No, this isn’t my 52nd marathon or day of dieting. I turned 52. As a social experiment, I last used Facebook in June. Before leaving social media, I made my birthday invisible. Last year, I received over 100 Happy Birthday wishes; this year, I've received three. What does that mean? It shows how many birthday wishes you’d get without social media.
I admit, I’m not good at accepting gifts. I feel awkward and try to refuse or reduce what someone wants to give me. It may seem noble, but it’s not. I’m just putting myself ahead of others. During my teenage years, I harbored a strong aversion to receiving gifts from others on my birthdays or Christmas. This aversion stemmed from a desire to avoid potential disappointment, particularly with the recurring theme of receiving plain black socks.
Additionally, it was beneficial to cultivate a sense of detachment from material possessions, as gifts inherently represented tangible items to me. Consequently, I adopted a pessimistic outlook, adopting a somber demeanor and refraining from expressing excessive excitement. Instead, I focused on cherishing the company of those around me.
In retrospect, this approach may be perceived as humble. However, I must admit that I had not fully overcome my desire for material possessions. In fact, my obsession with acquiring items had intensified. The key distinction was that I now possessed the means to purchase them for myself. Furthermore, I approached gifts with a legal mindset rather than being driven by genuine affection.
When receiving a gift, I often fail to consider the effort and thoughtfulness that the giver invested. My focus remained solely on my own feelings and the need to assert my right to refuse the gift. I was unaware of the potential emotional investment the giver may have made in selecting a gift. This behavior extended beyond birthdays, encompassing any gift I received. Each time, the same pattern emerged: “Oh, you shouldn’t have…I cannot accept that, etc.” This situation escalated into a power struggle, and I relished in my dominance. I had never considered the joy and gratitude that a gift could elicit from the recipient.
Why am I discussing receiving gifts? Well, this weekend marked my 52nd birthday. For most of human history, old age has been a symbol of honor. Today, it is a source of apprehension. Fear of deteriorating health. Fear of relinquishing the active lifestyle that brought me happiness. Fear of financial insecurity in retirement. I recall when 52 appeared ancient – and now I am astounded that I have surpassed 50 and am inexorably aging. I once adhered to a rigorous regimen of dietary and exercise habits. I engaged in running five to six days a week, weightlifting, resistance training a few days a week, and core training once a week. I scheduled regular semi-annual medical check-ups to monitor various health indicators (or their absence).
I frequently indulge in excessive eating and consume whatever I desire. Stress often leads me to eat junk food. I am making every effort to combat the relentless passage of time. However, the stresses of life have profoundly altered me!
In celebration of my aging quickly, Shelley made me dinner and took me to a play. We went home afterward and enjoyed a slice of carrot cake. We called it a night, and I woke early to work on the backlog of items they call a job on that duty. Why am I still trying to figure out how to do my best in my profession and let myself go? I often wonder if I could do what others can for easy pay and little stress. But that is like stealing. They leisurely work through the day, reporting for work at 8:00 AM and taking 30 minutes to get ready, and at 4:10 PM, they get everything set so I can bolt out the door at 4:30 without a care.
Today, I received an unexpected and welcome gift—a book. As a nonfiction reader, finding books that interest me can be challenging. This thoughtful gesture left me happy and speechless, unlike other times when I felt pressured to reciprocate.
Oh, the book, it was “What If: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions,” and it is a book I will be able to read over and over as it is just not a dead read, but a book that makes me think deeply, very deeply.
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