First time I succeeded

There was a report of increased activity for Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights).  I have tried a few times before, but failed each time. This time, I went out knowing the camera could see the colors before the eye could.  As I looked for a vibrant sky, I used my phone to preview the areas.  It was odd that the sky was so different in so many ways, yet only a few miles apart. I drove around for a few hours and took more than 100 photos, and only a dozen were great. A few of those are below.

Since my iron infusions in August, I’ve been struggling with sleep, severe stomach pain, and a general feeling of being unwell for several months. I had scheduled an appointment with a hematologist to better understand the anemia, but it was months away. I met with the Hematologist last week. He asked if I had any concerning symptoms. I let him know there are several anemia health issues I deal with daily, and it makes it very difficult to exercise. Therefore, the weight is stable but not losing any! I have the following isses daily:

• Fatigue and weakness: Feeling unusually tired, even after rest. 
• Shortness of breath often occurs, and inhalers do not help. I feel winded with light activity.
• Dizziness or lightheadedness - Anemia can affect blood flow to the brain, leading to these feelings. Twice in the last three months, I went totally blank and passed out. Luckily, I did not break anything or walk down the stairs when it happened. 
• My feet are always very cold!
• Chest pain
• Frequent infections
• Irritability
• Cravings for ice

He completed another blood test, and the numbers were well below the recommended minimums. Consequently, after receiving six infusions this year, he scheduled three more. That’s unfortunate! Since 2021, my iron levels have consistently been low.

• Iron 
• Has not been above 30 g/dL 
• 85% OF THE LOWEST & 16% OF THE HIGHEST RECOMMENDED LEVEL
• Normal is 35 to 180 g/dL
• Last week, the level was 20 g/dL - 57% or the lowest recommended level
• Iron Saturation
• Has not been above 8 percent 
• 40% OF THE LOWEST & 14% OF THE HIGHEST RECOMMENDED LEVEL
• Normal is 20 to 55 percent
• Last week, it was 6 percent - 30% or the lowest recommended level
• Hemoglobin
• Has not exceeded 13 g/dL
• 96% OF THE LOWEST & 74% OF THE HIGHEST RECOMMENDED LEVEL
• 13.5 to 17.5 g/dL is normal
• Last week, the level was 12.2 g/d\L - 90% or the lowest recommended level
• Ferritin
• Has not been above 20 ng/ml 
• 76% OF THE LOWEST & 19% OF THE HIGHEST RECOMMENDED LEVEL
• Normal is 26 to 388 ng/ml
• Last week, the level was 20 0 ng/ml - 76% or the lowest recommended level

The alarming numbers are concerning because I believed we had identified the cause of the anemia. However, we are back to square one. I am losing blood somewhere, but I can’t pinpoint the source. I suspect it’s the stomach, as it has been painful intermittently for the past few months. I’ve been following the diet, but there hasn’t been much change in the pattern.

Last week, I started using Chronometer diligently. After a week, I was surprised to find that I’m supposedly getting an average of 160% of the required iron from my diet. I was also surprised to see that I’m getting less than 40 percent of the suggested potassium and 80 percent of the recommended calcium. It will be interesting to see what a month of diligent use reveals.

I am really sick of this long-standing issue. I am pleased I retired at 6,1, as at this rate, not sure life will allow me to enjoy activities I prefer unless we get this anemia under control.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Letting go

During my retirement, numerous events have unfolded, some I have documented in writing, others remain undisclosed. My absence from my residence has been significant, with a notable recent period spanning from September 9th to November 9th.

One aspect of life that comes to mind more frequently in retirement is the importance of relationships. While my relationship with my youngest son remains stable, other relationships have consistently been strained. 

Getting acquainted - 1992

Although some may not be aware, I once served as the legal father of three children. I had adopted my daughter when I married my former spouse, but that adoption was annulled when she sought a divorce. Additionally, I have a son from my high school days. At birth, my father intervened and contested paternity. The trial concluded in a hung jury, and I never saw the child or his mother afterward, as she was getting married. She claimed that her soon-to-be husband was adopting him. Fast forward eight years, and I received a notice that his mother had been arrested and jailed. I was also informed that the adoption never took place.  

