Review images

Tonight, I spent time going through my photo library. I want to be very organized going into the 2015 photo season. I found a few that impressed and was pleased with the outcome. They are below.

Burlington, Vermont	Lake Superior near Duluth, Minnesota
Near Mount Evans, Colorado	Woodstock, Vermont

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

On the seventh day, even God rested.

This evening, I watched Robin Williams’s final film, “The Angriest Man in Brooklyn.” It profoundly impacted me in various ways, particularly given his untimely passing at the end of the film. It evoked memories of John Wayne succumbing to death in his final cinematic endeavor. However, one aspect that particularly resonated with me was the portrayal of the workaholic, irate individual by Robin Williams. I am aware that workaholics are often perceived as grumpy and unappealing individuals who are disregarded by others. Subsequently, I recalled my grandfather’s sentiments regarding my workaholic lifestyle.

On the seventh day, even God took a break.

As a workaholic, the concept of rest remains elusive. I typically log nearly 60-hour workweeks, only to return home to an abundance of additional tasks. There is always one more email to peruse, one more phone call to attend, and one more critically important trip to the office that cannot be postponed until Monday. Weekends, holidays, and family time? As the quintessential workaholic Ebenezer Scrooge famously declared, “Bah, humbug!”

I rarely go on vacation without my laptop or electronic access. I answer emails at all hours and expect voicemail when I return phone calls. At 2:00 AM, I was at the office returning a call when an architect with a home office answered. We discussed the questions. I struggle with evening and weekend work. It’s ingrained in me, like a daily health club visit. Missing a day feels awful. I check emails on my phone while waiting in line, during my date’s bathroom break, and after each commercial break. It’s worsened by the constant need to be busy.

It is remarkably easy to satisfy my cravings with cell phones, pads, laptops, and Wi-Fi, which ensure that work need never be out of reach. However, blaming technology for my workaholism is akin to blaming the supermarket for food addiction or the corner liquor store for alcoholism. The preoccupation with work is the core of workaholism.

Workaholism is remarkably similar to alcoholism. Just as an alcoholic will hide bottles around the house and drink furtively, workaholics attempt to sneak into work when they believe no one is looking. Some clear signs of my issue include my difficulty delegating work, neglecting other aspects of my life, and incorporating different aspects of life into work by attempting to turn a hobby into a business.

While I recognize that I should be the ideal employee—one who arrives early, stays late, does not take vacations, and takes on an excessive amount of work—more often than not, I fail to handle the job effectively and become disorganized. I fail to recognize that I need the time off to recharge when my work performance is affected.

I am apprehensive about taking vacations due to the apprehension that, given the ongoing downsizing and economic challenges, I may not secure employment upon my return.

I am fully cognizant that workaholism has adverse health consequences, including significantly elevated work-related stress and job burnout rates, anger, depression, anxiety, and psychosomatic symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches. This past month, my stomach has been more painful than at any time I can recall in my life. I experience heart palpitations and sudden racing of the heart. Despite these symptoms, I am in a state of deep denial.

How can I cease this cycle? I am unable to quit my job or make drastic changes abruptly. Some suggest seeking information, but this approach perpetuates the cycle. I can read about reducing work by adding more work. I can add to my already hectic schedule to alleviate my workload.

Without addressing the underlying issues, the problems will only worsen. However, it is often the case that things deteriorate before they improve.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Wow, that was wind and mind games

In March 2015, despite the challenging weather conditions of the previous year, I embarked on a cycling journey. This week, I cycled to the office for three of my five trips, covering a distance of 18 miles each way. The arduous nature of these rides necessitated a significant level of physical fitness.

The wind conditions further exacerbated the challenges, with gusts exceeding 10 to 15 mph on several days.

Interestingly, during these solitary rides, my mind often wanders, revisiting past experiences. I recall a friend who shared that he frequently relived powerful childhood memories while running. This week, I found myself revisiting several past relationship experiences that had left a profound impact on me. While they may not be universally considered horrors, they were certainly moments of significant emotional upheaval.

