Life’s twists and turns are amusing, especially when I consider the many years ahead. Yet, how can I say, “It’s funny how life turns out,” when it seems over?
Two days after losing another dear friend at 50, I find myself lost in thought. Tears form as I try to suppress them, fearing the staff will think I’m crazy. I practice square breathing when I can’t reach a friend or relative, fearing their death. I’m losing the battle.
When I lose a dear friend, I experience nightmares and fears of losing another. I call a friend, but they don’t respond for days, tormenting me. Panic attacks arise as I control negative thoughts. An acquaintance recently lost their father unexpectedly, causing me to fight fears of who would be next. It takes a month or two to regain reality and sleep, controlling the emotional issue of death.
This death reminds me of my grandmother’s passing, which was hard on my dad but not me. It also made me relive Dana’s death. Death is an unknown and relentless action.
As a child, sex was taboo, but death was not. Now, America freely discusses sex, but death is a subject we avoid. I wonder why we don’t talk about death. Humans fear the unknown, and the question is: Is there life after death?
I once believed in the afterlife, which terrified and distressed me. As a child, I’d suddenly realize I’d cease to exist, a terrifying thought.
As a young adult, my three-year-old nephew died. The pastor reassured us that death isn’t to be feared or saddened, as God has a life for everyone. He praised Aaron’s whole life, even if brief, and challenged us to cherish every moment.
At the age of 51, I find myself contemplating the journey that has brought me to this juncture. Despite the passage of 51 years, my childhood remains a distant memory, and I am still awaiting the onset of my midlife crisis. The innocence of play, enduring friendships, and carefree days have all faded away.
Ironically, despite my stress, I have a good home, car, and leisure time. Yet, these only increase my anxiety and worry. It’s puzzling.
My twenties passed swiftly. Despite achieving my Graduate Degree, becoming a husband, father, homeowner, and professional, I experienced significant personal growth only in my mid-to-late 40s.
As I approach my fifties, I find a certain sense of contentment in solitude. It is a realization that I had anticipated would eventually become a reality. However, I did not envision it unfolding in my 50s. I have witnessed numerous individuals succumb to untimely deaths, depriving themselves of the experiences they had envisioned for their lives. While I am alive and missing out on what I had anticipated, I am reminded of the unpredictable nature of life.
Rest in peace, Monica. Your memory will be cherished.
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