I proceeded to take parental responsibility. Unfortunately, his grades were very poor, and he was quite rebellious. While he stayed with his stepfather's parents, I pushed for visitation. When his mom was released, I went to introduce myself to him, and his mom pleaded that I let them be. I achieved seeing him for about 6 months on occasional weekends. After a few months, he said words that still haunt me today. He stated, “You are not a treat for me, jackass,” and left with his mom. I tried to provide discipline, teach respect, and instill the importance of education, but I failed, given the short time I had and his anger toward my efforts.

His mom again stated that they were following through with the adoption and requested that I stay out of their lives. I was finishing grad school and seeking employment, which led me to Peoria, Illinois, 1,100 miles away. So I lived my life and let them live there.

Five years later, I received orders from the State of North Dakota to pay child support. Her husband had left, and she had become reliant on welfare, which prompted the action. I was initially surprised to learn that he had been adopted a second time, which did not occur. I attempted to establish a relationship with him. Still, he was resistant to my fundamental beliefs that consistent effort in school and respect for others were essential for achieving what he desired, such as video games and money. Furthermore, I was approximately 1,100 miles away. Needless to say, that effort was short-lived before he instructed me to “get the hell away and never come back.”

After providing financial support and allowing the stepfather to raise him, I contemplated seeking custody to provide him with a stable environment. However, he cherished his sister and was apprehensive about separating them. I intervened and informed him that the surname he was using, his father’s, was not his legal name and had been changed to his birth name. This action made me an adversary to the rest of the family, perhaps a trait I have always possessed.

Several years later, he contacted me again, asking for $400 to buy a pickup truck. I inquired about his academic performance and indicated that I would consider his request upon receiving the report card. Unfortunately, I did not receive the report card, and I had not heard from him until his graduation. I attended his graduation ceremony and was, by definition, a third party to the situation. 

We tried to connect, but we were so far apart. He got a job at Valleyfair and was near me, but he had started smoking and other behaviors that resulted in my keeping a distance from my other two children. I was surprised to learn from others that he had been fired from Valley Fair and had returned to North Dakota. We always took five steps back with one step forward.

After several years, I received a call from him, informing me that he and his girlfriend had a baby boy who was gravely ill. They were residing in Minneapolis, and we arranged to meet for lunch. He explained that he was creating canvas advertisements for a billboard company. Despite his attempts to be respectful, his smoking habit persisted, which unfortunately did not last long. I invited him to stay in touch, but he offered only limited information.

I did not hear from him again until almost a decade later (2015, I believe), when he called me while I was out of town to say he was getting married on Friday. I was aware of his first marriage, which I was never made aware of, and it ended in divorce in 2008. He called three days before the wedding, and unfortunately, I was unable to attend. I assume he was disappointed. I did manage to meet him and his wife for lunch during my visit to the NDSU football game, but I later learned they were divorcing.

I did see him one more time when my father was in the hospital. For the first time, he seemed to be stable. He had taken over his son's care and held a good position at a reputable company. He stated we should stay in contact. I would send him birthday and Christmas gifts; he would call to update me, and then nothing!

Then, on July 5, 2021, I got a call from his mother that his son had passed away and the service would be on July 8. I was supposed to give a presentation in Chicago and attend a conference starting on the 8th. I quickly made changes and left to support him at the funeral. He seemed happy to see me, and the service was good. I had to fly out for the conference, so I said we should keep in contact. That did not happen.

I found out he was moving to Salem, Massachusetts, with his girlfriend in early 2023. He even drove through town for the move, but he didn’t mention the move, or he would be a few miles from my house! We could have had lunch together. It was a bit of a letdown that he didn’t try to reach out more. I kept sending him birthday and Christmas gifts, but I only heard from him when I asked a question, and then only half the time.