One particularly vivid memory involves a relationship I had with a woman for approximately two years. At the time, I believed we were an ideal match. However, I questioned whether I truly comprehended the concept of perfect compatibility. One day, unexpectedly, she informed me that she no longer wished to maintain our relationship. This revelation deeply saddened me. We had engaged in extensive discussions about the possibility of a lifelong partnership just weeks prior. Although the topic of marriage was never explicitly mentioned, there were subtle insinuations that we had contemplated a long-term commitment. In an instant, our relationship came to an end.

Approximately six weeks after the incident, I continued with my life, attempting to put the situation behind me. However, one day, I received a message on the code-a-phone (if you recall that device). The sender expressed her feelings, stating that it was inappropriate for me to leave and that I should contact her. Overwhelmed with excitement, I rushed to a local jewelry store and purchased a ring.

Upon arriving at her workplace, Ember’s restaurant, I presented her with the ring. To my surprise, she appeared visibly upset. I explained that her voice message had instructed me to call her. This revelation elicited laughter from her, causing me to feel embarrassed.

Later, I discovered that she had intended to contact me and wanted to confirm our continued friendship. I was deeply distressed by the events that transpired. Consequently, we ceased to communicate regularly. I chose to distance myself from him, or instead, I was overcome with shame and embarrassment, making it difficult for me to seek him out again.

During a recent bicycle ride to work, I experienced a significant recurrence of the events that transpired on that day. As I pedaled, I reflected on the positive outcome of the situation. When confronted with negative experiences, I tend to be excessively critical of myself and engage in self-deprecating thoughts. While there have been instances of nightmares that I regret, there are still others that I wish I could erase.

Do any of you understand what I mean as we reminisce about our pasts? Every time I think about it, I find more and more blessings in things that I thought were the most devastating events in my life. I only wish that I could come to peace with everything before I finally reach the end of my life.

My ride to work this morning was uneventful. It was slightly colder than I had anticipated, but easier than it was last week. I feel stronger. This was only the fifth ride of the year and the fourth work commute of 2015. Based on the forecast, this may be the last day for a while. The cold weather is returning. What is concerning is that it is often well below 30 degrees Fahrenheit in the morning, and I find it difficult to breathe in the colder weather. I will need to consult a physician as my shortness of breath is not improving.

After a productive day at the office, I packed up my bicycle and set off home. Upon reaching the outdoors, I was immediately struck by a profound sense of apprehension. The wind speed exceeded 20 miles per hour, with gusts reaching over 30 miles per hour. I would only have a limited portion of my 9-mile journey facing the wind or a side wind. During my commute home, I encounter a 1.5-mile downhill segment where I typically achieve a top speed of over 30 miles per hour. However, today, despite my efforts, I was unable to exceed 12 miles per hour. This demonstrates the severity of the wind on that particular downhill segment, which was directly in the wind's path.

Although I may have portrayed this situation as dire, it was indeed a challenging one. While successful rides like these can uplift the spirit, I experienced emotional improvement after showering and resting for the night. Nothing can effectively alleviate negative thoughts and depressive feelings like overcoming a significant challenge. Although this may not be comparable to reaching the summit of Mount Everest, for me, it represented an important milestone in my current physical condition. Gradual progress and self-reward are beneficial practices.

In the realm of photography, with the improved weather conditions, I am eager to engage in my photography endeavors. I recently acquired a new tripod (I desired a taller height to maintain a straight posture). After extensive research, I ultimately selected the Oben CT-3561 tripod, which received recommendations from several individuals. I purchased it through a link provided on the reviewer’s website. Although the cost of $360 was substantial, I am confident that it will be a worthwhile investment. I am still investigating whether reviewers receive compensation for their reviews, but the review was comprehensive and persuasive in my decision-making process.

Additionally, I decided to purchase the Tamron 150-600 lens. This full-frame lens completes my lens collection. While I would have preferred a lower aperture (F5-6.3), the cost was prohibitive. I am eagerly anticipating the opportunity to utilize the extended reach of this lens. I will share some of my work once I have achieved satisfactory results.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Invited only?

