I’m utterly miserable. It couldn’t get any worse. I’m overweight, and no matter what I do, my weight doesn’t improve. Is this a midlife crisis? Am I 50? But I’m not sure, and I’m just sick of life. All I do is work and sleep, and I have no interest in anything. Not photography, working out, movies, anything! How can this be? I’m at my lowest when I have the most income and disposable income ever. Life was much fuller when I lived on a shoestring, wondering how to buy food. What figures?
I often wonder, “Do I hate life?” Do I regret being a father? If not, maybe I don’t entirely hate it, but I’m unhappy with my current situation. Perhaps I’m depressed, bored, or apathetic. Or maybe I don’t see the point in living at all. But if I don’t see the point in living, then I miss life entirely. The point of life is to enjoy it, but I’m not, and I’m not sure how!
I know life is my creation. It’s not something that happens unless I make the foolish mistake of abandoning my responsibility as my life’s chief architect. I shouldn’t feel bad. Humans make mistakes at some point. Humans are in charge of their own lives, and life experiences are under our control. The truth is that we live by choice. But I try to choose and fail! I’ve decided to relinquish control. Like I let go of the controls of a vehicle in motion, such as a car on an ice-covered winter road? My life is unpredictable. It spins around in circles, gets stuck somewhere, or crashes.
I need to surrender.
Surrendering life, isn’t that a positive thing? It all depends on how you approach it. If I interpret surrendering to a higher power as relinquishing control and hoping everything will work out fine, well, I hope you don’t try this while driving at 60 mph on an icy freeway. That kind of surrender is the exact opposite of conscious living. It’s not spiritual, it’s not divine, and it’s simply foolish.
But what can I do? Where can I turn? For goodness’ sake, I’m so overweight that wiping my butt is no longer an easy task. What’s going on? I need to regain control, but I’m not sure how. I’m going to hire a professional nutritionist and give it a try. At around $300 a month, it would be a more affordable option. But where else can I turn?
My relationship with my girlfriend and son has deteriorated. It’s just empty. Is it complacency on my part or theirs? My girlfriend often ignores me for weeks and then calls, as if she needs me now, and gets upset if I’m not at her beck and call. My girlfriend is also self-centered and only thinks about her wants and needs. Nothing fazes her! However, she has led a relatively secluded life.
I’ve started taking Bifidobacterium and L-glutamine, which might help. My breathing is difficult, and I have chest congestion every hour. My sleep has also been terrible. I wake up and try to sleep again, but I don't fall back asleep, and I wake up soon. I wake up so tired and struggling. I need to get this under control!
Enough complaining. I need to call it a day and get some sleep. Work is busy, life is busy, my relationships are busy, and I hate them all!!!
I felt like this in 2006 when I wrote a depressing song. Lyrics are:
Ask what's the matter
I have had a hard life
I’m placing the Don't Disturb sign on my door
I’ve lost my place in line again
Losing my life
I’ve never seem to want to smile anymore
I take the long way
Trying to find my soul
Riding a freight train
Off its track
And as my life continues without a single goal
Life seems gone, and I will never get it back
Here I am counting sheep once again
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
My heart is pounding hard with pain
Drowning in the ocean, I can’t find the shore
I know my emotions
Move at full speed
Moving in the wrong direction in this time of need
I take a few more bruises
And there will be many more
My life is lost as I head out the door
I hide the truth
I am not happy
Wasted energy censoring my tears
Act like a crusader
Always on the right track
But I’m a lost man with knives in my back
I can’t take a moment
It is plain to see
Life races faster than it should be
All that matters
Is showing my happy lies
Clouded to hide my tear-filled eyes
Will someone please
Please tell me?
Is there hope of love and happiness for me
I can only wonder
How to set me free
I can’t find the answer
What's the matter with me
I can only wonder how to set me free
I can’t find the answer
What's the matter with me
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