles for future use.

 In light of my recent research, I am concerned about the impact of imbalances in essential substances on my metabolism. I have discovered a heightened sensitivity to metabolic errors. The body requires amino acids and various proteins to function effectively. For instance, the brain necessitates calcium, potassium, and sodium to generate electrical impulses, while lipids (fats and oils) are essential for maintaining a healthy nervous system.

Metabolic disorders can arise from a deficiency of specific enzymes or vitamins that are crucial for significant chemical reactions, abnormal chemical reactions, diseases affecting the liver, pancreas, endocrine glands, or other organs, or fundamental nutritional deficiencies.

Could my current situation be attributed to a lack of knowledge? I am aware that specific organs, such as the pancreas or liver, can malfunction and lead to metabolic disorders. While I have experienced minor issues in the past, my current concern is primarily related to the heart. My sister and I share similar problems, but no other family members have experienced the same issues. Therefore, I am inclined to dismiss any genetic factors. 

I have frequently contemplated whether I may be experiencing diabetes, which is the most prevalent metabolic concern. I have consistently monitored my glucose levels, and I have maintained a level below 100 for several years. Before becoming aware of the potential issue, I had a peak of 106, which is still not an alarming level to maintain, as it is typically under 100. Although consistently in the high 90s, it should not be a cause for concern.

Despite my ongoing confusion, I am increasingly considering this possibility as my weight approaches my lifetime high of over 300 pounds. I must take immediate action to address this matter. While I have identified the problem, the challenging aspect lies in finding a solution.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Can gratitude calm my nerves and make me more effective?

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.” ~Cicero

I’ve been told that expressing gratitude or practicing gratitude can have numerous benefits, including improved health, stronger relationships, better career outcomes, improved sleep, and higher self-esteem. Recently, I came across scientific studies that support the positive impact of positive thoughts on the brain.

I remember a great friend, Steve Wilkinson, who emphasized the importance of gratitude in both tennis and life. He believed that expressing gratitude during a match can calm the nerves and mind. As an avid tennis player in my youth, I often struggled to perform at my best during tournament matches. I was constantly overthinking, overly cautious, and excessively tense during these matches.

I met Steve in the early 80s at a Tennis and Life Camp. He noticed my anger and warned me it’d hinder my life. Recently, my cardiac issues made me realize the importance of his teachings. I’ve come to value gratitude. He often said I have nothing to lose. This applies to sports and life. Gratitude, calmness, and serenity are powerful.

In a distinct legal context, I had the opportunity to substantiate this theory. In 2012, I was required to testify in a matter about my professional endeavors. During the waiting period, I experienced apprehension as I meticulously rehearsed my statements.

Subsequently, a remarkable occurrence transpired. I consciously reminded myself of the significance of gratitude. Specifically, I expressed profound appreciation for the opportunity to present the facts, be heard, and convey my perspective. This was a privilege that I had previously been unable to exercise. Up to this point, I had been inundated with accusations from various parties, including those who were expected to provide support. I expressed gratitude for residing in a nation where individuals have the right to seek justice without numerous impediments. These thoughts immediately alleviated my nerves, resulting in a state of calmness and composure.

A short while later, it ended, significantly impacting the outcome. I began to believe that gratitude for stressful situations stimulates brain neurons, rewiring the brain to produce happiness. But why did I think this at over 50?

Here are my thoughts. They include:

• Gratitude towards others redirects our focus from what is troubling or worrying us to what lifts our spirits. We shift from negative to positive thinking and energy.
• Gratitude towards others gives me a proper perspective of what’s at stake.

BOTTOM LINE: There are many opportunities to test this powerful dynamic. I recently used it at work and was amazed by the outcome. Try it and see what you think. Remember to appreciate all aspects of life, including gratitude for another day with humans in a great land.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Any purpose

As my girlfriend’s daughter turned 25, my son turned 26, and a new baby joined our family, I pondered the inevitable changes in our bodies as we age. Physical deterioration can start as early as 30 or 35, and soon we face the challenges of the “Big Five” health concerns.

In light of these developments, I have been dedicating more time to reading and seeking guidance from experts and individuals over the age of 50 whom I admire. I would like to know whether it is possible to achieve peak physical condition after the age of 50 and whether I should even consider pursuing this goal.