Recently reading numerous blogs that I cherished over the years, I encountered the following message repeatedly:

This blog is open to invited readers only.

http://????????.blogspot.com/

It looks like you have yet to be invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, contact the blog author and request an invitation.

The following are the results of four of my regular blog posts. I am contemplating whether to send a message to the author. Although blog comments were the sole means of communication in two instances, I do not have an email address or phone number. I value privacy, but I was taken aback unexpectedly. Consequently, I will not be offended and proceed to other blogs.

I would appreciate any recommendations for enjoyable blogs from individuals I have encountered or will encounter in the future. Additionally, I am seeking reputable local photography blogs, as this is my most recent hobby. I previously enjoyed a boutique blog dedicated to all things Minnesota photography, but it ceased operations last fall. I appreciate Capture Minnesota, but it primarily consists of photographs rather than a blog. I would like to see stories about the pictures, including the techniques employed.

My photography has been an educational experience. I initially enjoyed it during my graduate studies, but I required additional time and financial resources to develop my skills further. Currently, I possess the necessary funds, but I still need more time. I must maintain a healthy work-life balance. For instance, I averaged 53 hours of work per week this year, compared to over 60 hours last year. This figure includes actual hours worked, regardless of whether I was present in the office on those days, as I was not in the office on holidays and vacation time.

My most recent significant endeavor was a trip to Vermont in October 2014. I have included two photographs from that trip that I found particularly pleasing.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

What am I becoming?

I frequently commute to work by bicycle. It is an effective way to start the day, even when the one-way distance is 18 miles. However, as I age, it becomes increasingly challenging. We anticipate favorable riding weather soon, and I intend to resume my morning ride and return at night. I hope that I do not succumb to irritability and abandon this activity. What constitutes a grumpy old man?

Last year, while cycling to work, I encountered a 65-year-old or older individual who appeared out of shape and despondent. He approached me and exclaimed, “Hey!” Upon turning, he continued, “Please keep your bicycle on the sidewalk!” Notably, there was no sidewalk in that location. Despite this, he closely followed my reduced pace and honked his horn in anger as I rode along the street.

My experience exemplified a variation of the classic Grumpy Old Man stereotype. I immediately recognized him as the quintessential “Guy Who Is Irritated by Everything” group member.

As I continued my bicycle ride, I encountered a sidewalk. I proceeded onto the sidewalk and came to a halt. At that moment, the individual who was honking abruptly ceased honking and accelerated away. I resumed my journey on the street and rode peacefully for the remainder of the distance. I silently resolved never to allow myself to become a “Grumpy Old Man.” However, to maintain this resolution, I needed to investigate the reasons behind why men aged 50 and above develop a disposition akin to Oscar the Grouch. The more I contemplated this, the more I recognized that it is comprehensible—and indeed, terrifyingly comprehensible—why men of my age begin to exhibit a sour demeanor.

The most apparent reason for this phenomenon is that at this stage of life, we encounter a heightened number of issues that induce self-induced irritation. The primary reason lies in the fact that we have spent our lives taking pride in certain aspects of our physical abilities. Some individuals boast about their bench-press strength, while others boast about their running speed, agility, or the ability to consume an excessive quantity of hot dogs in a single sitting. Regardless of their past accomplishments, the underlying principle remains the same: their abilities have diminished.

After reaching the age of 50, I experienced a series of aches, pains, syndromes, and indignities. My prostate gland became active, while my once robust stomach became delicate. I have significant difficulty sleeping, a fact that is constantly reminded to me by the numerous pharmaceutical advertisements. Daily, these advertisements promote the message about my impending acid reflux, joint pain, erectile dysfunction, frequent urination, and other related conditions. It is imperative to consider this information.

Over the past decade, I have witnessed significant transformations in my family and professional life. My identity had been intricately intertwined with my child, my daytime employment, and my part-time officiating duties for several decades. However, the departure of my child from home and the subsequent challenges I faced in my career have left me questioning the state of my life.

The most pressing concern is the rapid and often detrimental changes occurring in the world around me, which frequently fall short of my high standards. As I age, I find myself increasingly drawn to “The World These Days” and perceiving it as hopelessly flawed.