Then, in late spring 2024, I finally heard from him! He was getting married on July 18, 2024. I asked how long he had known the date, and he admitted he had forgotten to tell me. I was so committed, but I couldn’t make it! It was such a disappointment that he forgot to let me know about his wedding when he got engaged, didn’t tell me about my grandson’s passing, forgot to let me know he was moving, and so much more. 

I really wanted to get to know him for Christmas 2024, so I sent several emails, put together some old photos and mementos from his childhood, and tried to connect with him. Even though I kept trying, I only got back a couple of replies—one email and one text. After he wrote, “Let’s both make an effort to keep in touch more often. It’s something I want, and I hope you do too”, I sent a few more emails and texts, but he just disappeared!

Regrettably, I concluded that my efforts were futile and ceased all communication. Consequently, I have refrained from sending any gifts in 2025 and have allowed him to pursue his own life. If circumstances permit, I anticipate that he will contact me unexpectedly with significant news. How would I react after 30 years of being contacted only with substantial news or a financial need?

I do not intend to imply that I did everything correctly. I acknowledge that his mother has consistently provided support and that he prefers I allow him to be the primary source of information about life events. As parents, we are always expected to do our utmost. However, I can share my perspective on parenting. No one ever achieves perfection. I, for instance, did not. And now, for me, it may be too late. Nevertheless, I question whether I ever truly became his parent.

I hope that he is content with the decision not to maintain a relationship. It took me 30 years to come to terms with this realization. Life goes on, and we must live with our past decisions. They haunt me more as I age, but letting go is the healthiest option!

When I have difficult life events, I write songs.  It is an outlet, a way to express.  While drafting this post, I wrote the following lyrics about letting go.

The clock's hands are heavy

They drag through the air

Every tick, every tock 

Whispers life's not fair

My hope lost its shine

And the sun doesn’t care

[Chorus]

It’s time to let go

Let it all just slide

Time to let go 

Leave the pain outside

Time to let go 

Let the blues collide

The rain on my window

Sings a tired tune

My shadow’s been dancing

Each afternoon

But I’m done with this weight

In this hollow room

[Prechorus]

Release the chains

Break the strings

Break the ties

Let it go to the open skies

[Chorus]

It’s time to let go

Let it all just slide

Time to let go 

Leave the pain outside

Time to let go 

Let the blues collide

[Bridge]

I’ve been holding on to ghosts that fade

Building walls from the mistakes I made

But tonight I’m burning the barricade

[Chorus]

It’s time to let go

Let it all just slide

Time to let go 

Leave the pain outside

Time to let go 

Let the blues collide

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Off to Virginia

At 7:45 AM, we awoke and commenced packing. Packing proved challenging, and we had completed most of it by 9:30 AM. Shelley and I ventured to the grocery store for the first time to stock up on supplies for the days ahead. We returned by 11:00 AM and concluded our packing endeavors. At noon, we resumed our house-hunting expedition.

Several homes fell within the $2 million price range, but once again, they were excessively large and overpriced. However, we encountered a property we were particularly drawn to. It was situated at 1124 Destination Drive, Apex, NC. This was a four-bedroom, four-and-a-half-bathroom, 4,771-square-foot home priced at $2.17 million. The annual association dues amounted to $798, while the property taxes amounted to $1,512. Consequently, they would have approximately $2,300 per month allocated solely for taxes and insurance. I must emphasize the significant financial burden associated with this property. They operate within a different economic framework than I do.

By 3:00 PM, Shelley and I embarked on our journey towards Charlottesville, Virginia. We have secured a reservation at the Fairfield Inn and anticipate a mere 70-mile drive to Front Royal in the morning, where we will commence our scenic drive along the Skyline Drive. We arrived at the hotel at 6:45 PM, and I was prepared to retire for the evening. However, Shelley informed me that we had a reservation at the Mazah restaurant. This Mediterranean restaurant is not to my preference. Consequently, we set off, and I inquired about its whereabouts. To my dismay, Shelley told me she didn't know where it was. Therefore, I veered off course and had to navigate around obstacles to reach our destination. While I was reluctant to partake in the cuisine and endure the additional driving, Shelley made her desire abundantly clear.

