Expectations

I was working out with a friend who felt like an outsider looking in. She said her husband was next to her, but there was a glass wall between them, except for infrequent intimacy. At her new job, she felt like an outsider. With her overachieving family, she felt left behind. With most workout friends, she felt less than adequate.

A consistent point was that she felt neglected. I asked her what they had done to make her feel that way. She said they don’t smile or say hello and are just there without any appreciation for her efforts. I explained that I understood what she meant because I had been there as well, and in some ways, I still am. I suggested she read “The Cost of Living,” a collection of stories between 1951 and 1971. http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781590173275. This book isn’t about women with perfect exteriors—their hair was styled perfectly, their manicures never chipped, their voices were soft and silky, and they never said the wrong thing. Instead, the author writes about draggled laces, sagging hems, and undone ribbons. Her stories about everyday women and heroines are about the awkward, the hopeless, the immature, and the ones on the outside of womanhood looking in, just like her and many others. I told her I didn’t think it would be a revelation, but it was a good read.

I will wait to hear any comments if she reads it.

This preconceived notion held that we possess a certain level of self-worth and a specific amount of resources before we expect to reap benefits from our efforts. It’s the expectation within us that often leads to disappointment. For instance, I set an unrealistic goal of completing a marathon in less than four hours, only to realize that I had exceeded the performance of over 99.6% of all humans, as revealed in a study conducted in 2007. While it’s commendable to celebrate such achievements, my expectations were the root cause of my disappointment.

This pattern repeats itself in my life. I set expectations, only to experience significant disappointments. My next 15-minute per-mile run or jog should be a joyous experience, simply because it’s a successful run. While I’m still doing more than the majority of the world, I’m not achieving anything compared to my friends.

Carry on my friends.

Comments from my original blog - I merged the blogs.

Steve

A very enlightening post, Londell. As a perfectionist, I, too, suffer this syndrome often. This past year, I've learned to 'let go' and try to just enjoy life and each experience for what it is. This has been particularly important being the parent of a five year-old and having to had to deal with an injury which prevented me from running as fast and long as I normally could. I still have a ways to go, but I'm making progress, which is the most important thing. Keep up the great posts. They always get me thinking. Happy Holidays!!  Sunday, December 12, 2010 at 7:46:27 PM CST

Beth

Interesting that the reasons she gave for her feelings were things that everyone else was doing. They needed to do all of the right things. I think "waking up" and feeling connected has more to do with how we behave and think and less to do with others. It may be safer to keep up the wall of glass.  Thanks for the thought-provoking post! Monday, December 13, 2010 at 9:38:10 PM CST