Not a desirable start of 2017

Oh, New Year’s resolutions, huh? I only had one really important one and a few nice ones I’d like to achieve. Getting a good work-life balance was the most important thing for me. But guess what? I haven’t taken a single day off to kick off 2017! If it weren’t for my son’s accident, I’d only have had about 5 days off since November 1, 2016 (that includes holidays and weekends). My shortest workday of 2017 was today, only 5 hours! But that was because I couldn’t even function; I had a headache and needed to rest. I wanted to work out a little, but I was too exhausted. My average workweek for the first four weeks of 2017 is just under 70 hours each week. I’m hoping I can survive another 10 days, and things at work should settle down. I feel like I’m on the verge of burnout and totally in a fog. I don’t remember feeling this worried about my health and well-being!

It seems like the local press is all gloom and doom about January, but it’s been a bit of a blur for me. It’s dark when I get to work and home, and I wouldn’t even notice if the sun was hiding behind the clouds. I’m really starting to lose touch with reality. Everything feels like a fog, and I have to think twice about what day it is and what I should do next. I’ve been going for days without showering, and I have to think hard about what I eat. Even though I’m eating, I still haven’t lost any weight, so I’m convinced I’m overeating. Plus, I forget to drink, and dehydration can really mess with your body.

I know that burnout and stress can sometimes lead to heart problems, anxiety, and depression. For the past year, I’ve had moments where I thought I was having a heart attack. It started with a tingling sensation in my left arm, followed by a few sweats and a bit of shortness of breath. It usually happens when I’m stressed. When I try the four-square breathing method, the chest pain usually goes away. I also have a little issue when I’m working out, so one side of me thinks I’m fine, and the other side, well, let’s say it’s a bit more concerned!

Last week, I had another echocardiogram, and I’m waiting to hear the results tomorrow. The last time, I had a minor blockage, but it wasn’t a significant issue. Still, I’m hoping for more reassurance tomorrow. I’ll definitely get some sleep tonight! Additionally, I need to undergo some blood work because I’m unsure if my nutrition is adequate.

It’s also a time of unrest for America. I remember when President Obama was elected, there was a lot of violence, and I was really disturbed by that. Now, with President Trump in office, we’re seeing protests again. It’s peaceful and not too violent, like the far right after the Obama elections. I had fear both times. Not a fear of the President, but fear of the people who are so far left or right taking action. I fear this more recently as the general divide has increased, and only some are left in the middle, trying to make sense of it all.

I just saw a text today, and it hit me right in the feels—so spot on! I bet everyone in America has been through the same emotional ups and downs on Facebook. The person who sent it might just quit, but I think taking a break could be a great idea too. It feels like nothing good comes out of it anymore, with all the fake news and twisted opinions that I’d rather skip, instead of the info that really matters to me.

My son has made a remarkable recovery from his ski accident. He is scheduled to return to work tomorrow, which should alleviate the boredom he has been experiencing. Ironically, he will be returning to Peoria for work. I spent several years working in Peoria and still harbor mixed feelings about that period. It is a distinctive city.

On a somber note, I regret to report that another friend has taken their own life. This brings the total number of acquaintances who have ended their lives in the past few years to nearly twenty. It is important to note that these events are not specific to any particular gender or age group. The youngest female was fifteen years old, while the youngest male was sixteen years old. The oldest female was sixty-one, and the oldest male was sixty-four. 

These occurrences deeply disturb me. One common theme I perceive among these individuals is a profound sense of loss or the fear of losing something precious to them. The fifteen-year-old was being bullied, and the boy who showed interest reportedly ended their relationship because she did not engage in sexual activity. The boy had high expectations, and his girlfriend of a year abruptly and rudely ended their relationship. In the older adults, the female discovered that her husband was having multiple affairs and subsequently left. She was in a state of financial distress. A man I knew lost his wife, and his children distanced themselves from him. The basketball player I mentioned in the previous post is another case where the reason for their suicide remains unknown. I find it difficult to cope with uncertainty.

In light of historical data, I empathize with individuals who succumbed prematurely. Furthermore, as one ages, the pursuit of altruism and personal growth becomes more arduous, often accompanied by a sense of failure. Over the past few years, I have observed an increasing level of criticism from my loved ones. Despite these challenges, I remain perplexed by the ultimate precipitating factor that leads individuals to end their lives. This uncertainty is deeply unsettling.

