I was severely ill, missing work on Tuesday, and still not improving. On Saturday, we attended an ice sculpting event, parade, and rodeo in freezing weather, which exacerbated my condition. This four-day ordeal has been unbearable. I’ve been writing in this journal for 11 days, experiencing the worst cold I’ve ever had. Despite taking time off work, my co-workers have never recalled me being sick. I attribute this to being overweight, as I’ve never been this fat in my adult life. Research shows I have a slow metabolism. No matter what I read or what diet, I’m still struggling.
Looking back, I have gained 30 pounds since 2006. The common factor is hard work, not diet. For example, when I worked as a furniture builder, I’d bike, walk, run, or do anything to get my heart rate up for three hours a day. I lost a lot of weight then, but these were stress-free times, thanks to a good knee. I’m tempted to try again, but I’ll be cautious.
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However, she was in the bathroom. When she came out, she kissed my forehead, walked the dog, showered, and went to work. She didn’t see anything wrong with this on Valentine’s Day because it was her routine. She has those routines. If things get tough, she would swear the apocalypse was upon us and life is over. She’s really hard to love for that exact reason. She’s into her routines and goes through life with tiny surprises, changes, or excitement.
On the other hand, I rarely do anything consistently and struggle with meeting expectations. I’m always prepared for life changes because I have no expectations. This could be why we’ve dated for years without any issues. She has her routine, and I have no expectations… except for Valentine’s morning.
Why do I persist in staying in this relationship? Because she’s my best friend. We’re incredibly close friends. We spend time together, talking, walking, and biking, and we share many similar traits. Surprisingly, I was once in a relationship with someone who had no special connection with me, and she agreed. However, as lovers, we’re both amazed by each other. My current relationship is fulfilling in terms of my sexual performance, but she’s more of a taker than a giver. In the past nine years, I’ve had two instances where I felt like she wasn’t the “make me feel great, thank you” kind of lover, or that it wasn’t just a quick fix.
Life is funny that way; we seem to experience extreme happiness on one side and nothing on the other. Where is the balance?
Perhaps it’s me. I often find myself living that way—either working out hours a day or not at all, running marathons or not, riding 20 miles or not at all. It’s strange, considering I’m 50 years old. We should have some things figured out, but I wonder if it’s simply too complex ever fully to comprehend. Why do we persist in trying? There are numerous theories and beliefs, and people strongly oppose or are indifferent to them. Religious wars are built on these two extremes, with people fighting about whose belief is correct. In America, we now have a similar conflict between gun owners and those who advocate for common sense. I mean, who needs an AK-47 to hunt? How could the founders have anticipated the technological advancements that would occur when they declared the right to bear arms? I couldn't care less, but I have friends on the other side, and I have to tread carefully because I’m in the middle. They’re trying to get me on their side, but I see that both sides are broken. I want to engage in self-reflection, focus, and even consider all perspectives. But then again, as I’ve gotten older, I thought I would have figured it out, and it’s become even more complex.
Either way, the time I’ve been sick has taken a toll on house cleaning and my workload. This week, I worked a 60-hour week, which feels more like the norm.
On the positive side, I’m feeling better. Yesterday, I cleaned the bedroom and den and spent 7 hours at work. I’m gradually getting back to normal, but I’m not sure what that means yet.
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