We returned to the hotel by 8:30 PM, then settled in for some football before retiring for the night. I am experiencing a profound sense of exhaustion.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Let the trip begin

 Hey, guess what? My sister, Sheila, whisked Shelley away to the airport at 12:30 p.m. on Friday! She’s on a flight to Raleigh/Durham at 2:30 p.m. to catch up with me. I’ve been away for four weeks, part hanging out with my son and his fiancée. Shelley’s coming for a quick visit before we jet off on a two-week adventure to see the fall colors and visit the grandkids.

The flight was smooth sailing since the weather was cooperating. I was a bit worried earlier this week when a super-strong nor’easter hit the coast. The winds were blowing over 60 mph, and it rained like crazy. This might mess with the weekend, but hopefully, it’ll just be rain.

I picked her up from the airport, and we were back at Jordan’s place by 7:00 p.m. We warmed up some leftover soup and had grilled chicken on ciabatta buns. It was delicious, and Shelley hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so she was ravenous. We were all tired, so we went to bed early.

We woke up bright and early at 7:00 a.m., but Shelley didn’t sleep a wink. She mentioned that her mind is racing and messes with her sleep. Since the bed is a small queen, I practiced sleeping on my side, using only about 2 feet of the bed, so she could have some space. Within minutes, she was snoring, and I didn’t have my earplugs!

We had a light breakfast and then went for a bike ride. We also took a ride to the spot where Jordan proposed to Kira. They were out for a run with LuLu, and she thought the little pouch Jordan had was dog treats. She said it was totally unexpected and was super surprised.

When we got back from biking, we decided to head to Jean’s pumpkin patch before the football games. We snapped some pictures and enjoyed the beautiful setting. I even picked up some vanilla caramel almond/cashew butter. I’m crossing my fingers it’s as good as it sounds! On the way back home, we stopped at a few open houses. There were homes over $2.5 million and over 5,500 square feet, and that price didn’t faze Jordan and Kira. I was totally shocked. For that price, I thought the homes we saw were over the top, and I couldn’t imagine living there.

 

 

We got back, and I was cheering on NDSU as they totally crushed Illinois State 45-17! But, oh no, Shelley was having a tough time with Nebraska’s game against Maryland. It was a real letdown, but they managed to pull off a comeback, winning 34-31 in the end. There was this crazy delay of game penalty when the Huskers were trying to score on 4th and goal late in the game, forcing them to kick the field goal. The defense held Maryland at bay, and they scored a touchdown with just 40 seconds left to win the game!

We decided to grab some Fangs Chinese for dinner. It was okay, but not as good as I remembered! Bummer, because they used to be amazing. Being super tired, we went to bed early, hoping for a good night’s sleep.

It was average and not as I recalled!  Bummer, as they were good in the past.  Being tired, we again turned in early and hoped for a good sleep.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Dissappoinment, but a good time

Due to concerns about disturbing Jordan during the night, I had great difficulty sleeping. I am cautious and trying to avoid a potential reason for him to attribute any issues to my sleep disruptions. I awoke at 4:30 a.m. to use the restroom and stayed in bed quietly until 5:15 a.m., when I decided to go to the lobby. Breakfast was available at 6:00 a.m., and Jordan joined me at 6:15 a.m. He had previously planned to depart at approximately 6:45 a.m. and commence his cycling journey at 7:00 a.m.  

The plan is to transport him to the southern terminus of the Greenbriar Trail. The morning was characterized by fog and extremely low visibility, with instances where it dropped below 100 feet. The drive was also challenging due to the road’s narrowness, effectively reducing it to a single lane. This type of road is prevalent among secondary roads traversing the region.

Narrow Road

All set to ride!

 At 7:10 a.m., he commenced his ride. I would return to the hotel, finish packing, and meet him at mile 24.5, the Renick, West Virginia, trailhead. This trailhead was easy to spot, and I arrived about 40 minutes before his expected arrival. Upon his emergence from the fog, he appeared visibly fatigued. The fog and damp air rendered the gravel trail challenging to navigate. He replaced a water bottle, removed his arm warmers, and handed me the 360 camera. The fog caused persistent condensation on the lens, compromising its quality. Additionally, it would enable me to charge the camera until our next meeting point. I had planned to meet him at mile 29.6, the Horrock trailhead.