One individual who has captured my attention is Tony Horton, the renowned fitness instructor known for his P90X and 10-Minute Trainer programs. At the age of 57, Horton asserts that achieving peak physical condition is attainable for individuals over 50, contingent upon their specific circumstances. If an individual has led an inactive lifestyle for a significant portion of their life, they may be able to achieve this goal. Conversely, if they were once an Olympic athlete, Horton maintains that it is not feasible.

I know the logic and what I need to do, but I do not apply myself.  A recent study published in the American Journal of Medicine found that the higher your muscle mass index is, the more likely you’ll live longer! My primary concern is maintaining motivation and discipline.  I need to improve in several ways.

• I feel anxious about life and wonder if I’m experiencing a late midlife crisis. I lack purpose and time for self-care or to discover a new direction. I’ve been questioning my identity in relationships and crave direction and grounding. I have anxiety, headaches, insomnia, low mood, and irritability.
• I have been searching for a map or compass to help guide me to a clearing. I can’t find it!
• In my professional life, I plan for the day ahead. In my personal life, I struggle with planning.  I really need to make an appointment and complete the meeting for my health.
• I have no one to hold me accountable, which is a big issue. It is easy to improve when you have someone to hold you accountable and help you through the lows.
• I need to prioritize fitness, like eating, breathing, and sleeping.
• I need variety, as overworking the same muscles constantly is a prescription for injuries.  I don’t heal like we did when I was 25.
• I need to accept that it will take longer to build muscle and lose body fat. Those who know me know I am not patient. 

I need to break out of this slump. I may seek help as I continue to struggle alone. After 50, I’m tired and unsure if I want to work hard, even with the benefits.

This was easier when I had a good friend. We helped each other. I lost one friend through marriage, and another great friend died in 2006. I haven’t recovered from that loss. I still need more motivation and purpose. I hope my search for success is fruitful. I know it will appear if I search long enough!

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Old Friend

I had a heart-to-heart with an old friend today. He’s been wearing a lot since his 17-year-old son committed suicide last summer. I could tell he still deals with the pain daily. He said it’s a painful way to live, waking up, going to work, and going to bed. I’ve been troubled by those who have taken their own lives. This is heavy on my mind as I met old friends again last week, and another increase in the number of people I know who have experienced a loved one ending their own life.

He pushed the suicide subject into our conversation, searching for an answer. He talked a lot about his son. One statement confused me: “Why is it when you have nothing to live for, you have so much inner strength, but when you have everything to live for, you want to die?” I spent a lot of time thinking about it.

I understand his meaning. I recall the time when I was struggling financially and needed to support my family. I worked, cared for my child, and slept between activities. I never felt lonely or underappreciated. My life is different now, with few responsibilities and no money issues. Yet, I feel a void with a lack of purpose. If that’s what he means, I understand.

On a positive note, my girlfriend, who had to euthanize her beloved dog in November, has decided to adopt a new puppy—a purebred Golden Retriever from Rolling Oaks Goldens. We visited the breeder today in preparation for the puppy’s pickup on April 17. 

Pictures below:

 

Besides seeing the adorable puppies, I also met a truly inspiring woman—a mother! She’s had her ups and downs, but she always keeps a positive attitude. She even wrote a book! It’s a two-part story about her life, touching on the tough times of tragedy, the wonderful joys of love and family, how her faith grew stronger, and how all of that prepared her for the incredible gift of Amy, her youngest daughter, who has Down syndrome. The book is intended to offer hope to mothers, families, and friends of individuals with special needs. It has a Christian perspective throughout. It’s called “Chosen For This Gift: My Story of Hope, Survival and Raising a Child with Special Needs.” I think it’s a book you should definitely read. It’s so heartfelt, and you’ll definitely feel her pain and unique way of finding joy, even when it feels like giving up is the only option.

I’m really hoping to get a copy signed by my friend. In these confusing times, anything like this should help, even if there aren’t any answers for suicide anywhere.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Bike ride, another death and children

The weather has improved. I cycled to work four days and could have done so a few more, although the wind exceeded 20 MPH, prompting me to drive. The weather forecast for next week is favorable. For Christmas, I received BarMitts for my road bike. I found them particularly useful in the morning, as they allowed me to ride with fingerless gloves. The gloves provided exceptional warmth to my body, excluding the obvious area, the crotch. However, I wish they were easily removable for the return journey when they are no longer required.

