I often feel betrayed by my body, which seems to break down, leaving me frustrated and bitter constantly. Unlike others, I don’t have Arthritis, an inflamed gall bladder with stones that require surgery, chronic migraines, chronic hives, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Whenever I get sick, it’s never trivial; a cold can develop into bronchitis, and hay fever can lead to a sinus infection. The fact is, I’ve undergone a significant amount of healing. I’ve consulted with counselors, physicians, osteopaths, hypnotherapists, and more. I’ve become more in tune and aware of my body in many ways.
When I embarked on the journey of healing my chronic pain, I was disheartened to hear the familiar “poor me, why me?” thought pattern resurface. As I lay down, feeling a wave of self-pity, an epiphany struck me. There’s a lesson I need to grasp. What is my body trying to convey?
I said, “Excuse me, body, I feel betrayed. You’re always sick, sad, or sore. What are you trying to tell me?” “I’m not betraying you, but I have needs too. I try to let you know, but you’re too busy with your mind. You get lost when you’re together, and sometimes I have to scream at you to hear me.” I thought of the nights I ignored my body’s need for sleep and sugar, causing throbbing headaches and dehydration. I also thought of punishing workouts that pushed me to the brink of thinness.
I spent years overthinking, over-planning, and overtraining, enduring it all. I often ignored my body until it broke down. I don’t suggest that lack of awareness or ill-treatment causes all sickness or pain. Sometimes, illness is random and no one’s fault. So, I focus on what I can do. Focusing gives me peace, grounding, and inspiration. But how do I focus when my mind races?
I forget that being a martyr and pushing myself to appear less weak is a recipe for disaster. I need to understand if it hurts or will hurt. I need to stop saying “I should” or “Screw it, I’m doing it anyway.” This is irrational control. I may need to stop trying to heal. It may sound unusual, but hear me out. “Healing” implies sickness, brokenness, and inadequacy. What if I treated my body with absolute kindness instead? What would that look like?
I think of the power of meditation, along with focus, and the need to stop healing. I don’t think there is a person alive who couldn’t benefit from the intense mental skills that come from meditation. This is doubly true for those of us experiencing chronic pain. I am encouraged to find a style of meditation/relaxation that works, but it seems out of reach!
Nourishing myself is crucial. When I feel unwell, I tend to eat sugary foods for comfort, but they leave me feeling empty and drained. Choosing nourishing foods helps me heal. I could improve by finding joy in everyday activities. Illness hinders simple pleasures, but humor and pleasure are healing. I need to surround myself with joy.
I know this, but I struggle to change my attitude during pain or illness. I’ll try, but it seems daunting. I want a day with less than 50% of my body in pain. Then, I might be motivated.
All you quiet dreamers, carry on!
Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.
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