Pictures never depict fog correctly

Arriving in Renick, WV - 24 miles complete

 

The Horrock trailhead was only a few miles away, but the roads were very narrow and in poor condition. Aside from a steep downhill section, the road was gravel and had very deep potholes. It was challenging to maintain a speed of 10 MPH. Fortunately, I arrived with only a few minutes to spare. 

As the fog began to dissipate, he grabbed the camera and decided to have a snack before continuing his journey. He appeared fatigued, having averaged over 15 MPH, and the terrain was all slightly uphill. I would not see him again until 54 miles, in Marlington, West Virginia.

The drive to Marlington exceeded my expectations. I endeavored to be adequately prepared for his arrival. Upon my arrival, I found a half-marathon and a marathon underway on the trail. I was apprehensive the trail would be closed, but when I inquired with an official, she confirmed it was accessible. I rode back along the trail to rendezvous with Jordan. Approximately a mile down the trail, I encountered him, who told me he had found the half-marathoners, and most of them posed no significant challenge. However, a few headphone-wearing runners appeared oblivious to his approach.

Road to Horrock

The tunnel

 

The plan was for him to refuel in the car before we rode together to the end of the trail, about 25 miles away. We proceeded, and I could discern a slight incline. I exerted considerable effort to maintain his pace of 15-plus MPH. After about 8 miles, we came to a tunnel. I had my light off, so I did my best to see the ground and followed Jordan through. It was brief and went smoothly.

The cycling journey offered varied terrain, with alternating smooth and uneven gravel sections. Approximately 17 miles into the ride, we encountered a group of three bicyclists who appeared to be riding solely with their throttle. Their unawareness of our presence made it hard to pass them. Once we had passed them, they continued to follow us for the rest of the journey. This situation instilled a sense of unease within me. As we neared the end of the ride, I informed Jordan that I intended to turn back. I was relieved when the group of bicyclists passed me and departed. However, I later realized I was experiencing a water shortage, which raised serious concerns. I resolved to locate water sources on the return trip.

About eight miles into the return trip, I discovered water. With three miles remaining, Jordan suggested I proceed to prepare the aid so he could resume his ride promptly. Within seconds of taking off, I heard Jordan yell. As I turned around, I noticed his rear tire was deflated. Our concerns about insufficient fluid in the tubeless tire were well-founded. I swiftly returned to the car to retrieve the pump while Jordan continued walking. I was apprehensive as my battery was running low. Consequently, I promptly acquired the pump and his sandals and met him with two miles to go. While inflating the tire, I noticed the fluid level was insufficient. However, there was enough to let him ride for about three-quarters of a mile before the tire deflated again. We repeated this process until he reached the car.

Regrettably, he concluded his journey at 100.6 miles in 6 hours and 16 minutes, averaging 15.9 MPH. While I sympathized with his exhaustion, I was relieved we wouldn't have to drive home in the dark. Consequently, we packed up and embarked on our return journey. During this time, we made three stops to replenish the tire on the platform rack, as I was apprehensive about potential rim damage.

Jordan's ride topography

About halfway back, my fatigue and dry eyes had me seeing double, so Jordan took over. That was good, as I am not sure I would have made it! We arrived home at 7:45 p.m., exhausted. He needed to pack for work travel early tomorrow, so I unpacked and cleaned up the mess before calling it a night.

Today was a great experience with my son!  I will cherish these and hope that as he ages, he will cherish them as well.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Short Bicycle Excursion

On Saturday, October 4, I was up bright and early at 7:30 a.m. to prepare for a bike trip with Jordan! We’d originally planned a month-long ride, but he got extremely busy at work, so we had to reschedule it for a weekend. He was thinking of riding the entire 57 miles of the New River Trail on Saturday and then doing the out-and-back Greenbrier Trail on Sunday, which would total 156 miles.