Despite my aspirations for a positive 2017, I acknowledge that significant improvements are still necessary. In fact, only a few months into the year, the situation has deteriorated. I am expending considerable mental energy to maintain my physical well-being. I recognize the urgency of taking decisive action to avert a potential collapse. However, this entails neglecting the responsibilities of those who depend on me and neglecting my professional duties. This realization is particularly challenging to accept and could lead to a catastrophic outcome. I sincerely wish for my well-being tomorrow.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Another year

It has been a while since my last update. Christmas arrived and departed swiftly this year. I received several thoughtful gifts, which were greatly appreciated. My son gifted me the Hue starter kit, and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I can control the lighting remotely using my smartphone or smartwatch. Additionally, my girlfriend’s son-in-law purchased an Amazon Echo for me, which is anticipated to arrive near the end of September.

I also received a homebrew kit for making root beer. I have prepared two batches, and they were satisfactory. The process is more straightforward than I anticipated, but it still requires significant effort and patience. I have identified a supplier for sarsaparilla root and sassafras bark. However, finding wintergreen flavoring proved to be a formidable challenge, but I ultimately succeeded.

Following the holidays, I made an effort to regain control of my life, particularly my health. This was not solely focused on work-related matters, as that has been the primary aspect of my life for the past few years. While this has been a challenging endeavor, I persevered for my own well-being. Life is unpredictable.

In contrast, my average workweek in 2016 was just under 50 hours. Now, the total hours worked are divided by 52, which includes holidays and vacations. I also did not achieve my goal of 100 days off, which includes weekends. My 2017 goal is to average closer to 45 hours per week (or less) and have over 100 days off. Again, the total hours are divided by 52, which includes weekends and vacation time. Things are just hectic!

As many are aware, I tend to be prone to excessive worry. I acknowledge that this is a problem; sometimes, one must accept and live with it. Although it was a good year, the holiday season was challenging. In early December, my son had an accident and broke his knee. It was undoubtedly an unusual accident, but it was particularly gruesome. The most disturbing aspect, to me, was that he did not tear the ACL, but the ACL ripped a portion of the femur out and separated from the femur. Consequently, I had the opportunity to travel to help care for him, and upon my return, I began a small workout routine. The first two weeks were promising, but then things took a turn for the worse.

I experienced severe left foot pain, worse than any I’ve ever had. I considered it a Fifth Metatarsal Fracture, as I had one in the right foot a decade ago, but it feels like personal tendonitis. The pain extends from the ankle to the bone, consistent with an overuse injury. I blame improper training, rapid increases in training volume, and poor footwear. Now, I limp like an old man, unappreciative of the past and future.

Adjusting to my dog ruling the house is also challenging. If I get up at night to use the bathroom, I return to find him sprawled on half the bed. Moving the 50-pound goofball is tiring, and by the time I return to bed, I can’t sleep.

I also went for some photography. My girlfriend bought an excellent sled for her granddaughter, so we headed to the hill on a cold day. Here are some pictures. Note the sled and the cardboard for the adults.

In somber news, I was saddened to learn that another friend committed (or they assume) suicide last month. He was a father of two grown children who had worked diligently to provide for their family. He was able to witness his children achieve their undergraduate degrees, which brought him immense joy. Life appeared to be in good order for him. He, like me, was deeply engrossed in his job. We had discussed his apprehension about losing everything. He felt that he was losing his children, who rarely contacted him due to their demanding schedules.

I understand that his wife requested a divorce, which may have contributed to his tragic decision. However, I am uncertain about the exact circumstances. The funeral took place last Friday, and it was a somber and perplexing day. Today, I read about a 19-year-old Northwestern basketball player (female) who allegedly committed suicide. I will never fully comprehend the reasons behind such a tragic event, yet I occasionally find myself contemplating the possibility of understanding. This situation bears many similarities to aspects of life.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Mercy me, mercy me it's that busy disease

I recently met a friend who expressed her overwhelming workload. She worked over 50 hours a week, had minimal time off, and even spent weekends in the office. I felt fortunate to have 81 days off this year, including weekends and holidays. She had less than 70 days off, including weekends. Despite our different situations, we both looked exhausted and left.