The past few weeks have been challenging. Last week, I left a meeting and was informed that my co-worker had abruptly left due to the unexpected passing of her brother. Subsequently, I learned that my boss’s father has been diagnosed with cancer and is battling for his life. On April 1st, I was informed that a close friend’s son had tragically passed away. I was deeply offended by what I initially perceived as a cruel April Fools’ joke. However, upon further investigation, I discovered that it was indeed true and not an accident. I will never comprehend the circumstances that led to this.

On Thursday, while walking for lunch with a 56-year-old friend who I had known to be experiencing a profound state of depression, I was surprised to learn about her personal struggles with her daughter. Despite the recent losses we had endured, including several suicides and unexpected accidental deaths, I had not anticipated such difficulties.

After a brief conversation, she confided in me about her concerns. I was taken aback, as I was aware of her daughter’s actions and had not anticipated any issues.

Recognizing the need for her to express herself, we decided to stop walking and sit on a park bench adjacent to the creek. As I had no afternoon meeting, I was prepared for a lengthy lunch break and worked overtime to compensate for the lost time.

She began to share the challenges she faced with her daughter. To provide some context, I have known her daughter for 18 years. She raised her as a single mother after her father abandoned them when she was approximately one year old. I have witnessed her unwavering dedication, working multiple jobs and displaying vulnerability during difficult times when her daughter began to stay with her. Despite her efforts, she was unable to fully resolve the situation, which had a significant impact on her relationship and overall well-being. She has been a constant presence in her daughter’s life, attending all of her considerable events. She ensured that her daughter pursued higher education and achieved success. After college, her daughter relocated to New Mexico to secure a promising job opportunity. She would travel to visit her daughter approximately five to six times annually, and her daughter would return home a few times.

I reminded her that she was raised financially independently as a single parent, a strong and independent woman. I reminded her that she should be proud of how her difficult few decades of life may have sapped her energy, but she has an independent and successful child. I reminded her that she did this without child support or public assistance.

She’s very proud! Two years ago, her daughter found her father. Since then, she’s worked hard to build a relationship with him. He was married to a stepdaughter and successful, traveling often. Unlike her friend, he was fun and didn’t get worn out by years of hard work.

Recently, her friend planned an Easter trip to see her daughter. Her daughter asked her not to come, saying she’s been seeing her less and less. She only texts occasionally and answers fewer than half the calls. They used to speak every three days, but now it’s a week or more.

In early February, when she visited, their ex, who was deadbeat, called. Her daughter excused herself and talked to her father for about 40 minutes. She was mad, and they argued, which made things worse.

She began to weep, expressing her exhaustion from dedicating so much energy to raising her daughter. She felt it was unjust for her daughter to dismiss her for something novel and enjoyable. She perceived her daughter as selfish and lacking respect and care for all she had sacrificed. At that moment, I believed she was contemplating suicide and was uncertain of how to respond.

I informed her that individuals are peculiar, and emotions are even more intricate. I reminded her that she no longer possesses control, and they are distinct because individuals in their twenties tend to seek novelty and excitement, rather than routine and predictability. I reminded her that children are no different from other people, often exhibiting selfishness and a lack of understanding, just as we did at that age. I suggested that she seek professional assistance to comprehend what she perceives as losing a child; only hers is still alive. This is unlike the situation of my close friend, whose 19-year-old son tragically took his own life on March 31.

I was at a loss for words, which is not typical for a person like myself who is strongly opinionated. I attempted to convey that children are free-spirited souls who are now experiencing fatigue, similar to us.

I informed her of my son’s request to fly to the West Coast for a weekend getaway from April 30th to May 2nd, which coincided with his birthday. I wanted to explore travel options and escape my overwhelming 60-hour workweeks. I expressed my exhaustion and need for a change.

I secured a flight to Portland and tried to contact him, but he remained unresponsive. He reached out during a meeting, but our conversation was cut short. The next day, I received a call about his alternative plans.

I had already scheduled the time off and bought the ticket, but I felt a sense of regret. I recognized that I lacked control. My son’s behavior is similar to mine in my twenties: he doesn’t care about others, has limited time for parenting, and wants to be independent.

Humans often regret after losing a loved one, but we tend to miss opportunities to be present when they are around. I recall a friend whose father committed suicide last year, and his absence is deeply felt. I often wonder how much he missed before his death.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!