Have you ever had a “fat, ugly, or sloppy dresser attack”? It’s like being on a makeover TV show where everyone you thought loved you criticizes your clothes. They point out holes in your sweatpants or shirt when you’re not around. They criticize your clothes, not understanding that they are the clothes you feel comfortable in. You try not to cry on camera. For years, these have been from friends and family. It’s exhausting.
I try on clothes, but they all make me feel fat and uncomfortable. Shirts are too big, jeans make my thighs look like sausages, and every t-shirt hits the widest part of my gut, making me feel like Tweedledee/Tweedledum. People make me believe I’m more the Dum of the two!
I wear what makes me comfortable to avoid self-criticism. However, friends and what I thought were loved ones verbally attack my clothing choices. Would sitting on top of C4 explosives provide more comfort?
My day is filled with critical comments and a lack of support. The grocery checker avoids small talk and looks down when I do. Someone questions my mismatched shoes, which I consider my best feature. I prefer them to criticize my comfortable clothes. The frequent negative comments from those who supposedly love me are unbearable. The following graphic captures this feeling.
Over the years, I’ve learned to combat a fat, ugly, and sloppy attack by faking it till I make it. Even if saying the right things doesn’t make me feel better immediately, they become my obsessive thoughts and beliefs. Have you ever tried looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, “I love you. Thank you for everything you do for me. You’re beautiful.”? It’s more complicated than it sounds. I cried the first time I said it. But it sends a compelling message that you’re not beautiful because of your body, but simply stunning.
I’ve tried meditation, even just sitting down. The floor in a closet comforts me. Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth while counting my breaths helps me feel better. I’m emotionally lost. For years, work was my only comfort, but last year, I lost over 130 vacation hours and averaged over 50 hours a week. In 2015, I was absent from the office only 23 days, including weekends and holidays.
I once found happiness and comfort at the gym. In 2016, I’ll strive to find something more fulfilling than work. The gym offers hours of solace. What other options exist when support from loved ones is crucial? Everyone judges me when I eat or dress; I don’t wish that on anyone!
n 2004 and wrote a song called Deceiving. I always had the best shield to hide my pain, worry, and concern. I would tell jokes and have a facade to hide the pain. The smiles decrease the pain in my eyes and show less shame and fear. Deep inside, I know I am fake, and life is not real! It's what people want to see. Living two lives - one public and one private/one good and one bad!
The lyrics are:
Under the bright lights of my old hometown
My laughter echos, never a frown
But deep inside, there's a stormy gale
A weary heart, a soul grown pale
Friends gather 'round, I show a happy grin
But they don't know the pain within
A mask I wear, a charade so grand
With every joke I tell, I sink into quicksand
[Chorus]
If I look so happy, why do I feel so sad
Living two lives, one good, one bad
The mirror shows a joyful face
But in my heart, only an empty space
Morning comes with the sun's first ray
Still fighting tears from yesterday
I put on my boots, face another mile
But it's getting harder to keep this smile
The jokes and laughter are my shields
A field of silence where pain is concealed
Hoping someday, light will break through
And may this sorrow bid me adieu
[Chorus]
If I look so happy, why do I feel so sad
Living two lives, one good, one bad
The mirror shows a joyful face
But in my heart, only an empty space
The jokes and laughter are my shields
A field of silence where pain is concealed
Hoping someday, light will break through
And may this sorrow bid me adieu
[Chorus]
If I look so happy, why do I feel so sad
Living two lives, one good, one bad
The mirror shows a joyful face
But in my heart, only an empty space
I want to improve in 2016. All I know is that 2015 is among the top five worst years of my life.
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