I harbor concerns about the direction of the government, the excessive burden of taxes, the lack of respect exhibited by children, the prevalence of performance-enhancing drugs among athletes, the excessive reliance on Twitter, the frequent malfunctions of computers, the constant use of cell phones, and the decline of personal interaction, even with my girlfriend, as we resort to texting.

The mere contemplation of these issues has become increasingly frustrating. Given the overwhelming evidence of decline, it isn't easy to remain unaffected by a sense of grumpiness.

I have been advised to read “The Wonder of Aging: A New Approach to Embracing Life After Fifty.” This book examines the distinct aging processes of men and women, as well as the reasons behind the potential sourness in men’s demeanor. It suggests that testosterone may play a significant role in this phenomenon, as some believe the body may be deprived of this crucial chemical. However, the widespread use of testosterone supplements is not a straightforward solution, as nothing is simple.

In contrast, the underlying causes of my Grumpy Old Man syndrome lie in my emotional and psychological state. I experienced a divorce and lost a dear child during that time. My youngest child has grown up, while my oldest child is the one I have only spent approximately 300 hours with in his 35 years of life. Additionally, my girlfriend’s child is currently concerned about job loss in a robust economy. Many young individuals are burdened with substantial debt due to student loans and struggle to secure stable employment.

The most crucial aspect is to redirect my energy towards positive endeavors. Similar shifts may be necessary in my relationships, sexual life, and spiritual pursuits. Ultimately, I am left with a question: Is there anything inherently wrong with a grumpy old man instructing me to walk on the sidewalk? Perhaps he is concerned about my safety.

This illustrates the power of finding positivity, even in the face of arrogance and pomposity.

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Self-defecating behavior

Despite my significant accomplishments, I have also experienced numerous setbacks. My relationship with my child has deteriorated, likely due to my own shortcomings. I have failed in several romantic endeavors, and I believe this is directly related to my relentless pursuit of success, which may have clouded my judgment and led to a loss of perspective. I have been overly critical of myself for various reasons. As I mentioned months ago, I now experience regular chest pains, and the cardiac specialist has presented me with several options. Unfortunately, my condition has not improved, and I do not anticipate any major concerns if this persists. I must take immediate action to address this issue.

My successes have shaped my perception of what success means. Like many individuals, I aspire to achieve greatness and embody positive qualities. However, I question whether I truly comprehend the meaning of “Great” or “Good” in the context of one’s life. I once came across an article containing advice from Mark Twain for leading a fulfilling life. The article included the following tips:

1. Approve yourself, as a man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
2. Your limitations may be in your mind, as age is often a matter of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. 
3. Lighten up and have fun, as humor is one of mankind's greatest blessings.  He also said that against the assault of laughter, nothing could stand.
4. Let go of anger, as anger is an acid that can harm the vessel in which it is stored more than anything on which it is poured.
5. Releasing yourself from entitlement means not saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing, as it was here first.
6. If you're taking a different path, prepare for reactions.
7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want.
8. Don't focus so much on making yourself feel good. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
9. Do what you want to do, as 20 years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did.

Regrettably, I did not recognize the significance of these insights during my twenties. I was convinced of my superior knowledge, which led to perceptions of arrogance and a lack of tact from others. Ironically, it was this arrogance and abruptness that proved instrumental in navigating the challenges of my tumultuous youth.

Why do we acquire a deeper understanding of life only when it is nearing its end? In retrospect, I wonder if my expectations were overly high. I am compelled to ponder whether I have compromised my worthiness for something less than what I truly deserve. Frequently, I set myself up for failure by exerting excessive effort in a manner that is not reciprocated by others. I aspired to numerous goals, yet I remained uncertain about whether I would find satisfaction with or without each one. I had innumerable aspirations, and most of them have been realized. However, I find myself at a juncture where I lack clear goals and am losing the motivation to improve myself. My weight has reached an all-time high, and my desire has plummeted to an all-time low.