Later, I met another friend who shared his wife’s infidelity and divorce. She sought full custody and substantial spousal support. He took a second job to pay legal fees and preserve their child’s future. His tone echoed the friend’s earlier struggle, expressing his own busyness and lack of time and money. The tone I hear (and often use) is one of exhaustion, tiredness, and overwhelm.

This is a sad state of adult life. A coworker tried to get another coworker to join them for an outing with the kids. They scrolled their phones and finally screened the kids, who had an hour open in two weeks. They set the date, saying it’s hard because the child has swimming, gymnastics, piano, and voice lessons. I learned that destructive habits start early. I spend time thinking about myself, wondering how I ended up living like this and why I work until I can’t function, only to sleep and start again. I forget I’m a human being, not a human doing.

I never learned to sit with my loved ones and have meaningful conversations about our hearts and souls. Are these conversations slow, with pregnant pauses and silences that we don’t rush to fill? How have I created a world where I have more to do with less time for leisure, reflection, community, and simply being?

Busyness, a common yet spiritually destructive disease, saps my ability to be present with loved ones and form meaningful communities. Despite technological advancements since the 1970s, I have less leisure time today. The blurred lines between work and home, exacerbated by the constant use of smartphones and laptops, further aggravate this issue.

I struggle with the overwhelming volume of emails. After taking five days off work to avoid burnout, I returned to over 400 emails and 30 voicemails, some of which were repeated with anger due to the delay in my absence. Despite using techniques like only responding in the evenings, not responding over weekends, and asking people to schedule more face-to-face time, the emails continue to flood in. People expect immediate responses, and I, too, am busy.

The reality differs for others, like my sister. Working two low-paying jobs is the only way to support the family. Over 20% of children live in poverty, and many parents work minimum wage jobs just to provide for their families. We’re all overwhelmed. I’m worn out. I remember I’m human, not just a machine checking off tasks. I need a different relationship with technology. I want a meaningful life, a sense of community, and a balanced existence. It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones. I want to be truly human. 

WB Yeats wrote: “It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.” How can I examine my soul when I’m busy? How can I live an examined life? I’ve always been hopeful, but I wonder if I’ll have the conversations to do and live like that. I need a different organizing model in my life, in society, in my family, and in my community.

But my recently encountered friends and my co-worker’s children have no clue how.  Neither do I!

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Holy Shit!!!

Regrettably, I have reached a weight of 317 pounds. In 2006, I reached a peak weight of 301 pounds, which I considered quite significant. I successfully lost 90 pounds and experienced a remarkable improvement in my overall well-being. However, health complications, including the use of Prednisone, Levaquin, and a primary urge, led to a decline in my weight. Three years ago, I was only 250 pounds.

Since beginning my blog, I have engaged in more sedentary activities, such as writing stories, editing videos, and performing my daily job duties. This has increased my sitting time.

Furthermore, I have reduced my cooking at home and increased my reliance on local restaurants for dinner. Life is complex, and it is not always possible to prioritize everything at all times. I recognize the importance of adopting healthier eating and exercise habits. I intend to track my weight daily and share my progress. Will my weight continue to deteriorate, improve, or remain stable?

Carry on my friends!

Preganant Zone (Prednisone)

Prednisone, a synthetic corticosteroid medication, is employed to address a diverse range of medical conditions. During my treatment period from 2009 to 2013, I utilized Prednisone to manage various infections. Notably, I experienced fluid accumulation within the brain and ocular inflammation.

In essence, prednisone mimics the body’s natural hormones, which are produced by the adrenal glands. When administered in substantial doses, Prednisone effectively suppresses inflammation. Additionally, it is commonly referred to as the “pregnant zone” due to its significant impact on weight gain.

After discontinuing Prednisone for over two years, I have observed a gradual return to normalcy.

The withdrawal process I experienced indicates that my body and brain developed a dependency on Prednisone for daily functioning. Although I was not prescribed a high dose, the dosage was between 30 and 40 mg per day.

