It feels like ages since I last posted!
I’ve been biking to work five times this year, which adds up to a whopping 180 miles! That’s pretty good, especially since we’re still a few months away from May. I’m even having a friendly race with a coworker. I’ve got a 36-mile round trip, and he’s got 24. We’re trying to see who can rack up more miles this year. Of course, I’m much younger than him, so I should get a head start, but I’m going to go all out and race him straight on!
I also managed to snap some photos a few weeks back. Additionally, I was in Golden, Colorado, helping my son settle into his new place. Here are a few pictures for you!
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A friend recently turned 50 and asked me how I’d feel if my grown child pointed out things like I eat too loudly, need to eat less, or that my views are a bit silly. I told them that’s pretty much how kids in their mid-20s are about their parents—if you get it, life’s a lot easier. They usually only show absolute respect when they need something. We chatted for a while.
It can be frustrating and hurtful when kids grow up and start pointing out your habits and, yes, flaws. Like they’re perfect?
In those situations, it’s easy to want to make your children feel guilty, like, “After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get,” or to lash out with your own criticisms, like, “Stingy, am I?” Well, you’re just an overgrown brat with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement…or you might withdraw into hurt silence. I explained that those reactions probably won’t get you the respect or the behavior change you’re looking for, and they could ultimately cause severe damage to your peace of mind and your relationship.
The person asked, “What would you do if an adult child became overly critical and disrespectful?” Honestly, I don’t know. I’d probably try to figure out if the criticism is fair. Because a child knows you so well, they might see things in you that you’re not even aware of. So, when they criticize you, instead of just brushing off their observation (and getting hurt, defensive, or mad), think about whether there’s a valuable lesson—and even loving concern—behind what they’re saying.
But hey, that got me thinking, you know, like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! I was suggesting that they may want to take a good look at whether they’ve unintentionally set a bad example by constantly correcting their child’s behavior. I was wondering, “Have you always nagged your child about cleaning their room, and now you’re pointing out the mess, even though they’re swamped with work? Have you ever had harsh words about their girlfriend or boyfriend?”
Then I thought about what was going on in the child’s life. If your child is being unusually unreasonable or unkind to you, it’s probably because something’s not right. After all, people tend to take out their frustrations and tensions on those closest to them. I know my children do, often, and it’s like they never would with strangers or acquaintances. It’s because they know they’ll be loved (and tolerated) no matter what.
I try to show empathy, but it’s tough because it’s hard to understand. It can create stress and issues. My friend mentioned that she’s eating and having poor habits more and more each time her children ridicule and disrespect her. She was recently upset that her daughter was furious when she didn’t return her call after three hours, but she might call her daughter and wait days for a reply if there is one. I don’t get why this is how 20-somethings act, but I know firsthand how authentic her experience is, not out of the ordinary.
The only advice I could give is something I’ve tried to do myself. It’s to acknowledge my vulnerabilities. As we age, our family roles evolve. Where once I was the parent and in charge, now your child is on equal footing with me—or is even taking over specific responsibilities. It’s natural at this stage to feel less confident about your abilities and more reliant on approval and help from others…which is one reason why a grown child’s criticism may feel increasingly hurtful. If you’ve had thin skin all your life, you’ll likely become even more vulnerable to the hint that you’re less than capable or adored for whatever you say or do.
Hey, one thing parents can’t do is expect respect. Now, I’m not saying it’s cool for an adult child to be disrespectful or intentionally hurt you. But we can’t just shut down and get hurt in silence. We need to find the courage to speak up! But, you know, that might make things worse. But you absolutely have to say, “I won’t stand for being treated that way.”
My friend is going through a tough time because her partner is adding to the conflict. She mentioned that sometimes he acts like he’s helping or siding with their grown child when they treat her disrespectfully. This makes things even more complicated and complex for her to build a respectful and happy relationship with her child.
When I left the conversation, I wasn’t sure if I had made things worse. I know I did! The only thing I know for sure is that it seems to be a common occurrence when talking to parents of 20-somethings. It’s like a generation of people who think they’re better than everyone else and think they’re entitled. Who knows, maybe we were like that when we were 20, and we’re too stubborn to admit it!
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