When will I cease striving for more and appreciate what I possess? As a competitive individual, I am perpetually driven by a desire to excel, not necessarily to surpass others. During my last participation, I engaged in an internal struggle, constantly striving to surpass my previous achievements. I have become an overachiever who possesses everything I require, yet I fail to recognize this due to my relentless pursuit of self-improvement.

I must strive towards personal fulfillment, even if progress is not linear. I do not require constant improvement over previous achievements. This high-stress, self-defeating internal competition is detrimental to my well-being. While my experiences have instilled resilience and perseverance, they have also fostered negative traits such as stubbornness, pride, and excessive competitiveness. If I do not modify my behavior, it will ultimately lead to my downfall. I already perceive a growing sense of detachment and diminished appreciation from those around me, which is the most distressing aspect of this history. Despite my awareness of the consequences, I continue to follow the same path. The path is unhealthy, and I am uncertain of how to alter this self-destructive trajectory.

Wake up, Londell, WAKE UP!

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

wildknits

Londell, sounds as if you are reaching a crossroads in your life, and your body is sending some messages!  There have been some interesting studies done on the effects of childhood trauma on health. See the recent NPR series:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/03/02/377569413/can-family-secrets-make-you-sick. I consider myself fortunate in that I removed myself from my abusive family of origin during my teen years and was gifted to be assisted in my journey of healing by some caring adults during that time, and since.   It is an ongoing process and we each take our own path.  Tuesday, March 3, 2015 at 11:57:58 PM CST

Fat people and education

At an informal gathering, I participated in a discussion about a proposed sugar tax in New Zealand. The conversation centered on the taxation of food, government over-intervention, and ways to encourage healthier eating. Everyone felt a moral obligation to improve people’s eating habits. However, we agreed that food has varying levels of usefulness and nutritional value for each person and has no inherent moral value.

A repeated suggestion was to educate people about food and its origins, especially the poor. But wealthy investors want to continue using any means to increase the profits of their genetically modified foods, including slave labor and abuse. People already understand food. Let me give you an example.

As I drive to work each morning, I pass a Domino’s pizza franchise. The other day, I noticed a poster for a meat-lovers pizza in their window. The calorie count was twice the size of the price, taking up a third of the page. It’s more important to tell people how many calories are in a pizza than its price. Who thinks that anyone buying a meat-lover pizza is ignorant or cares about calories? You’re either buying it cheap to feed a hungry family, or you want a greasy pizza and care about calories. You could put the calories in a big, scary font with flames, and people would still buy it because they want it or have no other option.

I have a problem with educating people about food, primarily when it’s aimed at poor people, who are the biggest consumers of fast/processed food. Fast/processed food is cheap, and the attitude that poor people need to be educated about food is classism, usually coming from the wealthy.

A person from a lower socioeconomic background knows more about food and its value than any affluent person. As someone who has lived through poverty, I can tell you we know everything about the food we spend our little money on. I would spend more time looking at the price than the nutritional value. I wanted the most filling, calorie-loaded food that would last the longest for the least amount of money. Poor people aren’t ignorant; they’re poor. They don’t choose fast food because they don’t know any better; they prefer it because it’s cheap, easy, filling, and available.

Fat people are often misunderstood as ignorant about food. However, I’ve been educated about food since childhood and am now 52. I’ve spent decades calculating food facts due to dieting and disordered eating habits. I’m not alone in this experience. Fat people are the least ignorant about food’s nutritional information. Poor people are often the least aware of it, too.

To help people eat more nutritious food, we must make it affordable. A living wage for fast food workers would make healthy food as expensive as fast food. Imagine working a long day to cover expenses and having little time to shop for and prepare vegetables. You need something quick, hot, and filling, which is why fast food workers often work long hours.

Enough ranting. I’m concerned about the addictive chemicals in low-cost food that keep me coming back for more. Withdrawal symptoms are here!

All you quiet dreamers, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

SteveQ

Having been in a grocery store and thinking "I need more Vitamins A and D and I only have $3; I'll buy milk," I can attest that poverty makes one keenly aware of nutrition. Occasional junk food is about the only luxury the poor can afford.  Sunday, March 1, 2015 at 1:26:33 PM CST