When I discontinued Prednisone abruptly, I experienced significant withdrawal symptoms. It is widely understood that the body requires time to resume its natural production of cortisol. Cortisol stimulates gluconeogenesis (glucose formation), activating antistress and anti-inflammatory pathways. For several years, I have experienced significant inflammatory issues, which I believe may have been a significant contributing factor. Additionally, I have several other issues that I suspect are related to Prednisone withdrawal, including:

• Weight gain is the most dreaded side effect of steroid use. In addition to causing weight gain, Prednisone induces a redistribution of body fat to undesirable areas, particularly the face, back of the neck, and abdomen. I have never been heavier than when I was on or coming off Prednisone!
• My recent history of intense abdominal pain is a common withdrawal symptom. The pain when I stopped taking Prednisone was debilitating at times. Now, it is just a little pain, occasionally.
• I often felt depressed! My anxiety level was sky-high. My son was driven nuts by my anxiety, yet I could never tell him of the issues I was having. It is my problem, not his.
• The worst has been severe body aches. I felt, at times, I was unable to move.
• As part of three withdrawals, I would have dizziness at a life-impacting level.
• The most pressing issue was fatigue. I am expected to deal with extreme fatigue and low energy levels, as I no longer have adequate amounts of cortisol to provide the body with energy.
• Although I do not currently experience headaches, I have had instances in the past few years where even a simple blink could cause significant discomfort.
• Additionally, I have experienced suicidal thoughts. While I never contemplated taking the final step, I would rush across a bridge as I contemplated leaping off the side. This was particularly distressing when I discontinued Prednisone use.
• Another frustrating issue was muscle weakness and a general sense of malaise.

Having extensively researched Prednisone withdrawal, I have observed that in certain instances, it can take up to 12 to 24 months for a complete recovery to occur and the body to return to its natural state of homeostasis. At the age of 28 months, I am cautiously optimistic that an end is in sight. I am hopeful that my assessment is accurate and that the situation will improve in 2017. However, only time will provide definitive answers.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

“That’s a modest way of bragging”

Today, I told a coworker that I’m proud to have averaged 6.7 work hours per day this year (47 hours per week, if I worked every day). I was happy it decreased from last year’s 7.9 hours per week (55 hours per week). I explained that it’s based on total hours worked divided by the number of days (365 days). So, yes, I worked 6.7 hours a day, every day, all year, but I wasn’t in the office for 53 days (including weekends). Over half of those days were two vacations and moving my son.

I was proud of improving my goal to return to a manageable work schedule. She said, “That’s modest bragging.” I felt terrible! I didn’t mean to brag. I was happy to reduce my working time, but I was still glad I took too much time off from the office. My goal is to reduce my work week hours to 42 or fewer per week. The average employee working Monday through Friday has 11 holidays and 10 vacation days, averaging 5.2 work hours per day, which totals 37 hours per week.

Our office staff consists of 8 professionals. At the peak of the economy in 2007, we had 11 staff members. During that period, we worked excessively to meet demand. Only the three non-union staff members, including me, receive overtime pay. The other five staff members work from 8:00 AM to 4:30 PM and pick up the slack. From 2005 to 2009, I exercised regularly and felt happier. Then the economy fell, and we were a staff of six. We built up to eight, but more are needed. 

I wish I could say, “You have to wait a week or a month,” but that’s the reputation of government. I can’t do that to people. A maternity leave staff member recently declined to return, leaving us with only 7 employees instead of the 11 we needed to complete our workload in 2007. However, finding good employees is now possible. I take personal responsibility and care about our team’s success. I meet people on nights and weekends to help them gain access to City Hall during regular working hours.

Raised this way, I work hard to keep us functioning. I usually arrive at work at 6:30 AM and stay until 7:00 PM during the week to return voicemails and emails. In September, I attempted to leave at 5:00 PM, but I was over 110 emails behind and spent 14 hours catching up over the weekend.

I’m figuring out how to keep this up, as my health is impacted. Stress is high, and I’m exhausted, finding it hard to walk, let alone work out. I’m trying to maintain my high customer service standards, but I either struggle with my beliefs or continue to do what I’m doing.