I started packing as we’d planned to head out around 11:00 a.m. Jordan thought that he might need a bit more fluid in the tubeless rear tire, but he hadn’t ordered any yet. So, we figured everything as good as we could get and proceeded to head out to Galax, West Virginia.  After 20 minutes, Jordan was feeling peckish, so he decided to order a sandwich from the Jersey Mikes App. Since I had it on my phone, he ordered, and then I paid through the app.  As usual, I assume he will have these convenient reasons why I need to pay for this trip. We were glad we’d ordered ahead of time because when we arrived, there was a very long line! So, it was definitely the start of a great day!

The drive to Galax was uneventful, and by 2:10 p.m., Jordan was prepared to begin his journey. I proceeded to Draper, where I parked the vehicle and prepared to ride in reverse. However, the drive, payment for parking, and unloading the bicycle consumed a significant amount of time. Consequently, I was optimistic that I could cover at least 10 miles before meeting him.

 

 

At 3:30 PM, while traversing the New River Trail in a southerly direction, I encountered a momentary lapse in memory. After covering 1.8 miles, I hesitated to proceed without confirming that my vehicle was securely locked. Although this was a minor inconvenience, it serves as a reminder of the challenges that come with advancing age and the tendency to overlook simple tasks. We had laptops (his work and my MacBook Pro) and other valuable belongings that needed to be as secure as possible.  An inadvertently unlocked car would not achieve that goal. When I returned, it was locked, so I resumed my ride on the trail at 3:50 PM.

There were many picture opportunities, so I was now making great time! I met up with Jordan 7.5 miles out.  He was riding fast!  Even with the pedal assist, I had to work to keep up. However, I was tired from the almost 4 hours of driving. I was surprised as he said this would be an easy day to prepare for tomorrow. Once we returned to the car, he wanted to ride to the end and then ride back to Draper. I loaded my bike and prepared to leave as soon as he finished his ride, as we had a 2.5-hour drive to the hotel. 

I’d packed everything efficiently and figured I’d swing by the Draper Mercantile kitty-corner from the trailhead. I tried calling Jordan to let him know I’d be there instead of at the trailhead. But no luck, he didn’t pick up! So, I hung out near the trail. When I finally spotted him, I drove over to the Mercantile, and he followed me. When he got there, he immediately scolded me for calling when he was “riding my ass off on gravel.” I apologized, of course. He’s extremely critical and always seems to think his own needs are the most important, which is somewhat reminiscent of his mom. I’ll keep trying my best, but, like his mom, I feel like I’ll never measure up!

The drive to the hotel was hard as I was exhausted.  Jordan wanted to get a few things at Walmart, and since there was gas there, we would fill up the car. Once we arrived, he immediatly headed to Wal-Mart and left me to fill up with gas. So I will continue to pay for the trip.  Once I finished filling the car, I drove close to the entrance and waited. He texted me and said the tap-to-pay feature did not work.  He asked if I could bring my credit card in to pay. So I did, and he was frustrated that I was slow in getting into the store.

During our work trips, he utilized the accumulated travel points to secure hotel accommodations. Upon check-in, he prepared for the Greenbriar Trail excursion. I concurrently watched the North Dakota State versus Illinois State football game and took a refreshing swim during halftime. Jordan retired to bed at 10:00 PM, while I diligently worked on compiling images and videos in the adjacent room. Throughout this time, I indulged in pretzels, as my food intake since breakfast had consisted of an apple, nuts, and a protein drink. However, Jordan expressed his disappointment in my consumption of pretzels, prompting me to cease. Subsequently, I resolved to retire to bed, endeavoring to maintain a silent demeanor to facilitate his restful sleep. Upon donning the CPAP mask and activating the machine, he exclaimed, “What is that light illuminating the entire room?” Consequently, I promptly covered the screen to prevent another episode from occurring.

I am happy I did get to spend some quality time with him today. I will take the bad for these good times any day, as I know my opportunities are decreasing with age. And as for me paying for everything on accident or on purpose, I am financially stable, and he can get it now or when I die, it would be there anyway! 

Carry on my friends, carry on!