I admit I’m getting close to failing. I hate to fail, but things need to change. I’m considering changing careers, but I can retire in six years. But if this continues, I wonder if I’ll have much of a retirement. In the past decade, two friends retired and died within four years. It should be an easy decision, but I’m too tired, fat, and unhappy to make it now.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Why worry now

Baby, I see this world has made you sad

Some people can be bad

The things they do, the things they say

But baby, I’ll wipe away those bitter tears

I’ll chase away those restless fears

And turn your blue skies into gray

Why worry

There should be laughter after pain

There should be sunshine after rain

These things have always been the same

So why worry now

Why worry now

Why worry now

These words are from a Dire Straits song I really like. About worrying, that worthless emotion. The one that can make you ill!

Why is this matter significant to me today? It stems from an incident involving my son’s bicycle ride. He utilized his Garmin device to track his location. Still, unfortunately, it ceased monitoring at the exact location in Colorado where, last year, I was less than one minute behind a bicyclist who tragically lost his life on that very curve. The memory of that destroyed bicycle and the blood on the road still haunts me, causing me to experience recurring nightmares.

The situation caused me to experience anxiety, panic, and shortness of breath, accompanied by chest pains. I anxiously monitored the screen, hoping that the device would resume its function. The intensity of my worry was overwhelming. I promptly called my son to inquire about his well-being, and he responded with anger, instructing me to contact him urgently. While the initial wave of worry subsided, allowing me to regain my composure, he remained visibly upset and angry.

In the midst of excessive worry, I experienced heightened anxiety to the extent of panic. I am susceptible to feelings of impending doom or unrealistic fears that exacerbate my concerns. I am highly attuned to my surroundings. Worry is an inherent human trait that affects each individual differently, with some experiencing it more intensely than others. I identify as a chronic worrier, as I tend to worry, particularly when an issue appears to have far-reaching consequences.

While I am aware that worrying will not alleviate my depression, there are instances when irrational worries can hinder rational thought. When I delve beneath the surface of worry and analyze the underlying reasons for this emotion, I discover justifiable explanations.

For instance, I envision the worst-case scenarios to ensure preparedness when they materialize. While I acknowledge the consensus among experts regarding the efficacy of positive thinking, there are instances when my mind conjures up worst-case scenarios and devises strategies to address them should they occur. This type of contemplation is not detrimental as long as I refrain from obsessing over potential outcomes due to my proactive approach of planning and preparing for the worst-case scenarios. Consequently, even if the worst-case scenario does not materialize, I am well-equipped to handle the situation effectively.

Conversely, if the worst-case scenario does not transpire, as I had anticipated, it serves as a cause for celebration. One aspect of my mind holds the belief that none of these scenarios will ever materialize if I meticulously consider every conceivable negative outcome. This is the reason why my worst-case scenarios often exhibit heightened sentiment and drama compared to actual life. If one envisions a scenario and it does not materialize, it is a sufficient reason to express gratitude and experience profound relief.

A significant aspect of my personality is my tendency to dwell on and regret past events. My family and friends often remark, “I told you so,” when my dire predictions prove accurate. Occasionally, I find myself unable to resist this inclination, as I am only human. Achieving complete freedom from worry would require the patience and acceptance of an ideal saint. While I allow myself to worry for a period over matters beyond my control, such as the passing of a close friend from cancer or the tragic death of another on a bicycle ride, I tend to express my distress through excessive worry and tears. This is primarily due to the profound sense of helplessness and the inherent nature of this incurable and morbid disease.

Despite the debilitating nature of worry, which depletes my resources, there are instances when I am overcome by fear despite my best efforts to maintain composure in the face of adversity. However, the distinguishing factor between positive individuals and those who succumb to a form of depression due to excessive worry lies in their ability to discern and adhere to appropriate boundaries.

Unfortunately, I am losing focus on this boundary, but I am hopeful that I will be able to maintain my composure.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

wildknits

Sorry to hear that worry (anxiety) seems to be getting the best of you!  I understand the desire to "plan for the worst". It can serve a purpose (one of the projects I worked on during my senior year of nursing school was disaster planning for my county in case of Avian influenza hit).   That said, it can be taken to the extreme and become overwhelming in day-to-day life.   Knowing your son was near a place where you witnessed a tragedy/experienced trauma is sure to be a trigger for anxiety.  I hope you are looking into working with someone to help you manage your anxiety, depression and stress. There is no reason to suffer through this stuff alone.   Saturday, October 1, 2016 at 7:48:41 PM CDT